


Can DIFFERENCES Be Conquered??

by natigail



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Actor Roman, Alternate Universe - Theatre, Angst, Anxiety, Anxious Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Directors Thomas and Joan, Dramaturg Logan, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Musicals, Performing Arts, Singing, Song Lyrics, Supportive friend Patton, Techie Virgil, Thomas' friends as cast and crew, Told from Roman's point of view
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-06-22 08:40:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 66,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15578019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natigail/pseuds/natigail
Summary: Roman had been dreaming about performing on stage since he had been a little boy but achieving his dreams had not gone as easily as he had hoped. When his old pal Patton told him of an audition for a new original musical at the iconic Old Timber theatre Roman jumped at the chance.Roman admired the writing and directing duo of Thomas and Joan. The dramaturg Logan was a bit odd but clearly very good at what he did. Patton seemed to just hang around at the theatre and bring joy wherever he went. The whole cast was filled with amazingly cool people, as was the crew with the exception of one brooding techie, who had a fondness for dark eye shadow.Roman could not have imagined the depth of the story he would be telling with his character, the people he would meet along the way or just how much he would learn.





	1. Surrounded by people but still all alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Song No. 1** \- _Surrounded by people but still all alone_ \- Sung by Andrew (with Sam  & Friends as backup)

Roman was practically buzzing as he approached the old theater. The Timber Theater stood tall and beautiful in front of him, despite the obvious signs of aging. Someone clearly made sure it was well looked after. He took a moment to adjust his red shoulder bag and go over the lyrics in his head again, as well as the spoken dialogue. They would likely ask for both.

Roman needed this audition to work out. He was running low on funds and he was having trouble getting people to recognize his talent. In the beginning, he had been unbothered about it. He knew that people would eventually recognize his pure talent and everyone who was turning him down would come to regret it later. He felt a bit like the first Harry Potter book.

But knowing that the people were foolish for not seeing his abilities did not put money into his bank account. He was all for being the struggling and starving artist, to a degree, but hopes and dreams could only keep you warm and fed for so long. He wanted to be able to pay for the living standard that he felt he deserved.

He struck a power pose confidently outside the entrance and he felt his smile spread to his face naturally. He would go in there and absolutely blow them away. He silently thanked his old friend Patton for reaching out and telling him about the audition. They hadn’t talked these past few years but Roman still remembered Patton’s contagious smile and bubbly energy from the drama club they had both attended when they were just kids.

If there had been a public call for auditions, Roman had not seen it. He suspected an establishment like The Timber Theater would have a network of people ready to jump to audition whenever a new play or musical were being made and he slightly worried they had already someone in mind for the main role.

But he was not going to let that deter him. He would go in and give them a performance that they could not deny.

Roman sauntered in like he owned the place. He walked with purpose as if he had definitely been here before. He was imagining himself walking through this door in a month or two for rehearsals and then for the performances. He would make habits, he would get to know the other people on the team and he would get to sing and perform on the stage. He could see it in his head.

He was so busy and wrapped up in his daydream that he almost walked right into someone. Roman managed to catch himself last minute, or it could have been straight out of a romance novel with a cliché meet-cute. Or gay out of a romance novel, Roman thought to himself. He watched the person turn around to face whoever had gotten all up in his personal space.

The guy in front of Roman had pale skin but dark eye shadow was smeared around his eyes, which somehow seemed to bring out the brightness of his eyes, even as he moved back and bangs swished in front of them. Roman secretly wondered if he was here to audition as well and whether they might both get to work on the production, as long as Roman got the main role. Obviously.

The guy was cute.

Or at least Roman thought so until said guy hastily stepped back and barred his teeth and let out a sound. Wait? Did he just… hiss? Who the frick hissed at people?

“Sorry, I didn’t-“

“Fuck off,” the stranger with the eye shadow said before turning on his heels and moving out past Roman to exit the greeting hall of the theater. Roman was left standing with several words dying on his tongue.

How rude!

It had been an honest mistake. Sure, Roman could have been looking where he was going but it hardly warranted such a severe reaction. The guy had looked furious. Roman couldn’t stop his mind from imagining a different scenario.

One where he did knock into the stranger but he would manage to catch him by his waist and keep him from falling, rather dashingly. Roman would hold onto him and instead of hostility, those pretty eyes would show admiration.

Roman would have like that much more.

He didn’t need anyone _hissing_ at him.

He suddenly hoped very much that the guy had nothing to do with the theater or the production Roman was auditioning for. He had been on his way out, so hopefully he would not come back.

He hadn’t been that cute anyway. Roman had just gotten distracted.

Roman readjusted the bag’s strap on his shoulder again and moved over to the reception area to ask the lovely lady where he could find the room for the auditions. She gave him simple instructions and her cheeks gained the faintest hint of a blush when Roman threw in a wink with his thank you. Roman liked flirting with everyone to keep them on their toes and he also just loved to compliment people, despite gender, or his own sexuality.

He embraced his neutral air of confidence as he walked into the waiting area and watched other guys with all different appearances. They were clearly auditioning for all the male roles in on go. Roman struck up conversation with the guy he sat down next to.

The guy was clearly nervous, wringing his hands and avoiding eye contact but it did not bother Roman. He had enough positive and jittery nerves to keep the mood up. He spoke louder than usual and words came out of his mouth like vomit.

It wasn’t another form of nervousness. Shut up.

Roman noticed how his competitors started listening into his conversation with the nervous guy. It made him feel a little better to get lost in his tale of how previous roles he had played. He knew how to frame it, how to spin it, so that it sounded impressive.

No one needed to know that he had little experience in an actual professional theater. He would soon enough.

This audition would go well. He could feel it in his bones.

Granted, he purposely thought this every time he auditioned, no matter how good or bad his chances. You had to aim for the moon and you would at least land amongst the stars.

“Roman Prince?” a voice called and Roman stopped his speech to meet the eyes of a kind-looking man with a beard.

“Yes! It is I! And I am ready!”

“Would you please come with me then?” the guy asked and Roman obediently jumped up from his seat.

But before he followed the man, he spun back to face the room.

“You will all be wonderful! I believe in you!” he said. He caught himself, before he muttered under his breath that they wouldn’t be able to measure up to himself. He did want others to do well – just not when it took opportunities away from him.

“I’m Kenny,” the bearded guy introduced himself and offered Roman his hand as they walked through the door. Roman took it and shook it firmly. “I’m head of the technical department but I have a tendency to offer my help whenever it is needed. Hence why I am fetching those going to audition.”

“Could you tell me the people I will be auditioning for?” Roman asked as they walked. He might be able to guess some of the people but he would rather be as prepared as possible.

“The writing and directing duo Thomas and Joan, as well as our resident dramaturg Logan. A few people from the crew are watching in the back too.”

Roman mentally catalogued it. He was excited. He had heard of the directing duo before because they had worked together for years and their names would always be next to each other. They had made a play a year or so ago that they had written as well. Roman had gone to see it twice. It had been wonderful.

He felt positive nerves flutter in his stomach. They were about to get quite the show.

Roman had been told the bare minimum about the roles in the musical, he just knew that there would be a male lead and four different primary supporting characters, but two of them only appeared in the second act. Furthermore, they were also looking for a few tertiary characters that would only have minor roles and backing vocals.

Roman had tried to ask Patton if he was set for auditioning for the lead role, which he was clearly most suited for, but Patton had just laughed heartedly and replied that he was going in to audition and then the panel would decide what role he suited.

“Here you go,” said Kenny, when he reached the backstage area that lead directly out onto the stage. “Just walk out whenever they call your name. It should be any minute now.”

“Thank you, Kenny,” Roman said and even gripped a hold of Kenny’s hands and looked in his eyes sincerely. It was important to make a good impression and even if the crew wasn’t the ones making the decision, it couldn’t hurt to start butting up everyone involved with this production.

“Good luck, Roman,” Kenny said before he left.

It was an intriguing musical. Roman had only been granted a few scenes and one song to prepare. He had been informed that the song would be the opening for the whole musical, sung by the mainly by the lead, which was the one everyone had been asked to audition with. The piece of dialogue he had gotten were all between someone named Andrew and Sam. It’s an argument between the two of them, where Andrew in anger and frustration insisted that Sam didn’t understand anything and that he should just go spend time with his “real” friends. Sam was hurt by Andrew’s outburst and he would try to continue talking calmly to Andrew who quickly began spiraling out of control.

“Roman Prince?” a voice beaconed and Roman straightened his back before he walked out onto the stage like he had done it his whole life. He had. He had been a theater geek from he was a little boy and he had been in numerous plays at his local community theater but this was a step up. The Old Timber was quite renowned and Thomas and Joan had gained a fair amount of fame with their play from last year. The stakes were higher than any audition he had done before.

If he nailed this role, it could be the thing that propelled him to Broadway.

“At your service,” Roman said, as he came to a stop on the mark on the stage, and raised his hand in a gallantly fashion.

Only three people were sitting in the front seats, a guy with glasses, a necktie and a clipboard; someone with a very distinct orange beanie that Roman recognized as Joan and finally Thomas Sanders who was greeting him with a bright smile. Roman was ultimately the most worried about impressing the two directors but something told him that he shouldn’t underestimate the dramaturg.

“Welcome to the Old Timber,” the dramaturg Logan said. “You can start with the song.”

“Whenever you are ready,” Thomas interjected, softening Logan’s bluntness.

“Who told you about this audition, Roman?” Joan asked.

“Patton recommended him,” Logan answered before Roman had a chance to even open his mouth.

He said the name with such familiarity that Roman wondered whether this Logan knew Patton as well.

“Ah, then loosen up, buddy. You know Patton has good taste,” Joan said and nudged Logan slightly.

“Patton has a huge heart but he has not seen this guy for years. Excuse me if I cannot take his world for it entirely.”

Roman sensed an argument brewing and he thought it would be best to interrupt it before things got too heated.

“Then let me show you what I can do,” Roman said. “You will not be disappointed.”

“See?” Joan said.

“Please start if you’re ready,” Thomas requested.

“Of course,” he said and cleared his voice before he started singing.

The opening song was called _Surrounded by people but still all alone_ which Roman had initially thought was a bit of a rubbish title for a musical song but as he had read the lyrics over, he had gained a new respect for the song.

He knew little of the lead character but Patton had told him that the musical was taking place in the first year of college. The lead was clearly struggling with fitting in now that he was in a new environment. He still had his childhood friend with him but said friend was busy with making new friends while the lead struggled to do so. He was invited along to things but he constantly felt like no one really wanted him there.

Roman had found it easy to make friends in college. He had been surrounded by people who were all theater geeks like himself. It had been so easy for him to talk to people. Additionally, he could strike up a conversation with anyone he just passed on campus. Both friends and lovers had been quite easy for him to attract. He couldn’t relate to the agony based on his own experience.

But he tried to imagine the lost feeling, and he was able to pull on his own insecurities of not being able to become a professional theater actor. He did his best to lock those insecurities away behind a dashing smile but he was willing to bring them slightly to the surface now. He started singing, closing his eyes to capture the emotions while he imagined that he would be on stage next to a group of people but he’d be circling around them. He was close to them but never quite enough. He was nearby enough to be mistaken for fitting in but feeling isolated just the same. He let the words flow from him with practiced ease and by the time he was on the final verse, he felt the slight burn of emotions in his throat.

_I see happy faces all around me_

_How can they not see?_

_They are laughing and smiling while I frown_

_I do not belong among them_

_Sam drags me along to everything_

_But no one wants me here_

_I cannot smile and laugh like they can_

_Not with the nerves crawling up my skull_

_Why can’t I be like them?_

_Oh, to be carefree and laugh,_

_He will see what he has been missing_

_He finally will see what I am lacking_

_I am broken beyond repair_

_I am not a good friend_

_I stand beside the group but I don’t fit in_

_The odd one out_

_Would things be better if I just left?_

_Would anyone notice if I just left?_

_If I just… left?_

As the song came to a close, Roman stopped and opened his eyes. He had started to walk around in circles, imagining a group of people that he should belong to but he couldn’t feel that sense of belonging. He felt the envy seeped through the lyrics. The lead watched others’ laugh and smile while he himself could not feel like that. Roman could not yet understand why the lead would feel this way but if he got the whole script, he would probably be better able to understand the motivation of his character.

Loud claps erupted from the back of the theater where a group of four or five people was sat huddled together. The proud smile came to Roman’s lips naturally and he instinctively bowed for his pleased audience.

“Thank you,” he called out.

Clearly, the crewmembers in the back appreciated his greatness. A little nervously, he now focused on the three people who would actually make the call regarding his performance. Logan was giving away completely no emotions in his face and Joan looked in deep contemplation, so Roman could only clutch onto Thomas’ small smile.

“If you would proceed with the dialogue you were given,” Logan said.

“Of course,” Roman nodded energetically.

“Thomas will be reading the part of Sam,” Logan continued and he shared a noteworthy look with Thomas at the comment, which Roman couldn’t interpret. “And then you will obviously be Andrew.”

The butterflies were back in Roman’s stomach. He was almost certain that Andrew was the leading man and he was happy that he was getting to read for the actual character that he wanted to play. He wanted it so desperately.

“Thomas, will you start?” Logan said and moved his clipboard over to Thomas.

“Roman, do you need the script?” Joan asked when they noticed Roman’s empty hands.

“No, I have it entirely memorized.”

“See that’s the right answer,” Joan noted with a smile that he directed at Thomas.

“We’ll start on middle of the penultimate page that you were given. Okay, Roman? I’ll give the first line.”

Roman nodded in agreement and he had a momentary moment of freaking out because he felt like he had forgotten all of the carefully rehearsed words.

“Andrew, why won’t you stop and talk to me? You keep running in the other direction whenever I want to talk to you!” Thomas said and Roman was thankful when his brain kicked back in again.

He turned his body to face Thomas beneath him, pulled his shoulders up and clenched both his hands at his sides.

“Why do you think I’m always running away?” Roman asked, with theatrical anger seeping into his voice and he then let out a low growl. “I don’t belong here. I don’t belong with you. Not anymore.”

“What are you talking about?” Thomas asked with hurt in his voice.

“I…” Roman took a break to wave his hand around like he was trying to find the words. “You wouldn’t understand it, Sam. It’s so easy for you. You just have to smile at someone and you could have a friend for life. I’m not like that.”

“ _Andrew_ ,” Thomas said and leaned forward in his seat, eyes focus on Roman. “You-“

“I don’t want to hear it. It’s okay. I just can’t be like you. You should go hang out with all your new friends instead. They are fun. I’m not.”

“That’s not true, Andrew.”

“Yes, it is,” Roman argued as Andrew. “You just don’t want to admit it, Sam. Because you’re a good person and you’re kind, which is why you should hang out with people like that. College is a new start for us. You don’t have to hang around with little old me anymore. It’s _fine_. I would have ditched me the moment we got here.”

“I would never do that,” Thomas argued as Sam. “You’re my best friend. We’ve been friends forever. I would never ditch you. I always make sure to invite you! To everything!”

“And that’s the problem!” Roman shouted. He caught the startled look on Thomas’ face at his volume and the emotion in his voice. “I know you’re trying to be nice but it’s hopeless. No one likes me. I’m a clutch around your leg. You should have cut me off ages ago. You would be happier without me.”

“That’s not for you do decide, Andrew,” Thomas said with a frown.

“You’re stupid if you think that this is working, Sam. I see how you look at me when we’re out with your new friends. I see the pity in your eyes. You feel compelled to look after me all the time. It’s pathetic for both you and me.”

Thomas let out a groan of frustration. “You are impossible to talk to! You are determined to put yourself down and you won’t let me help!”

“Then stop _helping_! You just make things worse,” Roman stated and he had gradually throughout the scene turned more and more away from the front of the stage, like he was constantly trying to leave. Now he turned the rest of the way, so his back was facing Thomas. He knew the line that would be coming up.

“Don’t dare leave, Andrew. We are not done talking about this!”

“Oh, really? Well…” Roman said as he spun around. He let the word hang in the air. He had reached the last line of the part script that he had gotten.

He was sure he was finished but he was still a little baffled at the abrupt ending, just like he had been when he originally read it. Roman turned his attention to face Logan, Joan and Thomas. Thomas was just looking up at him, astonishment on his face. Joan was wearing that concentration face again and Logan was scribbling stuff down on another clipboard than the one he had handed off to Thomas.

“A bit of an abrupt ending, right?” Roman joked with a laugh. “It was just getting so intense.”

“It launches into the third song there,” Logan explained without looking up for his writing.

“That was great, Roman,” Thomas said and he cleared his throat.

“What do you think of these two characters?” Joan asked.

Roman had not expected to be asked his opinions on the characters, so he was a little stumbled but he straightened his back and rubbed his chin as if in deep contemplation and not just buying himself a few seconds.

“I think Andrew is being unnecessarily mean to Sam. Sam is clearly just trying to help his friend. Andrew is making things worse for himself. He should have just gone along to the group events and talked to someone and he would have-”

“That’s enough,” Thomas interrupted and shot Joan a pointed glance.

Roman snapped his mouth shut immediately. Thomas sounded angry and oddly protective of the character. It probably wasn’t the smartest to insult a character to the man who had co-written him. Roman had blown it. He had been a little too honest there. He tried to rush to remedy it.

“Of course, that’s probably what will make it an interesting story, right? I’m sure you wrote him like that on purpose. I only know a little bit of his story yet. And frankly, it has interested me to learn _more_. Which is great? And the point, right?”

Roman hated how insecure his voice came across but he could do little to hide his desperation. He really wanted this part. The writing and directing duo, this spectacular place and from just the small part he had seen of it, an interesting story was great.

“Don’t mind Thomas,” Logan said, voice cold like before. “You made an accurate interpretation of the characters based on the snapshot in time that you saw them. Just don’t judge them on that, especially Andrew. You will find that a lot of us a quite… attached to our leading character.”

“Insult him at your own risk basically,” Joan added. “I only asked because your performance seemed to indicate that something in you resonated with him.”

“Oh, I’m happy to hear that,” Roman said and practically beamed at the praise.

“I think we’ve seen all we needed to see, Roman,” Thomas said. “Thank you for coming by. We will call you once a decision has been made.”

“You’re not doing callbacks?” Roman asked surprised.

“We have only invited a select few to audition and so far it has been quite easy to fill the roles,” Logan said.

Roman nodded. He had a sinking fear in his stomach that Logan’s words meant that they had essentially picked the actors they wanted in the different roles beforehand. They might already have an Andrew picked out and ready to step in and Roman’s audition was just a formality and a courtesy to Patton.

“Thank you for the opportunity,” Roman said and dug out his humility. He felt a little crushed. He felt like he had given a good performance.

The song had gone very well and the dialogue with Thomas had gone smoothly as well. Roman had seen how Thomas had played out the lines with emotion rather than just reading them out loud and he had seen how he had reacted to Roman’s words as Andrew.

He walked off the stage back the way he had come through and Kenny greeted him with a smile.

“How did it go?” he asked kindly.

“Good,” Roman said and he managed to keep his smile in place. “But I fear that it does not matter.”

“How so?”

“They talk as if the lead role is already occupied. I fear the auditions are just a formality,” Roman said and he was being overly dramatic but he had just auditioned in a theater so he was allowed to talk like that.

“Dude,” Kenny said and put a hand on Roman’s shoulder. “They’re not like that. They will take everyone into consideration. The one who gave the best performance will get the part. I have worked with Logan for years and he is nothing if not practical and fair. The decision will not be up to him and the directors entirely but you can be sure that he will advocate for you if you were the best fit.”

“Thank you,” Roman said and let himself be let back out into the foyer.

It was only when he was standing outside of the theater that he caught himself wondering about what Kenny had said. If the decision weren’t entirely up to the directors and the dramaturg, then who else would weigh in on the casting? As far as Roman had been able to see, there had been no recording equipment to capture his audition, so how could anyone else see it? He supposed that the stage might have been filmed from place where he could not see the camera.

It didn’t really matter anymore. The audition was over and Roman could not do anything else. He had gone in there and given it all he had. It would have to be enough. And even if this one did not pan out, there would be more plays and musicals in the future.

Perhaps, they would not be at such iconic places or with acclaimed directors or an interesting script and songs. Roman had really wanted this one but he knew that rejection was part of the game.

He just didn’t know how much longer he could survive through rejections before his savings ran out and he would have to get just any job to make sure the rent was paid.

As Roman walked away from the Old Timber, he turned around to cast one last look at the place. He could still envision himself walking through those doors to rehearsals and performances. It would be iconic.

He held onto the hope that he would get the part.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh!!! I'm so happy to announce this new Sanders Sides AU! Ever since [Can LYING Be Good??](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2d4oti_eBo) where Thomas (or rather Roman) made the other Sides play a part in his play, I have wanted to write something like this. And because I'm me and I have no self-restraint and my mind just keeps running once I have an idea, this will be a chaptered story! Probably around 13 chapters but I can't be sure yet. I have so much to reveal to you guys, about the story in the musical, about Roman and Virgil and it's just going to be a blast. I hope you liked this first chapter. Also, I will be including a tonne of Thomas' friends that we have seen in videos as cast and crew. Next chapter, I will be posted a little guide to help you know which of the characters play the characters of the musical. 
> 
> I'm currently Posting Every Day In August (PEDIA), so check out my profile or at tumblr [@natigail](http://natigail.tumblr.com) & [@secretlywritingstories](http://secretlywritingstories.tumblr.com) for more. I have also written Sanders Sides before ([another chaptered AU](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12902064) and [three one shots within cannon](https://archiveofourown.org/series/856816)), which you can check out if you want.
> 
> I hope to continue with weekly uploads, going up on a Sunday around 8 PM CET (though for all of August they might go up a little delayed). Thank you for reading so far and feedback is highly appreciated.


	2. No one gets it, so why even bother?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman finally heard back from his audition and now he was floating on pink skies, at least metaphorically and he also got a chance to catch up with his old friend Patton. However, with a more comprehensive read of the script, he realized that he might face a quite daunting task to play the character.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Song No. 2** \- _No one gets it, so why even bother?_ \- Sung by Andrew (solo)

Every single time Roman’s phone rang or a notification came through, he would rush over to grab it and excitedly check if it was news of the casting. It had been a nerve-wracking couple of days and Roman couldn’t concentrate on much else.

He just needed to know if he got a part. Damnit!

This was a special kind of torture. Surely, it could not be legal to wait this long.

He needed to know! How much could they have needed to discuss?

Roman couldn’t be objective and consider that normally it would take way longer to book parts.

There was something about this musical.

He wanted to know more of the story. He wanted to work with the people he had met. He wanted to be a part of bringing this character to life rather than have to sit and watch in the audience after the musical came out.

He’d still probably go see it if he didn’t get the part but it would be much more fun to be part of the production.

He was even willing to accept just one of the supporting roles, even if he still very much wanted to play Andrew.

He got the most scene time, the most songs and the most character development. Also, from just the brief peak that Roman had had of the script, he wanted to see what else this character contained.

He would probably be a challenge to play and Roman loved a challenge.

The phone started ringing and Roman almost flung himself at his coffee table to grab it. He didn’t even check the caller ID before picking up.

“Hello?” he said as he felt anticipation rise in his body.

“Roman? It’s Patton!”

Roman huffed out a little sigh, even if he was glad to hear Patton’s voice. Maybe he would be lucky that Patton somehow had another play or musical audition Roman could attend because with every passing moment, he worried that he wouldn’t get to play any part in the one he had just auditioned for.

It was such a shame that they hadn’t been able to recognize his talents.

“Hi Patton,” Roman said and curled back up on the couch. “It’s good to hear your voice, old pal.”

“Aw! You always say the sweetest things, Roman! How are you?”

“I’m okay,” he replied. He wasn’t about to confess to Patton just how much he had been moping about not being called by the theater.

Clearly, the resident dramaturg Logan had known Patton at least on some level and Roman didn’t want his whining to get back to the serious man with a necktie and potentially run his chance to be in future productions.

“You sound a little down, friend. Are you sure that you’re okay? I would happily drive over to see you if you need it.”

Patton sounded completely serious and Roman knew that the lovable goof would be here as soon as possible if Roman told him that he needed a friend.

Even if they hadn’t spoken in years, it would feel so easy to slot back into old patterns. Back when they both attended the local drama club after school, small child Patton would always ask Roman if he needed a walk home.

Patton was a blessing to have in your life and Roman had hated when he had moved away.

“No, Patton. We don’t need to fall into old _patterns_ again,” Roman said into the phone knowing that the man on the other side would appreciate the pun greatly, if he hadn’t changed too much over the years.

Roman heard a loud shriek and then laugh on the other side, which confirmed his assumptions.

“Roman, I have missed you! You made that pun just for me, right?”

“Right on, padre.”

“Oh, I’m so excited that I’ll get to see you loads from now on.”

Roman felt like he was a record player and someone had violently disconnected the needle from the LP.

What did Patton mean?

Excitement was back in Roman’s chest and he could already feel that his hopes were rising without any conscious effort.

“Patton…” Roman said very slowly.

“Yes?”

“What do you mean that we’ll get to see each other loads?”

“Oh! I help out at the Old Timber a lot, so I’ll see you around. Obviously,” Patton said casually. “It’s going to be so good!”

“Pat, I haven’t heard back from the theater yet,” Roman explained.

“Of course, you haven’t. I asked Logan if I could be the one to call you to hand over the good news!”

Roman’s heart was probably beating a mile a minute. Good news?

“Well, spit it out, man!” he said impatiently.

“You have gotten the lead role, Roman! I think you’ll make a great Andrew.”

Roman pulled the phone down from his ear because his hand was suddenly not obeying him anymore.

He had gotten it.

The lead role.

He would be the lead role in a musical.

His dreams were coming true.

This musical could be the stepping-stone that launched his career. Roman was sure of it. It had been years of hard work and rejections for parts that he would have been perfect for. None of them had seen what he would be capable of.

But Thomas, Joan and Logan had. They had decided to cast him as their leading man.

As the shock subsided, Roman got feeling back into his arms and he leapt up and let out what could only be described as a victory shout.

Patton on the phone forgotten, Roman started shouting and jumping around his little apartment and he would be getting noise complaints from his neighbors but he did not care.

He had gotten the part.

He had gotten the lead.

He was out of breath from shouting and doing a little sprint around his living room when he finally recalled the phone that he had just dumped on the couch.

He rushed to pick it back up.

He was not behaving like a professional. He needed to behave like a professional now.

But he was just so excited!

Regardless, he tried to clear his throat and calm his racing heart when he put the phone back to his ear.

“Patton, are you still there? I think I lost you.”

“It sounded like you were having a celebration party!” Patton said and made no move to hide that he had heard everything through the phone.

Roman would be a little embarrassed but this was Patton. It was the same Patton who used to bring dog stickers around with him and stick them on people’s cheeks to make them happy.

“I’m… excited,” Roman confessed.

“I can understand that!” Patton replied with just as much enthusiasm. “I’m excited for you. I was so happy when they finally decided that you would be Andrew.”

“Finally?” Roman asked and he felt a little nervous again. “What do you mean by that?”

“Well, it was back and forth between you and this other guy. The original writer was allowed some say in the casting and err… didn’t really think that you fit the character but Thomas argued strongly for casting you and he won out.”

The original writer? What did Patton mean? Thomas and Joan were credited on writers on the script pages that Roman had been sent before the audition.

“Who is this original writer?” Roman asked intrigued. “I thought that Thomas and Joan wrote the musical?”

“They wrote the script,” Patton confirmed. “It’s adapted.”

“So it’s a book originally?”

“No,” Patton said and he made no attempt to elaborate.

Roman was just about to ask about more details but suddenly it was another voice on the phone that was drastically different from the cheery Patton.

“Mr. Prince? This is Old Timber’s dramaturg Logan.”

“Oh, hi Logan. I just want to say thank you for this amazing opportunity. I won’t let you down.”

“I hope not,” Logan stated.

For a brief second Roman thought it might be some kind of threat but there was no malicious edge to Logan’s statement. He sounded like he was just saying a fact.

“I won’t,” Roman promised again.

“I will get you the script then. I will need you to come down to the theater and sign your contract at your earliest convenience and you will also be able to pick up your physical copy of the script. An electronic copy can also be provided, if you so desire. Any distribution of the script is obviously strictly prohibited. The rehearsals start in just a couple of weeks, so it will be a rather quick turnaround.”

“Okay. I will get into my car and drive there immediately,” Roman said and leapt up from where he had sat down on the couch to attempt to be professional.

“That will suffice,” Logan confirmed and then Roman heard someone talking in the background. Logan came back on the line to add; “dive safely,” before cutting off the phone call abruptly.

None of that could get Roman to feel down.

He had gotten the lead part.

He was going to be the leading man in a musical.

He would probably keep repeating this to himself all the way in the car on the drive to the theater.

It was finally a reality.

Roman put on the Mulan soundtrack as he was driving and he was singing along to every single song from the top of his lungs. He felt jittery and at peace. He parked around back, purposely choosing the same parking stop as when he had come here to audition a few days ago.

It was notable how different he felt as he walked into the old theater for the second time.

Last time he had been here, he had been trying to be overly confident to hide his insecurities and nerves but now he was exuding natural and unforced confidence.

Still, he took a moment to pause just inside the door and just breathe in.

He had manifested it and it had happened. He would be walking through these doors for the months to come. He would become friends with the cast and crew.

He would give the performance of a lifetime to this small but iconic theater.

This would be the point in his career where he would look back fondly as it introduced him to some of the people that would have helped him reach all his hopes and dreams.

Okay, he might be getting a bit ahead of himself but it was just all so exciting.

Roman asked the guy at the reception desk where he would find the dramaturg’s office.

“I’m signing my contract and picking up my script,” Roman gushed.

“Cool,” said the teenager with absolutely no enthusiasm.

How could one work at such a place and not be excited about that? He was talking to the next big star.

“Here you go,” the guy continued and handed him a backstage pass.

Roman took it carefully in his hands. Soon, he probably wouldn’t even need something like this because everyone would be able to recognize him on sight. He would be on the posters. He would have so much fun with all of this. It would be a complete blast.

It wasn’t that difficult to find Logan’s office, even if it was hid away in a secluded corner.

Roman passed a lot of people on his way and each time he made sure to pause and greet them with a handshake and introduce himself. It was thrilling; even if he worried that he wouldn’t be able to remember everyone’s names.

He would wing it if he had to.

He knocked on the door labeled with dramaturg. The tag for the door was written in a dark blue pen with very neat handwriting but then someone had added a little sun in the corner with a glittery blue pen.

Roman knew with almost certainty that it would be Patton’s work.

As a kid, Patton always tired to brighten everything up with stickers or crayons.

By now it was safe to assume that Patton and Logan knew each other well, even if Roman still didn’t know the nature of their relationship, and Roman could just imagine how Patton would try to loosen up the serious dramaturg.

Someone was arguing behind the door and Roman was tempted to press his ear against it to hear what was going on because they weren’t speaking loud enough for him to hear what they were actually saying.

He could just hear the muffling of voices.

Roman was glad that he had decided against leading his ear against the door when it suddenly swung out towards him and just narrowly missed.

Roman curiously looked to see who had been arguing with Logan.

He had not expected to be staring into the face of the guy he had almost crashed into when he had originally come to audition.

It was the hisser.

This time, the man with the dark eye shadow didn’t hiss but he did let out a growling like sound before he shoved past Roman while muttering something under his breath. Roman was so taken aback by him that he didn’t even manage to catch what he had been saying.

It probably hadn’t been the point but Roman was curious.

He had looked angry when he had come face to face with Roman.

Roman had never done anything to the man that would warrant such a reaction! The time he had almost run into him had been an accident and even so it wouldn’t make any sense for someone to hold a grudge over something so trivial for several days.

“Roman, do come in,” Logan beaconed and Roman obeyed, even if he still couldn’t find his voice. “Take a seat.”

Roman did.

“Who was that?”

Those should probably not have been the first words out of his mouth considering he was here to sign a contract and receive the script and he needed to be on his best behavior but he could feel his curiosity slowly killing him already.

“That’s just Virgil. He’s part of our production.”

It was such an unconventional name. Roman was more intrigued. He wanted to ask what this Virgil, with a fondness for hissing and growling, could possibly do on the production but Logan started gathering up papers and Roman knew he wouldn’t appreciate talk about anything else than the business at hand.

So Roman kept his mouth shut for most parts and signed where Logan told him to, after he had read through the whole contract as Logan did some paperwork at his desk. Roman had been prepared to just sign the moment he could but Logan had insisted that he should know what he was agreeing to.

You should never sign anything before knowing exactly what you were agreeing to, Logan told him.

Roman was bored out of his mind as he read through the clauses. Everything seemed to be in perfect order. He would have great working conditions.

It was with a sigh of relief that he finally was allowed to sign the dotted line. Promptly upon completion, Logan took back the contract and handed over the script to Roman. It was thick and heavy in Roman’s hands and his hand run over the title paper.

It still felt oddly like a dream.

Maybe that was why he kept telling himself that it was real.

The more he said it, the realer it felt.

“Do you have any questions?” Logan asked, adjusted his glasses and then cupped his hands together in front of him on top of his desk.

“None that I can think of just now,” Roman replied, to which he meant that he couldn’t think of any professional questions. He still had plenty of personal ones.

Like how did Patton and Logan know each other?

What did Virgil work with and what was his deal?

Was it true that the original writer had not like Roman for the lead role?

He supposed that he could ask that last one. That counted as professional, right?

“Wait, I was just wondering… you see Patton mentioned that the original writer didn’t like me for the role of Andrew…”

“Patton shouldn’t have told you that,” Logan replied with a frown. “I should not have allowed him to break the news to you, if he could not keep his mouth shut.”

Logan’s words came across as cross but Roman could tell that he wasn’t really mad at Patton. Roman didn’t know how he could be. He had always found it impossible to be mad at that ray of sunshine.

“It was just a slip of the tongue. But I was just a little confused because I thought Thomas and Joan wrote the script?”

“They did write the script and they co-wrote all the songs along with a few other people that we got involved with the production. But the story is built on a collection of poetry and then adapted for the stage.”

Roman perked up even more. That seemed unusual.

“And what’s the name of that collection of poetry and the author? Just you know… if I need to understand my role more in depth.”

“The script will do that for you. Do not worry.”

“But if I just wanted-“

“Roman, I told you that you would be fine with the script. You will learn plenty of Andrew’s character in there and the songs. Now, if you have no further relevant questions, then I will be getting back to work. Please remember that you need to be back here in a week for the photo-shoot for the promotional images and rehearsals will start the following week,” Logan said and got up from his chair and he extended his hand. “I look forward to working with you.”

Roman got up from his seat and shook Logan’s hand as professionally as he could.

“Thank you, Logan.”

He needed to smash this out of the park. He really needed to give the performance of his lifetime – well, his lifetime so far – but he was prepared to do that. He had wanted something like this for so long.

He wasn’t going to do a poor job on it. He would work relentlessly.

As he exited Logan’s office, Roman found an excited Patton just on the other side of the door.

Roman didn’t manage to get a word out before he was wrapped up in a tight embrace.

Gosh.

They were both adults now.

Roman hadn’t hugged Patton since they were kids. It felt just as welcoming and warm to be able to hug him again.

“Hi, old friend,” Roman said and clutched on tightly to Patton.

Both of them pulled back and Roman just saw the big smile on Patton’s face again.

“I’m so happy to see you, Roman. I wanted to come and say hi when you auditioned but you were gone by the time that I made it out from the back rows.”

“You were there in the crowd?” Roman asked surprised.

“Yes!” Patton confirmed excitedly. “I sat in the back with some of the crew and it was so fun to see everybody audition. You completely blew us away as Andrew. I knew you would do great.”

Roman laughed. “You haven’t seen me perform since I was a kid, Patton.”

“I know but that doesn’t change what I said. I knew you would be great because I know you, even if it’s been years. You always wanted to do this, Roman, and you have worked so hard at it. So obviously you would be great.”

Patton’s unrelenting faith in him, despite having no real current thing to base it on when he had initially reached out, just made Roman feel warm all over and he had to pull Patton into a hug again.

Patton just laughed and hugged him back tightly.

Roman quickly blinked away the sheen on his eyes. He couldn’t cry. It would be too much.

“Thank you, Patton. I would never have auditioned if you hadn’t put my name forward.”

“That’s what friends are for, Roman,” Patton replied.

It wasn’t how friendship usually worked in Roman’s experience. People didn’t suddenly reach out of the blue to a very old friend like that. It seemed more like a Patton thing but Roman was eternally grateful for it.

He ended up staying with Patton and just catching up for the better part of an hour, even if he was excited to start reading the script. He didn’t regret any moment with Patton.

He learned that his old friend didn’t actually work at the Old Timber. He just hung around and helped out with a lot of different odd jobs. He still loved theater, like he had when he’d been a kid but he didn’t like being on the stage so much anymore. Now, he just liked to encourage those who did.

Roman had also managed to ask him about Logan and to that Patton had excitedly explained that they were engaged and that Logan was his personal hero.

He had been overjoyed with the romantic success of his old friend but Roman could help the feeling like he had been punched in the stomach.

His dating life hadn’t been the most successful lately. He would find some nice fellas but nothing would last for too long. Roman wanted the great romance. He didn’t want brief hook-ups.

He was looking to fall madly and deeply in love and he hadn’t found his guy yet.

When Roman returned home and curled up with the script, he wondered if Andrew would have a romantic arch. Maybe he could live out his romantic dreams through the character that he would be playing.

The script and Andrew’s story was not what Roman had expected but he was completely enthralled with the whole thing and he kept reading, even as it turned dark outside.

He wasn’t trying to remember any lines. He just wanted to get to read the story.

As he finished the last page, he put down the script and stayed silent for a moment.

It was a bit of a heart-breaking story.

Andrew started college with his childhood best friend Sam and he found it very difficult to make friends. Even as Sam kept inviting him to hang out with new people, Andrew didn’t feel included.

Roman wasn’t sure why he felt like that. It sounded like he had a great friend who was trying his utmost to help him but instead he was just being absurdly mean.

Andrew fell in with a bad dude, who treated him horribly, but yet Andrew kept choosing him over everyone else. Andrew pushed aside his mother, Sam and the new friends that did actually care about him.

It took Roman a couple of minutes to realize that he was only holding Act 1 in his hands. He hadn’t been given Act 2. Maybe there would be some redemption or a dashing prince sweeping in to help Andrew’s problems.

It wasn’t entirely unlike that the romantic interest could be LGBTQ+ with Thomas and Joan as the scriptwriters.

Roman pulled out the song list and here he took note that he had the songs for both the first and second Act at the very least. But again, he had only been given the actual lyrics for the songs in Act 1 and he merely had the songs’ titles for Act 2.

He had half a mind to call up Patton and ask to speak to Logan because he hadn’t mentioned anything about only handing out half the script but it was too late for him to call without it coming off as rude.

That was the last thing that Roman wanted, so he settled to get it resolved in the morning.

Logan didn’t seem like the type to make mistakes about logistics, so it was probably intentional as infuriating as it was.

Roman wanted to know what would happen in the second Act!

He skimmed over the lyrics for the six songs that he did have. He had already done the opening song and Andrew wasn’t singing at all in the fourth and fifth song.

The title of the second song grabbed Roman’s attention and he separated the page from the bundle.

_No one gets it, so why even bother?_

Roman frowned at the title. That was no way for a leading man to think. Of course, you should bother!

He still wasn’t sure about this Andrew character. He felt like he was missing a handbook to make sense of him. He could still recall Thomas’ anger when Joan had asked what Roman’s first impression of Andrew had been and he had responded honestly.

Then there was the warning that the production team was fond of Andrew.

Roman felt like there was something he was missing.

He got up from his spot and took a place in the middle of his living room with the paper poised in hand.

Maybe singing like Andrew again would help. And he would really have to see about getting his hands on that Act 2 because he must be missing a significant portion of Andrew’s development. At present moment he was just a bit whiny, in Roman’s honest opinion.

That he would have to keep to himself when he was at the theatre. He started singing and tried to channel the emotions.

 

_You don’t get it, you don’t see_

_I’m not like that it’s not me_

_You say just give it a try_

_But I’m all out of pretend and lies_

_You want me to smile and be normal_

_Don’t you see that I’m abnormal?_

_I struggle with each breath I take_

_I don’t know how to fight this ache_

_So what if I just gave up?_

_So what if I just said stop?_

_So what if I hide behind make-up?_

_So what if I like to eavesdrop?_

_It’s not a cry for help_

_You still just too blind to see_

_This is and can never be me_

_So just back the fuck off_

_I’m tired of this standoff_

_Just leave me alone_

_I’m used to being on my own_

 

Roman choked up on the last line of the chorus. Andrew was not okay.

It was different to reading the lines where Roman got a more objective view of everything. As he had read through the countless of arguments that Andrew had with his mother and his friends and how he got sucked into the company of a dude making him commit petty crimes, it was so easy to just shake your head and feel the need to shout at Andrew.

Why wasn’t he listening?

Why couldn’t he see that everyone was trying to help him?

But then Roman read the lyrics to this song and the Andrew solo shone a whole new light on the conversations that Roman had read around this song.

It had been evident how Sam and Andrew’s mother Fiona had felt helpless and desperate to help Andrew. It was drenched in their every word, which Andrew conveniently ignored.

Andrew seemed cold and shut off.

These lyrics, which according to the notes would be performed when Roman was entirely alone on the stage, brought out a very different perspective.

Andrew wasn’t being cold and cruel on purpose. He was lashing out. He was feeling alone.

Breathing hurt.

His mind was clouded in dark thoughts.

Roman suddenly felt like the task before him was a bit daunting. Andrew was almost a polar opposite to himself. He struggled with things that Roman had never even considered.

But the lyrics helped a lot, more so than the dialogue between the characters. These lyrics were helpful in particular because Andrew was all by himself and he was sharing what was going on inside of his head.

Roman went back to the script and read the scene he had rehearsed for the audition. Suddenly, Andrew’s behavior made a lot more sense.

Roman stayed awake most of the night, reading and rereading, occasionally singing the lyrics and jotting down notes in the margin.

He would find a way to give this character a voice, even if giving him an accurate portrayal might have been the hardest thing Roman had ever tried to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah!! I'm still so excited to see this story unfold and I hope you are too. Everything will be revealed gradually, so brace yourself for having to periodically piece everything together. I love these AU characters so much. I was a bit worried about writing Roman because he isn't always the easiest for me to write (so naturally I thought it would be a brilliant idea to do a long chaptered story with him as the protagonist...) but I hope I'm doing him justice. And as I promised, below I have shared the cast list and I know we haven't seen many of the Thomas friends yet but we will soon. I hope you liked this chapter and I know I haven't replied to comments like I usually would but with posting everyday I just haven't found the time yet but I read and appreciate everything and I will reply when I find the time. I appreciate the feedback so much - it helps to keep me motivated.
> 
> Character in musical - played by:  
> Andrew (protagonist) – played by Roman  
> Sam (childhood friend) – played by Leo  
> Sam's new college friends – played by Camden, Derionna, Brittney and Jamahl  
> Fiona (Andrew's mother) – played by Susan  
> Dylan (antagonist) – played by JayIsJo  
> Morgan (new friend) – played by Terrence  
> Lena (new friend) – played by Valerie
> 
> Next update is scheduled for the 19th of August and I'll aim to get it up around 8 PM CET.


	3. I hate you!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman was excited to go back to the Old Timber to meet his fellow cast mates, more of the crew and to get his hands on the script for Act 2. He would also get to see Andrew's wardrobe and get to be back on the stage that was beaconing to him since he left it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Song No. 3** \- _I hate you_ \- Sung by Andrew and Sam (duet)

Roman had poured over the first Act of the script and the lyrics of Act 1. He was still baffled that he had not been granted the whole script and he had called The Old Timber to talk to Logan.

“What do you mean it isn’t finished?” Roman yelled into the phone.

Rehearsals were starting in less than two weeks! How could they not be finished with the whole Act 2? How much was left? Would it be finished in time?

Roman was mostly appearing annoyed on the phone but deep down he was a bit insecure.

What if some delay made the whole thing fall through? He might have gotten the part but if it wasn’t going to become a launched production then his successful audition didn’t matter one bit.

“It is mostly done,” Logan said in that calm and collected voice that he seemed to always use.

Roman briefly wondered if he ever dropped the tone and the cold exterior. Perhaps he did around Patton, since they were engaged. It was an odd coupling and Roman wasn’t sure what lovable and excitable saw in the cold and logical Logan. He didn’t seem like a person who smiled at all.

He was so different from the kid Patton that Roman had known quite well. And seeing Patton in person as an adult, Roman had judged that he hadn’t changed much. He was still like a big kid at heart.

“What does mostly mean? And why haven’t I been giving the pages then, if it’s just little tweaks? I need to be given a chance to learn my lines and the lyrics!” Roman complained.

“You said you would impress us, correctly? I can assure you that you’ll be given the script for Act 2 and the song lyrics when you come to the theater to shoot the promotional images. You will still have around a week before rehearsals even start. And I recall from your résumé that you are currently only tied to our project, so it should not pose a problem.”

Roman clutched his fist and he was happy that they were just talking over the phone and Logan wouldn’t actually see his expression. He felt horrible to be called out on his lack of other commitments.

It wasn’t by choice, as someone of Logan’s intelligence could probably figure out.

As any other aspiring actor, Roman auditioned for absolutely everything he could find. He even tried out for roles that he didn’t quite like because that was the rule of the game. You just had to try and booking anything, no matter how shitty it might be, could be the thing that got you kick-started and discovered for future projects.

“Roman? Are you still here?”

Roman hadn’t meant to go deadly silent but he felt the rage bubble. Logan was a jerk. He was undeniably rude but Roman could not give back of the same thing. He was dependent on the dramaturg.

Roman had a distinct feeling that Logan would make the production drop Roman if he caused just the slightest trouble and they would go with the person that Roman had just narrowly beat.

It would change.

When opening night rolled around and Roman would blow everyone away with his accurate and emotional portrayal of Andrew, he would be in the position of power. He could still get fired, but if he got a chance to get the audience on his side, everything would be easier.

“I’m here. Sorry. Bad connection,” Roman lied. “I’ll be sure to pick up the script after the photo-shoot and I still stand by my vow to impress you and everyone, Logan. But can I just ask one question?”

“You may.”

“What is causing the hold-up? Are Joan or Thomas unhappy with the ending?”

Roman just barely caught what sounded like a muffled sigh coming through the line.

“I am in no position to properly explain, Roman. As far as I know, Thomas and Joan are happy with the script and the lyrics but everyone can get a little anxious when tackling such a difficult topic. It’s important that it’s portrayed accurately.”

Roman was quickly finding out that Logan had a special knack for talking his way around a question if he wanted to. Roman had also experienced that he could answer straight to the point, which seemed to be his preferred method of communication, so it was a little curious that he was dodging.

“If that is all, Roman, you must excuse me. I have work to attend to.”

Roman knew he wasn’t getting any more of the man and he would likely just be grumpy if he were being held on the line for no reason. Roman did not want to deal with a grumpy Logan.

“No, that’s all,” Roman said. “But give Patton my love.”

“Patton?” Logan asked confused.

“Your fiancé?”

“Err… yes. Okay. Farewell, Roman.”

Logan was an odd potato, in Roman’s opinion.

A week later, Roman was back at the Old Timber and he was feeling good. He felt like he had gotten a better sense of Andrew as a character after rereading the script a million times. He had also practiced the four songs that Andrew was singing in from Act 1 and he was trying very hard to find a way to relate to the guy, who purposely isolated himself and grasped onto the hand of a bad influence while rejecting his family and old friends.

The songs helped to create a depth of understanding to Roman because Andrew was constantly lying in his dialogue. Every time he talked to his friends or his mother, he was hiding and deceiving and making sure no one would be able to tell how he was really feeling.

He was rude and cold towards his loved ones.

And then when Dylan, a horrible influence came along and offered him singular and focused attention, Andrew fell right into it.

Roman severely hoped someone would scoop in in the second Act and help out this poor lost fellow. He needed to be saved desperately.

It wasn’t the dream role to be the damsel in distress, but at least Roman was still the main character.

“Hi, I’m here for the photoshoot?” Roman said to the clerk who was neither the bored teenager nor the blushing girl. Instead, it was a guy with a bright and friendly smile.

“Roman Prince, right?” he asked.

Roman instantly puffed up. Someone recognized him! How exciting!

“Yes! It is I!” Roman said and struck his usual pose and he delighted when the guy smiled wider.

“Good to meet you, Roman. I’m Kyle, one of the few techies around here. I don’t usually man this space but we had someone call in sick and we are waiting for a replacement.”

“Is it by any chance the grumpy guy?”

“Virgil?” Kyle asked in confusion.

Roman perked up at the same of the hissing and growling guy he had run into by accidence twice. He had meant the grumpy teenager who hadn’t wanted to look up from his phone, but he was much more intrigued to learn about this Virgil guy, so he nodded to Kyle’s question.

“He doesn’t work the booth. He’s usually backstage, like me,” Kyle explained.

So Virgil was a techie! It made perfect sense for him and Roman took note of the little fluttery feeling that he got in his stomach.

He would be able to ask Virgil to fetch props. He might ask for an adjustment of the lighting. He would have plenty of time to figure out the man.

Roman had always liked a challenge and Virgil seemed nothing if not challenging.

They might not have met under the normal circumstances but Virgil had intrigued Roman from the moment they had locked eyes. He had to admit that it was partly because he seemed to dislike him on sight.

No one disliked Roman on sight.

In his experience, people instantly liked him. He was bright and interesting and beautiful. What wasn’t there to like?

“So Roman, here’s your actor pass. It’ll allow you to get in anywhere,” Kyle said and handed it over. “Remember the way to the backstage?”

“Yes, of course. Thank you,” Roman said and held the pass to his chest.

It had his name on it and one of his headshots from his resume. It looked very official and it made Roman feel giddy.

He had spent the entire evening before pampering himself. He had taken a bath. He had done a facial. He had moisturized. He had given his hair a treatment. He had come dressed sharply in his white shirt and red pants.

He knew he would be changing into his costume for the photos but it never hurt to look good and feel good when you walked out of the door.

The backstage area was already filled with people. Roman was smiling brightly and introducing himself to people and getting reacquainted with some of the people he had met last time.

He remembered Kenny and Taylor from the technical department and Dominic from costumes. He was introduced to Dahlia, a make-up artist and Talyn who seemed to be in charge of a lot of the design decisions, whether it be with the set or the appearance of the actors. He didn’t see any sign of Virgil yet.

Roman knew how freaking important and underappreciated the crew could be so he made sure to spend some time to talk to them before he eventually moved over to introduce himself to the other actors. He was so excited to see whom he would be acting with because they would be the only ones out there on the stage when it all started to rumble.

“Hello!” Roman said as he approached the group. “I’m Roman, or as I shall be known on the stage, Andrew!”

“Hi, man,” said a tall dark man with a pleasant voice. “I’m Leo.”

“Oh, you’re Sam! So nice to meet you. Your character is awesome!” Roman said excitedly.

Leo looked a little shy and he got a look in his eye that Roman couldn’t quite interpret. “Yeah, I know. He’s pretty bomb.”

“And you must be Roman,” said a beautiful person with lipstick of half his or her lips. Roman could instantly tell that this was a very stylish human. “I’m Jo. Him/his or she/her pronouns, if you were wondering.”

“Jo, you look great,” Roman said and shook his hand. She had a firm grip. “And who do you play?”

“Dylan,” he said.

“Oh, so you’re the villain,” Roman noted. “We’ll have some cool scenes together.”

“Some would argue that’s Andrew and Dylan is just… being himself.”

Roman hadn’t seen it exactly like that but it he supposed it could be interpreted like that. Andrew was certainly not going himself any favors with his destructive behavior.

“I’m Valarie,” a girl with pretty and shining eyes said. “I play Lena.”

“And I’m Terrence,” a shorter guy with a contagious smile. “I play Morgan. But I bet you’ve not heard much about either of us.”

Roman was glad that Terrence said it because he was about to freak out.

“Oh, you must be the two supporting characters that we do not see until the second Act? Please, tell me that I am not the only one who had been deprived of having only half the script.”

“They needed to finish up a few details. We should be able to pick it up on our way out today,” Valerie said.

They started talking about their nerves for the upcoming photo-shoot and different interpretations from passages in the script and Roman could already tell that this was going to be a good fit.

He was the main character and these people were the four supporting characters that would feature the most.

Gradually, they were joined by the Andrew’s mother’s actor, a lovely woman named Susan and the four new friends that Sam made at college that Andrew didn’t feel like he fit in with. Camden, Derionna, Brittney and Jamahl were all awesome people too and conversation was very easy.

Roman also learned that Jamahl had been part of composing a lot of the music for the musical and Roman instantly started quizzing him about it. They were bound to start any minute and he might not get another chance to ask today.

“What’s it like to work with Joan and Thomas? How are the songs of Act 2? Do they have a different theme? Was there trouble finishing them since they were delayed?”

“Slow down, dude,” Jamahl said with a smile. “You asked like four questions at once.”

“Sorry, I’m just excited to hear them all.”

“They’re great songs. I’m lucky that Thomas asked me to help with the music. I know it was a challenge to transform the original poetry into song lyrics. So many people worked on it, Joan and Thomas obviously, a couple of secret song-writers and then the original author.”

Now Roman was even more intrigued. Had Jamahl worked with this mysterious author? And what did he mean that the poetry had been made into song lyrics? Roman thought the story was just build on the poetry but now it sounded like the lines might have been stripped form the poetry collection and just slightly adapted.

Roman was just about to throw another handful of questions at Jamahl but someone started to call to order, as they needed to get started as everyone was set up.

They needed to try on their costumes for the first time to see if alterations needed to be made. Apparently Talyn and Dominic could make minor alterations just on the spot and Roman was highly impressed with some of the outfits.

Valerie was in gorgeous suit that looked like it had been pre-tailored to fit her. Terrence was in sky blue jumper and kakis. Jo was wearing a cool skin jacket and ripped jeans and fingerless gloves. Susan was dressed exactly like Roman’s mother. Sam and the college friends all looked like actual college kids that had just thrown something on but it was still wonderfully connected.

Roman was a bit disappointed in his outfit by comparison.

It was a huge hoodie that swallowed his whole toned chest and even went down to under his butt. The sleeves were way too long, hanging almost past his fingers and it was just black and boring. He would almost drown out up on stage.

“Is the really the outfit?” Roman couldn’t help but ask Talyn as she checked how the shoulders fit.

“Andrew will have three outfits,” they said and Roman instantly lightened up a bit but he then deflated as Talyn continued, “but this is his main outfit. He’ll start to wear a jacket like Jo when they start hanging out more and we have a special twist planned with his hoodie towards the end. Why? Don’t you like it?”

Roman didn’t want to offend anyone and he tried the best to school his expression.

“No! It’s not that… it’s just… big and it’ll be warm up on stage, you know? And difficult to see?”

“Well, Andrew is wishing to disappear for a lot of the musical. He is purposely slipping into the shadows and trying to fade away. His insecurities are telling him that he’s unworthy and people would be better off if he just disappeared. Dylan takes advantage of that in the most horrible way. But he learns not to give up and that’s important, you know?”

“How do you know?” Roman asked, as they walked around with little needles. “Have you read the whole script?”

“Yes,” Talyn confirmed. “Joan and I are dating, so I got pretty involved from the get-go.”

“Huh… This really is an internal thing for most of you?”

“It is,” Talyn confirmed. “Most of the actors have been part of a production here before or they’re friends of some of the crew. It was an important point for Thomas to only recruit people into this that could be trusted to give an accurate portrayal. You must have been referred by someone, didn’t you?”

“Patton reached out to me,” Roman confirmed. “We used to go to the same drama club as kids.”

“I love Patton. He’ll probably be stopping by shortly. He’s always around here somewhere.”

Just like he was called, Patton appeared and ran straight into the middle of all the people and just started giving out hugs. Dahlia had to warn him to be careful not to ruin Jo’s make-up. She was getting applied face tattoos down his cheek and it was looking very badass.

It was a contagious atmosphere and it was a constantly chatter of voices.

As Roman sat and got his make-up applied, he took a moment to close his eyes and just enjoy it. This was where he fit in. He had known he belonged on the stage and amongst this type of people for a very long time.

It had been the only place where he had ever really felt at home.

He was too dramatic for regular life and most people wanted to live a boring life working in offices. Urgh. Roman would go mental if he was supposed to sit in front of a computer for eight hours five days a week and just work.

He needed adventure. He needed a creative outlook. He needed attention.

He was still working a little on that last one. It made him a little too sensitive to rejection. You would think he had gotten used to it with how often he was rejected as an actor but it hurt deeply every single time.

With each “no thanks”, he had felt his confidence take another hit. It had been hit after hit for a while but now he was finally catching a break. He was the lead in a musical.

So what if his character was a bit of an odd ball who made things worse for himself?

So what if he was drowning in a big black hoodie and learning to do “sweater paws”?

So what if he was wearing make-up to make him look paler and more sleep-deprived?

He was surrounded by other creative people and he could feel how much everyone wanted this to succeed. He hadn’t met a single individual yet that wasn’t excited about this.

Even Logan with his cold approach, clearly cared about the musical very much.

Virgil might be the only one who wasn’t excited. He hadn’t even showed up yet. Roman supposed that all of the technical crew didn’t need to be here for the photo-shoot but so many of them had showed up anyway.

It was an absolute blast to take the photos.

Roman was in most of them.

He was in the big group photo. He was in one just with Leo, one just with Susan, one just with Jo, one just with Terrence and one with Terrence and Lena together and one with Leo, Jamahl, Derionna, Brittney and Camden.

Roman made it his mission to get into character already. He needed the practice because Andrew was so vastly different from himself. Not surprisingly, the outfit and make-up helped him along.

He was holding himself more hunched and he was frowning constantly. He tried to look miserable, anxious, worried and numb in rotation. The only one where he was really smiling was for one of the last photos where he was squished between Leo and Terrence and Valerie had a hand on his shoulder. These people would be Andrew’s friends by the end, Roman was told.

He was itching to get his hands on that script.

From the moment the photographer lowered the camera, Roman stepped out of his miserable and lonely character for Andrew. He could look like he was holding back unshed tears one moment and be laughing and joking with the cast the next second. He was doing a very good job of switching in and out if he was saying so himself.

“You’ve all done amazing so far,” Patton praised, as there was a lull between photo sessions.

“I think we have most of the images we need,” Logan added, who had appeared halfway through shooting. Maybe we just need a few more of Roman and Leo? We might need some better conflict images.“

“Got it,” the photographer said. “Why don’t you two come up and stand opposite each other?”

“Why don’t you sing?” Patton suggested and clapped his hands. “I’m so excited to hear you all sing!”

The cast members who had finished and the crew who currently didn’t have a job to do, had all sat down in the audience and watched. They let out a cheer as Roman and Leo walked to the middle of the stage.

“I’m ready if you are,” he said.

“I’m not sure if it’s a good idea, Patton,” Logan interjected. “They would be moving and making it harder for the-“

“Come on, Logan,” Patton said, grabbed a hold of Logan’s arm and leaned his head on his fiancé’s shoulder. “It’ll be fun.”

“I agree, Patton,” Roman said and struck a pose. “It’ll be fun and good practice, Logan. We can never start to early, can we?”

Logan relented. It wasn’t like he could start to fight the whole cast and crew and the photographer assured him that the photos would come across fine.

“I hate you?” Leo asked Roman.

Roman was smiling a little as how hesitantly Leo said it, like he wanted to make sure Roman knew he was indeed suggesting that they do the third song and first proper duet between Sam and Andrew.

“I hate you,” Roman confirmed.

They took their spots on opposite sides of the stage and Roman was half-turned away from Leo.

“Oh, really?” Roman said in character. “Well…”

 

_Your so-called help is suffocating_

_I don’t know why we keep debating_

_I’m so sick and tired of being here_

_You don’t need to lend a compassionate ear_

_Just walk the fuck away_

_I don’t think I’ll ever be okay_

Leo took a trying step forward as Roman’s verse finished.

 

_Don’t you see that I could never leave?_

_You are my friend no matter what you believe_

_It kills me to see you in pain_

_I’d always help you, again and again_

_Just stay right here_

_You don’t need to disappear_

 

Roman finally turned towards him and now he was closing the distance with determined step. The shy and cowering Andrew who had been trying to appear unaffected by everything was gone. This Andrew was angry.

Not necessarily at Sam.

He was angry at himself.

He was angry that he couldn’t fit in and that he couldn’t make friends and he felt like he was fucking everything up. Roman could relate deeply to parts of it. He could imagine how he might have turned out if he hadn’t found the accepting and nurturing theater environment from a young age. He might be able to make friends with everybody but that was only because he knew what people wanted to see and what they wanted to hear. His true friends were the only people he could be his own silly and extravagant self around.

Maybe he would harbor self-resentment like Andrew if things had been different.

 

_I…_

_I can’t believe you refuse to see it_

_Don’t you see that you’ll just get bit?_

_I…_

_I don’t want to have to do this_

_But you’ll never understand the abyss_

_I…_

_I…_

_I hate you!_

_I hate your smile_

_I hate your optimism_

_I hate your friends_

_I hate that you’re everything I can never be_

_I hate you…_

 

Roman felt tears in his eyes. He was all up in Leo’s face, a little closer than he had intended to move in but it had just felt right. Leo was stumbling back as Roman was pushing forward and annoying Andrew’s hatred. He looked heartbroken without saying a word.

Roman felt Andrew’s anguish, pain, anger and sadness in his own chest. It was like he couldn’t properly breathe.

The song was about to open up to a second verse for Leo but someone yelled that they had gotten the photo and Roman snapped out of his character.

It was a relief when the feelings had been so crushing in his chest.

“That was great,” Roman said and smiled at Leo.

“You genuinely frightened me there,” Leo said with a laugh. “When you marched up to me, you had murder in your eyes.”

“Your reaction was so raw and honest. I hope the audience will be able to read your face because you looked gutted.”

The day slowly started to wrap up and now that they were satisfied with the photos, everyone started to head home. Roman lingered to talk more to the crew, as they were packing up.

He didn’t want to go home, even if it meant that he would be allowed to read the rest of the script and song lyrics. He felt at home on this stage, despite it only being his second day on it. It felt like a home already.

The cast was a great and talented bunch and all of the crew seemed to know their craft expertly. It would be a pleasure to work with everyone here.

“Roman, you were amazing,” Patton said and wrapped Roman up in a hug. “You made me cry with the song!”

“Thank you,” Roman said, because invoking emotions with his performance was a wonderful thing, even if he felt a little guilty at making Patton cry. “It’ll be fun when we start rehearsals next week. I’m excited to get my hands on the second half of the story.”

“Oh, you’ll love it. Things start picking up and you’ll meet my favorite character.”

“Who’s that?” Roman asked with his curiosity piqued.

“Lena! And I just know that Valerie will do her justice and I’m so glad they decided to pick her and adapt the role.”

“Adapt the role?” Roman asked.

“Patton,” Logan said and walked up to them. “What were you talking about?”

“Oh, right. Script secrets and stuff,” Patton said. “But it’s just Roman. He’s a good guy, I promise, Logan.”

“I will relent that I was impressed with you today,” Logan said and it might not sound like extravagant praise but from Logan, it meant a lot to Roman.

“We should get going, Patton. We have reservations.”

“Yes! I’ll see you next week, Roman,” Patton said and gave him a goodbye hug.

The backstage area was almost empty now, as people had started to head home. Kenny approached Roman with some papers in hand.

“Everyone else have grabbed theirs on the way out. Yours was the only one left,” he said and handed over the full script and lyrics to Roman. His name was written in a little sticky note with a glittery red pen that had to be Patton’s work.

“Kenny, would it be okay if I stayed for a couple of minutes out on the stage? Just to… enjoy it. Take it all in?”

“Of course, Roman. Great work today. I’ll see you next week.”

“Yes, thank you.”

Roman stepped out from the backstage and he took a position center stage and glanced out over the crowd. The lights were dimmed already but Roman was busy imagining that the seats would be filled with people giving him and his cast a standing ovation. When he caught the slight of movement towards the back, he squinted.

“Who is there?” he called out.

Upon being spotted, however it was just turned around and threw a hood over their head and exited through the doors. Roman debated making a run after the person but he didn’t really want to go chase someone down. It wouldn’t do anything good to his image as the next star to be running after people out of the theater.

Then he wondered if it might be the every mysterious author of the original words that the songs and script was based on. It might make sense to hide your identity if you wanted to remain anonymous. But Roman couldn’t figure out why that person wouldn’t want to meet with the cast and crew.

If any of the stories that Roman had written over the years had been published and then adapted into a movie or something, Roman would want to be on set and let everyone know that he was the one who had come up with the original story.

It was something to celebrate, so Roman couldn’t understand this secrecy at all.

Maybe he would learn more about both Andrew and the mystery author when he read Act 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's very late here - okay, it's like 10:30 PM but I have to get up early tomorrow. I just finished writing this chapter for you! I don't have the time or focus to proofread it right now, so I want to excuse any typos or other mistakes. It's been a long day but I didn't want to miss this Sunday upload because I like this story, even more so as it's unfolding, and I like to stick to my schedule, even if I'm very beat right now. 
> 
> What did you think of the duet? I know I'm no song-writer but I'm having a lot of fun with writing a bit of the songs in every chapter. It's a recurring theme as you might have guessed and you'll get to see a bit of all the twelve songs in the musical as we move through the chapters. Also, any guesses who the mystery person in the back might have been? I'm interested to know how you read it.
> 
> Last and important note!! If I mess up the pronouns for any of Thomas' friends, please do not hesitate to tell me! I'm never doing it on purpose but sometimes I type a little fast and my brain doesn't catch up. I will correct it immediately if you let me know.
> 
> Next update is scheduled to be on next Sunday, the 26th of August, and I'll try to make the 8 PM CET time but if not, at least before midnight my time. I hope you liked this chapter and feedback is very much appreciated (I read all the comments and will get around to replying when PEDIA isn't kicking my ass anymore)


	4. Helpless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was time for rehearsals and Roman was definitely not unable to sleep because of excitement and nerves. Totally not. He had spent the past week pouring over the whole script and the songs and he felt like he was getting a better feel for his character Andrew but he still felt like he wasn't granted the full picture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: very brief mention of self-harm  
>  **Song No. 4** \- _Helpless_ \- Sung by Fiona and Sam (duet)

Roman was crying when he finished reading the second Act. It wasn’t exactly happy or sad tears. It was more tears the sprung to his eyes because he was touched by Andrew’s struggles and his attempts to change his outlook on life.

While the end of Act 1 made everything look a bit doom and gloom with Andrew seduced into a life of petty crime by Dylan, things swiftly turned around with the introduction of Morgan and Lena. The two reach out to Andrew, after a song discussion of whether or not they should even get involved in someone’s emotional drama, and they become the first new friends that Andrew had made since Sam.

He had never found it necessary to make new friends since he became best friends with Sam and Roman now realized that that was probably part of the reason that he had found it so difficult. He hadn’t gone looking for friends because he had thought that he was lucky enough that just one person would want to be his friend and he wasn’t risking rejection from anyone else.

With the new friends in his life and after speaking with Sam again, Andrew becomes increasingly confused with Dylan whispering lies into his ears along with Andrew’s own anxiety-riddled brain.

But despite it, he manages to cut Dylan out of his life, reassess and acknowledge his anxiety disorder and begin to realize how important it is to have a support group of friends for his life.

It was quite the journey and the song lyrics pulled at all of Roman’s heartstrings. Some of them were a heartbreaking read.

The early songs with their hopelessness were horrible enough and cut into your heart but some of the later songs where Andrew started to acknowledge why he was feeling like this was heartbreaking in a whole new way.

After he finished reading the completed script and all of the song lyrics, Roman was more determined than ever to do a good job in the role as Andrew.

He could also understand a little better why Thomas and some of the other’s seemed to be protective of the character. He was misguided in the beginning and he could be cruel and cold, which had initially made Roman dislike him, but it wasn’t the full story.

Andrew had a lot of different layers and Roman wasn’t even sure if the script was managing to pick up on all of them.

For some of the lines and some of the lyrics, he almost felt like there was more behind them, like something implicit that he wasn’t able to properly decipher.

He made a mental note - and then a note on his phone because his mind often got distracted by ideas and forgot about things he needed to remember - to ask Logan or someone if he could get to talk to the original author of the poetry.

Maybe it would be a way to unlock even more of this difficult and complex character.

The week passed both too quickly and not fast enough.

It went too quick because Roman was reading, practicing and working with the script almost non-stop and he still didn’t know if he was prepared enough for rehearsals to start.

But at the same time, he couldn’t wait to get back to the Old Timber and get started. He wanted to be back in the theater atmosphere.

It was where he thrived.

He would have lived on a stage if it had been allowed.

And as much as he hated to admit it, the numerous rejections had fractured his confidence just a bit. He wasn’t going to ever say it out loud.

He only wanted to put positive vibes into the universe.

Roman couldn’t sleep the night before rehearsals started, which was a bit of a disaster because he needed his beauty sleep and he worried that the bags under his eyes would be more prominent due to his lack of sleep.

It was just nerves and excitement.

It was a good thing. It meant that this mattered to him and that he would work relentlessly to make it the most stunning work of art ever. He would blow people away with his portrayal of the conflicted, self-loathing Andrew who could gradually open up and become a success story.

He beat his bad brain. He accepted his friends’ love. He was good.

He could still have needed a romantic interest in Roman’s opinion, because everything became a bit better with some romance but he supposed it might be more empowering that Andrew was doing it himself without any help.

Roman still wouldn’t have minded that he got to kiss a handsome guy who could swoop in an turn his life around.

Morgan had the potentiality to be that in Roman’s opinion and he could easily have been rewritten to be a romantic interest, even if he did have a bit of a fascination and adoration directed at bespectacled Lena.

Because of his restless night, Roman got out of bed with the sun. Normally, he would have loved to lie in bed and snooze but he had too much energy to sit still. He did the minimal of his own make-up, mostly just concealer to hide his dark under eye circles, because his mind was too scattered to do anything else.

His hair wasn’t cooperating and Roman sighed at the mess of hair. He would normally have gotten a haircut now as his bangs were starting to fall into his eyes but Talyn had told him to leave it.

Apparently, Andrew liked to hide his eyes behind his bangs.

It was a horrible look on Roman but he could concede that it made a lot of sense with his character and thus he hadn’t objected. That much.

He left his home early and arrived at the theater over an hour early. When he went to pull the handles to enter, he found them to be locked.

Of course, it was outside of the regular opening hours, so it made sense and Roman made his way around to the back entrance.

In his mind he started to imagine exiting through here after performances because so many people would be out front. He imagined dedicated fans and admirers waiting for him here with their hands out with stuff for him to sign and cameras ready for selfies.

Roman had already decided that he would always make time for his fans. It was important to do that, if people came out to support him.

As it was, it hadn’t been an issue yet, because at most after his community theater performances he would get one or two people just saying “good job” as they passed him. Roman had still appreciated the feedback but he dreamed of more.

He dreamed of stardom and fame and adoring fans.

He knew you would need to earn it.

He might already have the talent but talent alone wasn’t enough. You needed to work hard as well. Roman was prepared to do so with this role.

It wasn’t what he had imagined that his big break would look like but there was something about this theater and the people involved in the production and his fellow cast mates.

Everyone felt like one big family.

Stuff like that mattered for the success of the play. If everyone got on and had fun, then it would show up on stage.

Roman tried the door for the back entrance and found that it easily clicked open under his palm.

“Hi Roman, you’re early,” Taylor said as he entered the backstage area.

“Yes, I wanted to be prepared, you know,” Roman said and puffed out his chest a little.

It sounded way better and more like he was showing initiative and being a dedicated actor instead of admitting it was actually because he had been unable to sleep.

“You’ve got spirit. No one’s really here yet but they should be soon. It’s just me and Virgil here and I’m just getting a jump on sorting out some of the tech.”

Roman perked up at the mention of the silent and grumpy techie.

“Is he helping to set up too?” Roman asked.

“Nah, I’ve got this handled. He’s just out on the stage reading through the script one more time.”

The technical crew probably might not have been given the scripts yet and Virgil was intrigued to learn the story. Roman nodded and left Taylor to work while he made his way out to the stage.

He withdrew the curtain carefully and spotted Virgil sitting cross-legged in the middle of the stage.

He was hunched forward a bit, hidden away in a big black hoodie with the hood over his head and his back facing Roman.

He looked deceivingly small from here with the way he seemed to almost curl into himself with his limbs close to his body and hidden away in a hoodie too large for him.

Roman didn’t say anything at first. He was scared that he would startle the techie.

He heard the soft sound of paper moving against paper as Virgil turned the page. Roman took the moment to determine with himself why he was so interested in Virgil.

Maybe it was the mystery of him or the fact that he hadn’t swooned at Roman’s feet when they first met.

Not all people did that. Roman wasn’t delusional to think that everyone who saw him would just fall in love with him but Roman did have a way with people. He knew how to look at them to make sure that they knew that he was paying attention, or at least brilliantly pretending to do so and tricking them into believing it.

Virgil had been hostile and angry from the moment they met, which probably meant whatever issues he had they weren’t contingent on Roman.

Still, Roman couldn’t help but feel like he had been singled out by the brooding techie.

He cleared his throat to announced his presence and Virgil’s head snapped up, his hunched form became stiff as a board and he was glaring daggers when he looked behind him and spotted Roman.

Then he let out a groan of frustration and start to get on his feet and he was moving off stage without even a proper word in Roman’s direction.

That wouldn’t do. He was being unnecessarily rude and Roman needed to know why Virgil seemed to hate him so much, when they had barely spoken.

“Virgil, right?” Roman called.

That made the techie stop, spin around and if possible his dagger glance looked even more deadly now.

“Who told you my name?”

“Why?” Roman asked. “Is it a secret?”

His tone was light and joking and he was trying to ease the tense atmosphere between them but Virgil didn’t seem to appreciate the attempt at humor.

“Whatever, Princey,” Virgil replied.

A nickname? Roman instantly felt butterflies in his stomach. Nicknames were a form of affection and he had always loved to be called them. It made him feel special when people didn’t just use his name but spent time on calling him something different.

You had many names for the things you cared about.

Roman could only guess that Virgil was calling him it as a twist on Roman’s actual last name, and it was a nickname that he had been called before but it still made him feel warm.

“What do you think of it?” Roman asked.

“What?” Virgil asked, growl in his voice but he paused and turned towards Roman a bit.

“The script,” Roman said and pointed at the script in Virgil’s hand.

“You think Andrew is an asshole,” Virgil stated.

Roman blanched at his words. He could only guess that Virgil must have been present for his audition where Joan has asked on Roman’s opinion of the character. But he hadn’t quite called him an asshole, even if he might have thought it at the time.

But back then, he had only had the one scene and one song and it was far from the whole story of Andrew. Roman knew that now but he still couldn’t deny that he thought the Act 1 Andrew was a bit of an asshole, even if he had his reasons.

He was horrible to his sweet friends and his loving mother and he decided to spend time with a lying delinquent instead.

“What do you think?” Roman asked instead of answering. It hadn’t really been a question after all. Virgil had just stated Roman’s interpretation of the character.

“I… He’s a bit… Whatever… it doesn’t matter what I think. You’re going to show him as an asshole, so that’s all anyone will ever see.”

Roman was about to object to that claim but Virgil was surprisingly fast and he managed to duck behind the curtain and disappear before Roman had a chance to catch up with him.

Virgil wasn’t right.

Roman would do his very best to come with an accurate portrayal of the character. It was part of his integrity as a performer.

No matter how much or how little he related to a character, he would step into that person’s shoes and forget about himself. He was someone different when the scene was rolling and he didn’t break character.

Roman tried to look for Virgil but he had seemed to vanish into thin air. Roman wasn’t sure what to make of him but he felt like he might have narrowed down the reason for his resentment a bit.

Virgil thought that Roman would do a poor job as Andrew. Virgil hadn’t wanted to say but Roman supposed that he might be another one of those people who was fond of Andrew, like Logan had warned him about when he had auditioned.

It was starting to make a bit more sense for Roman now that he had the full picture with the script and the songs. Andrew was someone you wanted to help and take care of, even as he was spiraling out of control and being self-destructive.

During some of the scenes from Act 2, Roman had felt the urge to wrap Andrew up in a hug because he was just so lost and confused but he started trying to make things better and it wasn’t easy.

Roman wasn’t sure how he could play that truthfully because he would be playing the character that needed the hug but he would find a way to do it well. He would show Virgil, the ordinal author of the poetry and everyone that he was capable of doing this role justice.

As his fellow cast mates started to arrive, Roman felt much better. Everyone was a bit nervous and excited and it was creating the most wonderful energy in Roman’s opinion.

It showed him that he wasn’t alone in this. He had people with him on stage that felt just like he did.

Thomas and Joan turned out to be incredible directors. They were clear in their vision but they also allowed people to bring a bit of a personal touch to their characters. They were strict and firm but they also spoke with kindness and they would take the time to explain the reasoning behind their decisions.

Roman disliked being in the bulky hoodie that was his costume but he was using it to get better into character. He also ran his hands through his bangs to loosen them and make them fall into his eyes.

For the first day, they were only doing bits from Act 1 and here Thomas and Joan constantly wanted Roman to be hunched forward and curling in on himself. It was only during the third song, the duet with Leo, that Roman allowed Andrew to grow a bit taller.

He slumped very much together after that confession.

It wasn’t in the script but Roman imagined that Andrew instantly regretted telling Sam that he hated him. He took the opportunity to ask Joan about it when they had a break.

“Hey, do you have a minute?” Roman asked.

Every time there was a break, he would shed the warm hoodie and swoop his hair back out of his eyes. He would also take the opportunity to stretch his back out and return to his stellar posture. He looked like a different person when he went in and out of character.

“Sure, Roman. What’s up? You’re doing great, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

It wasn’t but it still felt extremely good to hear the praise from Joan.

“I was just wondering about something about Andrew’s character. He regrets telling Sam that he hates him almost immediately, doesn’t he?”

Joan took a seat and Roman took a seat next to them.

“He does,” they confirmed. “Andrew is hurting and he’s lashing out. He doesn’t mean to say that to Sam but he hates himself in that moment so he starts to assume that everyone else must hate him too. It’s called transference. It’s his guilt that drives him into Dylan’s words.”

“Guilt?” Roman asked confused.

“Yeah, he regrets his actions towards Sam and thus, subconsciously, seeks out a way to punish himself for that.”

“Huh,” Roman noted and sat back in his seat. “I suppose I would feel bad if I hurt Sam’s feelings. He seems like a ray of sunshine.”

“Oh, he is,” Joan confirmed. “He loves his friends so much. Once he has decided to become friends with someone, he will continue to love and support them forever. You can’t really find a better guy.”

“You speak of him as if he’s real,” Roman commented.

Joan let out a laugh. “Well, we’ve been over the script so many times. But Andrew hurts his feelings quite deeply. Andrew doesn’t realize it at first because he thinks that Sam hates him. Actually, we’ll do _Helpless_ next. Pay attention to Sam and Fiona’s lyrics and you’ll get a look at how the two of them are hurting but then again, you don’t know that as Andrew. In real life, Andrew never got to see that.”

As Joan stopped speaking, Roman had the distinct feeling that they were about to say something more but no more words left their mouth. Roman was curious and he wanted to press on.

Joan seemed almost melancholy on behalf of Andrew and their eyes swept over the stage in front of them as they spoke. But before Roman had a chance to initiate more conversation, Thomas announced that the break was over and that they should get back to it.

“Okay, everyone,” Thomas said and everyone quieted down and gathered around. Thomas was well liked and he had a friendly energy that just drew people in instantly. “We’re getting back at it. We’ll pick up where we left off and start with _Helpless_. Leo and Susan, can you please take your positions at opposite sides of the stage and everyone else please give them some space.”

Roman stayed seated in the audience and Camden came and sat next to him. Roman picked up how causally and with ease that Leo and Thomas were talking while people cleared the stage.

“Hey Camden,” Roman asked. “Do you know if Thomas and Leo knew each other beforehand?”

“Yeah,” Camden said. “They’ve been in plays together before. Most of the cast is Thomas’ old friends from the theater world.”

“Wait, really?” Roman asked surprised.

He had picked up on how everyone seemed so familiar with each other but they had also accepted him into their fold with open arms and he had figured they were just getting on instantly.

“Yeah, I’ve worked as an editor on a video project he did a while back. I think they only called people that they knew to audition for the roles. Weren’t you referred?”

“Yes,” Roman said. “Patton alerted me to the audition and I suppose he put my name forward in the first place. I knew it was a rather small audition pool and that it hadn’t been publically posted but… I hadn’t realized that so many of you were real friends already.”

Roman suddenly felt a surge of pride that he had managed to secure the lead role in those circumstances. He was an outsider to their tightknit little group with his only personal connection being Patton who he hadn’t spoken to in years before he had told him of the audition.

“But you’re one of us now, Roman,” Camden added. “We like making new friends here. It would be a bit ironic if we didn’t in a musical about friendship, right?”

Joan asked for quiet and the music started playing.

Spotlight was bathed down on Susan who had just finished up a scene where she had tried to get her son to open up and talk to her but Andrew had just brushed her off and headed out the door.

She was feeling utterly helpless to help her son, who she could see was clearly having trouble but he refused to speak to her, refused her advice and she knew she that if she kept pushing him then he would just stop coming home.

 

_I will never forget the day_

_That I first held you_

_But now you’re blue_

_And I don’t know what to do_

_You always keep quiet_

_You push everyone away_

_I try to speak to you_

_But my words just pass right through_

 

As Fiona’s verse ended, the spotlight went out and focused on Sam, who was dealing with the aftermath of Andrew professing his hatred. Leo had tears in his eyes and Roman’s breath stuttered a little at the sight of him.

He looked utterly heartbroken.

Roman had done that to him; or rather Roman playing Andrew had caused that. Joan was right that Andrew didn’t see this heartbreak and it didn’t even seem like Sam brought it up to him when they made up. Andrew never knew just how deeply he had hurt Sam.

 

_We’ve been friends for a long time_

_But now you say that you hate me_

_We used to share lunch and laughs_

_Don’t you see how much this hurts?_

_Yes, I’m making new friends_

_But I don’t love you any less_

_You’ve been by my side my whole life_

_Andrew, please put down the knife_

 

The spotlight went out and the whole scene was illuminated again. Leo and Susan, as Sam and Fiona respectively, were looking increasingly frustrated in their corners as the song picked up and the chorus started, which they sung together. It was a duet separated by time and place but it fitting together regardless.

Roman had never given much thought to the knife comment in Leo’s line, since this was one of the few songs where Roman wouldn’t be singing and he had spent less time on it. Yet now, he wondered whether the knife referred to how Sam might have felt stabbed in the back by his best friend or if it could mean that he was worried about Andrew turning to self-harm. A shiver went over Roman’s body as he kept watching the scene as they started to sing together.

 

_I feel helpless, oh so helpless_

_I can only guess, only guess_

_How bad he is struggling_

_I’m fumbling, bumbling_

_He will not let his amour crack_

_I don’t know how to bring him back_

_I feel helpless, oh so helpless_

_I don’t know how to progress_

_I do not know how to help him_

_God, I just want to help him_

_Please, somebody help him_

_Don’t let him be helpless_

The song continued to an equally heartbreaking bridge and a repeat of the chorus and then the lights went out and Roman and the other cast and crew in the audience applauded. Roman felt hurt deep in his heart. The desperation was so palpable in the air with the lyrics and the music picking up and growing more and more intense as the two confessed that they didn’t know how to help.

Roman felt bad that his character had caused that again. For a moment, he almost wanted to think of him as an asshole again because who the hell would make their childhood best friend and their mother reach this type of desperation.

They had tried talking to him. They had tried all the ways they knew how to help and he just kept pushing them away.

Thomas was looking a little torn up as well, and Roman walked over to ask him if he was okay. He quickly wiped the corner of his eye and put on a bright smile. It seemed genuine enough, like he could easily switch between the sadness and his usual happy self.

“It’ a powerful song,” Roman commented. “You and Joan wrote that yourself, right? It’s one of the few songs that which lyrics aren’t partially credited to the ever so mysterious original poet.”

“Still curious about that? Logan did mention you were asking about it,” Thomas said.

“How can you not be? I love a good mystery and even if I’ve read the whole script now, there still seem to be a complexities that could served to be explained.”

“Feel free to read between the lines, Roman. I know it’s not an easy task to play Andrew. He’s a special dude.”

“He made Sam cry,” Roman said and looked up on stage to Leo who was looking back to normal now. “I’m quite fond of Sam. I don’t like that my character made him cry.”

“He didn’t do it on purpose, you know,” Thomas said.

“He screamed that he hated Sam, multiple times. The song is even titled that. It seems pretty bad.”

“What did you think of Andrew’s character development in the second Act, Roman?” Thomas asked and switched gears.

“I… I suppose it shows that I was wrong about him in my first assessment. He had many layers, like an onion, but like the vegetable he also makes a lot of people cry.”

Thomas burst out laughing at Roman’s metaphor and it was a glorious sound.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard him compared to an onion before. I’ll be sure to pass that on,” he said. “Alright, we need to keep moving. The day isn’t over yet. Roman, get on stage and get ready to meet Dylan for the first time.”

Roman nodded and got back on stage to run the next scene through. As he got up on stage, he spotted Virgil talking to Logan and Patton in the corner.

Patton had been with them all day, just being moral support and cheering everyone on, but Roman hadn’t seen Virgil since he had run off this morning and Logan hadn’t been out here at all today.

He wanted to get closer to hear what the three of them were discussing because it looked to be interesting. Logan looked a little frustrated, Virgil looked angry and Patton was clearly being the peacemaker between them.

“Hey Roman,” Joan called. “Ready?”

“Yes,” Roman said and focused on his scene instead.

By the time it was over, Logan, Patton and Virgil had disappeared and soon enough the first day of rehearsals ended. Roman went home and he collapsed on his bed in exhaustion after eating some take-away that he had picked up on the way home.

Rehearsal had gone well today and Roman was determined to keep up his performance. He was also determined to uncover any and all secrecy about the production. He hated being out of the loop.

He belonged, like his role as the lead character suggested, in the middle of the spotlight and he wouldn’t let anyone keep secrets from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I managed to write this on time! PEDIA (if you've been following my other stories, you'll know I've said this a lot lately) is kicking my arse again today but I took it chill and this chapter was written at a bit of a leisurely pace. I also had like half an hour where I was stood in front of the mirror speaking like some of the characters (I do this on occasion when I'm world building and trying to get a feel for their interactions and facial expressions but it's mostly just a ramble that doesn't actually make it into the story, which it didn't really do here either but it helps me to plan the future).
> 
> I'm loving your guesses and theories about the different elements of the story that is yet to be revealed. It's so cool to see. Thank you for reading this and for all the kind words so far. I'll get around to replying to comments soon. 
> 
> Next chapter is planned to be on next Sunday 2nd of September and if i manage to keep my writing schedule on point until then, I will have posted something for literally FIVE WEEKS straight every single day. That's mental. It's hard work but I'm also enjoying it and after my little dialogue session I'm just so excited to show you guys more and more of this musical and Roman's interpretation of everything.


	5. A/N

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *clears throat*  
> *straightens posture*  
> *smiles dashingly*
> 
> "My name is Roman and I have been asked to give you an announcement!"

Hello ladies, lords and non-binary royalty!

 

I'm so pleased to be speaking to you directly! Have you been following along with my story here? Aren't I fabulous?

 

It's a shame you can't hear my glorious voice. I hope that you imagine it in your head as you read the lyrics. I can assure you that I sound incredible.

 

I've always wanted to be a performer but it's tough. It's a lot of rejections. I always feels a bit fractured after I don't get a call-back.

 

But I kept my spirits up and look where it got me! The lead in a musical at Old Timber! With so many cool and interesting people.

 

Oh, right, you didn't come here to read me talking about myself? Even if I'm sure you're enjoying yourself. I'm quite fascinating. I know. Hold your applause. 

 

I have been given a word from our author, a bit like a word from our sponsor, you know? An intermission of sorts? 

 

Okay. You ready?

 

She is saying that she unfortunately won't be able to share a new chapter with you today... Wait, what?! Author! I protest! What is this?!

 

You have a schedule. Every Sunday!  _Every_ Sunday. The people have been awaiting anxiously to hear about my grand adventures!

 

University? Pfft. You study business and communication! Writing is communication and I mean business! 

 

You've posted for over 30 days in a row, every single day? Whatever, you love writing! You love sharing your words! You're writing all the time.

 

Oh... you're worried about your creativity suffering? Maybe burning out if you push too hard? Possibly being unable to express my story properly?

 

I... Okay, fine.

 

Everyone, excuse the author. She isn't feeling up for writing and posting a new chapter today. She is asking for your patience and she says that she knows you'll understand because you're great.

 

I agree with that! You're great and you have excellent taste in stories. Are any of you theater nerds? Do you feel a calling to stand on the grand stage?

 

 I do. I'm happy I get to do this here. And I'm working with some pretty cool people. I love the cast and crew and I think they all like me. Well, except one certain person. 

 

But I'll convince him too. Just you wait. No one can resist Roman's charms! 

 

I must bid you farewell for now but I will see you next week. She promised me that!

 

Take care of yourself, ladies, lords and non-binary royalty! You are special and I love you! Thank you for reading my story!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you can forgive me for pushing back the update a week. I'm getting back into studying mode (I've reading and taking notes for over five hours today and I have university from 8 AM - 7 PM tomorrow) and if I tried to rush the chapter tonight, I fear that it would be rubbish and I don't want that. I've been excited about this story but posting for five weeks straight was a very big challenge. PEDIA is complete but I think it tired me out more so than I was first willing to admit.
> 
> I hope you liked the little piece from Roman. I'll do my best to get the fifth chapter ready for the 9th of September at 8 PM CET. I know you're a cool bunch, so thank you in advance.


	6. It's just a little lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rehearsals were going well but Roman still wasn't making any progress with the brooding techie. After waking from a nightmare that made him feel insecure, he decided to bring Virgil a peace offering. But talking to Virgil might not have been a wise choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Song No. 5** \- _It's just a little lie_ \- Sung by Dylan

It was fantastic to be going to rehearsals. Roman usually woke with a joy in his heart and excitement surging through his body. He was so happy to be performing again and to be surrounded by other talented drama people.

He had missed having a squad. It was a very special atmosphere to be in a cast and to spend so many hours with the same people while trying to bring a story to life. It was incredible and Roman was pouring everything into it.

He would be the first at the theater and usually one of the last people to leave. He was thriving in the environment and it was always with a melancholy in his heart when he had to leave Old Timber at the end of the day.

He felt a strong sense of belonging and he was bonding superbly with the cast and crew. They appreciated his talent and Roman was practically preening at the praise. It made him feel so damn good to have people acknowledge his brilliant work and his immense effort.

The first couple of days at rehearsals had been heavenly and when Roman’s tired head hit the pillow at night he had expected to wake up feeling great like the other days. But he had been plagued by nightmares, which wasn’t common for him and he felt deeply unsettled by it.

It was a showmare, like Roman had dubbed it, and it suddenly made Roman feel insecure.

What if his fellow performers were just being nice because of his dashing smile and charms? What if they didn’t think he was actually doing well? What if he bombed on the first night? It was still a couple of weeks away but Roman couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off.

It might have had something to do with the fact that he had seen Virgil and Terrence laughing and joking together. Virgil had smiled at him and he had even complimented Terrence’s performance as Morgan. Roman thought that the brooding techie was finally loosening up and so he had happily walked over to join the conversation but as he approached, Virgil changed entirely.

He dropped his head, making his bangs fall over his eyes and he crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Roman. Roman was so surprised at the hostility that he actually stopped dead in his tracks.

Terrence called him over but Virgil hadn’t spoken a word.

Roman didn’t want to admit it out loud but it had stung. A lot. He didn’t disagree about the fact that Terrence’s performance needed to be praised, because he was great at being joyful and happy Morgan, but Roman felt overlooked.

He had no right to demand praise from Virgil but he still wanted it.

Roman was trying so hard with Andrew. The solos made it easier to understand the character but Roman still felt like he was missing some of the depth. It was infuriating, especially since the directors, and Thomas in particular, was very adamant about Andrew’s characterization.

When Roman made his posture too aggressive while spitting Andrew’s snide remarks, Thomas would say that Roman needed so hold himself differently. Andrew might be acting rudely but it came from a place of misery, rather than aggression.

He was really trying and he studied the script every single night. He was sure he would have almost memorized the whole script at this point but he still felt like he was missing something. He was trying to read between the lines but it wasn’t working very well.

He just saw blank space and he felt like he was missing some clue.

Even with the horrible showmare, Roman got up and one glance at the clock confirmed that it was even earlier than he usually got up. Even so, Roman felt too restless to go back to sleep and he opted to just get ready and head to Old Timber even earlier than usual. He drove by Starbucks and picked up a Frappuccino for himself. He went for the Ultra Caramel one because he was worth it and he deserved nice caramel sweetness. He had almost left but on a whim, he ordered another one for Virgil.

Roman hadn’t encountered Virgil in the mornings since that first day of rehearsals but Roman knew it was just because Virgil was avoiding him. Virgil was always there, as Roman had figured out that he was the owner of the backpack with the many patches that was usually tossed in the corner of the dressing room.

It was always there when Roman arrived at Old Timber but it disappeared in the afternoon, sometimes before rehearsals ended. All the other techies stayed on, so Roman weren’t sure what was making Virgil duck out early.

He wanted to find out. Maybe bringing a peace offering would help.

Everybody loved Starbucks, right?

Roman tried to shake off the feeling lingering from his showmare, of standing in the middle of the stage singing a solo, while dressed in that ridiculously large hoodie, and being unable to sing cleanly. People would laugh at him and it wasn’t the fun laughing-with-you kind of laughter.

It had never happened to Roman in his performing career but his imagination always ran wild and it wasn’t always a good thing for him.

He pulled up on the empty parking lot behind the theater and walked over to the backdoor and used the key he had managed to get from Logan. He had to sign something similar for a contract before the dramaturg would hand it over but he was thankful for having access to the place now.

He ran his thumb over the key and he wondered if he could somehow keep it when the musical was over. It wasn’t likely that Logan would forget about the loan, but Roman allowed himself to dream.

It was odd to step into complete darkness, as Roman closed the door behind him. He fumbled for the light switch a few moments before he found it.

Old Timber, like its nickname suggested, was a fairly old and traditional theater and Roman supposed that someone could have found it a bit creepy with the floors and the lighting and the general atmosphere.

To Roman, it was just a calming place. He headed straight to the dressing room to check on Virgil’s backpack and surprisingly it wasn’t tossed in the corner like usual. Roman sat down and sipped his drink and it didn’t take more than a couple of minutes before Roman heard footsteps in the corridor.

Virgil peeked into the room before entering and upon seeing Roman he was frowning deeply.

“Why did you arrive an hour earlier than usual?” Virgil questioned with an irritated growl, as he made his way towards the corner.

Roman didn’t fight the smile forming on his lips, even as Virgil turned his back. Virgil had paid attention to him. He knew Roman’s usual time of arrival, after just a couple of days.

You didn’t pay attention to people if you didn’t care about them. Maybe Virgil was just struggling with a possible attraction? Roman was rather dashing and he supposed that he could be intimidating. If Virgil liked guys, or didn’t admit so to himself, he supposed it could make sense.

As Virgil set down his bag in the corner, he hunched down and crouched while rummaging through his bag. Roman’s eyes might have fallen on Virgil’s ass for a second. Sue him. It was a nice behind.

However, Roman still pulled his eyes away as soon as he caught himself.

He felt a little like a kid in school who looked across the classroom to watch his crush and the teacher or the boy either caught him. Roman was staring down at the floor when Virgil straightened up and turned around.

He looked ready to bolt out of the room but Roman wanted him to stick around.

“Wait!” he yelled, louder than he had meant to and he almost startled Virgil.

“What?” he asked, his voice low and hostile. It didn’t scare Roman at all but it did stir up something else.

“I bought you Starbucks,” Roman said and turned around to grab the additional drink and hold it out towards Virgil.

For the first time since they had met, Virgil’s expression softened a little bit while directed at Roman. It only lasted a moment though, before he was frowning again.

“I don’t drink caffeine,” Virgil said flatly.

“Oh,” Roman said and lowered the offered drink. “I think they’re mostly sugar to be honest.”

“Still,” Virgil said, crossed his arms and shifted on his feet. “I don’t like it.”

“Sorry,” Roman said. “You try to do something nice and this is the thanks you get.”

He said the last part more to himself than Virgil. But Virgil took a step closer.

“ _Why_ did you buy me Starbucks?”

“I thought you might want something. You’re always here earlier than anyone else. I don’t know what work you do, but I get that you must get most of your work out of the way while there’s no one here because I hardly see you around during rehearsals. Unless you’re lurking.”

“I don’t lurk,” Virgil claimed with a hostile tone.

“You most certainly do,” Roman said. “I was just trying to be nice, Virgil. I want to get along with you.”

“You’re getting along just fine with everyone else. They’re practically falling at your feet. Not everyone will like you, Roman.”

His words had a sharp edge to them and they hurt a whole lot. They didn’t seem to be spoken from a place of aggression. And Virgil looked sorry right after he had said it.

It was something Roman had struggled with a lot. He wanted to be liked and he wanted to get along with everyone and for most parts, he succeeded. He would continue to be charming and eventually wear people down, even if they hadn’t liked him at first. He would do the same with Virgil.

He just needed time and it would help if Virgil didn’t look like he was being tortured whenever they talked. Virgil was twisting his shoulders back and forth and he couldn’t stand still. He looked utterly miserable.

“People usually have a reason to dislike you. What did I ever do to you?” Roman asked, desperately.

Virgil’s nose scrunched up in disgust. “Nothing. I just don’t like you.”

Roman got up from his seat and approached Virgil. “Clearly, there is something. Why are you lying?”

“Lying?” Virgil asked, in a loud and demanding voice that Roman had never heard him use before. “I’m not _lying_.”

He spit out the word like it was poison.

“Virgil, I’m just trying to clear that air here. So we can work together better.”

“I’m not interested in you, Roman, okay? You’re… selfish and loud and inconsiderate and immature.”

Roman stepped back as if he had been hit. He was fairly certain that the words hurt more than an actual punch would. Virgil was being mean and lashing out but he was picking things that were sources of insecurity for Roman.

Roman had a feeling that Virgil knew just what buttons he was pressing because he was hitting them expertly. It was like a well-placed stab in right in all his sore spots.

But then Virgil sighed and reached up to pinch between his eyes.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. But you’re just so infuriating. I… Can’t you just accept that I don’t like you?”

“No! I can’t. I need to know what is making you dislike me, so I can fix it,” Roman said.

“Whatever,” Virgil said while he waved his hand dismissively. “Roman, we’re fine. Just let it go.”

“Nice Frozen reference but I will not,” Roman said. “I must-“

“Okay, one reason I dislike you? You’re pushy and you don’t know how to take no for an answer. I’m leaving. I have work to do.”

Roman wasn’t finished arguing but Virgil clearly was because he almost sprinted out the door and by the time that Roman managed to unfreeze to chase him down, he was completely gone.

Roman tried to search around the theater but Virgil was nowhere to be found. He supposed that the techie would know where to hide if he didn’t want to be found.

Their conversation frustrated Roman to no degree. He almost wanted to complain about Virgil’s unprofessional behavior but at the same time he didn’t want to get him into trouble.

Whatever was going on between them, it was a private matter.

Nevertheless, as the other cast and crew coming in for the day, Roman pulled Terrence aside and asked him about the mysterious techie.

“What’s up, Roman?” Terrence asked after they broke their greeting hug.

“I was just wondering if you know anything about Virgil?”

“Virge?” Terrence asked and Roman filed away the nickname as new information. “What do you mean?”

“I talked to him this morning and he was rather hostile. I don’t think he likes me very much,” Roman confessed and slumped his shoulders.

“Virgil is a complex dude. Don’t take it personally. It takes him time to warm up to you. You’re a new face.”

“He seems to be getting on well with everyone else,” Roman muttered.

“It’s not so odd. He’s known most of us for years,” Terrence said.

“Years?” Roman asked with his face captured in surprise.

“Alright, everyone,” Joan called to attention. “We’re about to start. Roman and Jo, we’ll start with the two of you. You ready?”

“Good luck,” Terrence said and slapped a hand on Roman’s shoulder.

It was frustrating but Roman forced himself to stop thinking about Virgil and instead focus on Andrew. He needed to get into character.

“We’ll start with the two of them meeting for the first time,” Joan explained.

Roman knew the schedule already; he had definitely memorized that one.

Jo was smiling and he looked happy. She flashed Roman a bright grin.

“Ready, pal?” Jo asked.

“Born ready,” Roman answered and they took their positions on the stage.

In his head, Roman quickly went over the scene. Andrew had just told Sam that he hated him and he had decided that he didn’t need to make friends. He would be better on his own. Before the scene of meeting Dylan, there would have been a brief montage-like segment to symbolize the week passing where Andrew isolated himself more and more.

Jo was wearing fingerless gloves and playing with an unlit cigarette through his fingers. She looked insanely cool, even if he wasn’t wearing the rest of her costume.

Roman grabbed the prop backpack, swung over his one shoulder, and he started to hunch forward and curl in on himself, like he had been instructed to act while playing Andrew.

It felt very transformative from Roman’s normal tall and good posture but it also helped him get into character.

On Joan’s cue, they started the scene.

“Hey there, boy,” Jo said as Dylan and put the cigarette up to her mouth.

Roman stopped in his tracks and looked around as if to see who was being addressed. Finding the space empty, he frowned at Jo.

“What?” he growled out.

“You’re the boyfriend of that new shining star on campus, right? Sam Taylor?”

Roman adjusted the weight of his backpack and deepened his scowl.

“We’re not boyfriends. We were friends. But not anymore,” he bit out.

Yesterday, they had talked about the slightly sensual undertones that Jo would need to display as Dylan, who was essentially seducing Andrew down a bad path. Nothing sexual happened between the two of them but there were allusions. Roman had asked if Andrew and Sam had ever been romantic, since it was clear that they were very close, but Thomas had told him that it was just an incredibly close friendship and none of them had ever wanted to be romantically involved.

Roman still wished for the story to have a small romantic aspect but he was respecting the script and the directors. He had to, or he might have put up a fight.

“Good riddance,” Jo said as Dylan.

“Excuse me?” Roman as Andrew demanded.

He knew Andrew still cared deeply about his oldest friend, even after having confessed that he hated him. He wasn’t prepared to let a stranger talk smack about him.

“Relax, boy,” Jo said and shoved off the fake bit of wall he had been leaning against. She stalked closer to Roman, with determined smooth strides and it was so unlike the joyful Jo Roman had gotten to know.

“What do you want?” Roman said as Andrew and stepped back as Jo begun to circle him. He felt like prey being taunted by a predator and he supposed it wasn’t an unfair comparison to Andrew and Dylan’s relationship.

Andrew was vulnerable and newly friendless as Dylan just swooped right in and took advantage of it.

“Where are you headed?” Jo asked, in the low voice that he used as Dylan.

“Class?” Roman replied. “Since we’re on campus and all.”

“Smart mouth,” Jo said and curled her lips into a wicked smile. “Wouldn’t you rather do something fun instead?”

Roman hesitated and let it show on his face. In that moment, Andrew felt torn because he didn’t want to go to class. He had been dragging himself to classes for a week like a zombie and he had barely paid attention. “Like what?”

“Fun at the mall?”

“Fun at the mall? What are you, fifteen?”

“I promise it’ll be fun. Come on.”

“I have to go to class. They take attendance and it impacts your grade,” Roman said and tried to move around Jo, but she just stepped in front of him again.

“Or you could just say that you’ve got the flu and you’d get excused.”

“But I’m not ill.”

“Oh, haven’t the little baby ever heard about lying before?”

Roman bristled at that and he could feel and share Andrew’s frustrating in the moment. It was demeaning and annoying to be called a baby.

“Of course, I know how to lie!”

“Prove it then,” Jo challenged in her Dylan voice, as he tilted her head sideways and quirked an eyebrow.

“Why should I do anything you say?”

“Because I’ll be your new best friend and you’ll forget all about those idiots that don’t understand you.”

“I… I think I should go,” Roman tried again to sidestep Jo, but she moved into his path anew.

“Oh come on, are you scared?” Jo asked and on cue the music started to pick up.

The tunes were coming is slowly and building in momentum. Roman was clutching his first so hard that his nails were actually biting into his palms. He let himself feel Andrew’s rage and confusion as Dylan’s solo began.

 

_It doesn’t matter if it’s true_

_Make the world just for you_

_Why do you even care?_

_Are you that easy to scare?_

_Dare to do something_

_Try to see what it’ll bring_

_I know you won’t miss it_

_So why the hell not be complicit?_

_It’s just a little lie_

_Just try to defy_

_A little word_

_A tiny whisper_

_C’mon, just try it_

_I think you’ll like it_

_Make your own rules_

_Don’t be like all the fools_

_It’s just a little lie_

_It doesn’t matter if you lie_

_Scared of making someone cry?_

_Just imagine what you could do_

_I’ll be the one you can turn to_

_Forget about all those idiots_

_You don’t need their weakness_

_I can see so much potential in you_

_With me, you have nothing to live up to_

Roman felt trapped and thoroughly convinced by the time Jo repeated the chorus and made it to the end of the song. As Dylan, she was circling Andrew who Roman portrayed as conflicted and frozen. He was listening to the whispers by Dylan and when Jo got all close and moved a finger along Roman’s jaw, he felt proper goose bumps.

Jo’s voice was demanding to be heard. Like a chant and Roman felt powerless to stop it. He didn’t blame Andrew for throwing caution to the wind and ditching class to go to the mall, where Dylan would then convince him to shoplift.

Something small the first time but as they continued hanging out, it would get bigger and bigger and Andrew would stop coming to class almost altogether. Roman was excited for his outfit change but it was weird knowing he only changed outfit because Andrew stole a jacket matching Dylan’s.

Roman was thankful when the song ended and they took a break because his heart was beating rapidly in his chest. It didn’t have the same impact to read the script and the dialogue as it did having played it out and this was the first time they worked on that scene.

It was all the more convincing when he was being actually circled and challenged. Dylan had been pressing all of Andrew’s buttons expertly. It oddly reminded Roman of his and Virgil’s encounter in the morning.

Then he immediately felt guilty for comparing Virgil to such a lying and deceitful character.

Maybe Roman still needed to work on things.

“Good work, partner,” Jo said and she was smiling brightly again.

It was like seeing a completely different person when he was in character and when she wasn’t. Roman praised her performance and Jo praised him right back. It was a nice thing.

“Good job, guys,” Thomas said, “but can I just talk to you a moment? Joan, can you get Terrence and Valerie ready for their scene?”

Joan nodded and left Thomas alone with Jo and Roman.

Roman instantly felt nervous. Maybe they hadn’t done as well as they thought. He felt flashbacks to his showmare.

“You did well,” Thomas said to reassure them instantly and Roman breathed a little easier. “I just wanted to talk to you about your character motivation in that scene for a moment. Jo, you did great as Dylan but remember to really focus on the allure. Like we talked about, it isn’t sexual but it is a seduction of sort. Andrew is sucked right into it. And Roman, it was good to see you becoming almost scared here but you’re still holding onto a lot of aggression when you play Andrew. You’re always making him really angry.”

“From what I’ve understood, he’s an angry guy. At least until the end of the musical.”

“Yes, and no,” Thomas replied confusingly but he moved on to clarify. “He is angry but he was always more angry at himself that others. It’s sometimes only visible when he’s acting angry outwardly but even then, most of the anger that he feels is directed inwards. I know it’s a difficult to portray but if you could try to make that more visible, then it would be great.”

Roman nodded and tried to accept the criticism without his self-esteem taking a hit. Thomas was kind and open about it and as the director it was his job to help direct the actors. So Roman smiled and nodded and he made a mental note to try to look less outwardly angry.

In the evenings, when he hadn’t been reading through the script, he had sometimes watched other people perform or facial expression videos. He was also unashamed to say that he practiced his reactions in the mirror at home to see how they might come across.

Roman wanted to ask Thomas about how the director seemed to have such a specific version of the character in his head but he didn’t want to come across as rude. It was just that sometimes Thomas spoke of him as if he was a real person.

Roman had a feeling that maybe the poems, on which the musical was based, had been written based on personal experience. Again, Roman wanted to demand to know the identity of the mystery author of the poetry but whenever he had brought it up, he hadn’t had much luck.

No one seemed inclined to answer his questions or help him discover the secret identity. If it was true that the poet had been drawing on personal experiences, or if he even might have been exactly in Andrew’s shoes, it could be invaluable for Roman to get to talk to him. It could be vital for the character but Roman wasn’t sure how to go about getting the information.

So for now, he kept his mouth shut until he had a better idea of how to ask for the information. Valerie and Terrence were still up on stage and Roman took a seat in the audience and watched.

Logan came over and sat down next to him, or rather almost next to him, as he felt a seat free between them.

“How are you doing, Roman?” he asked in the formal tone of his.

Roman didn’t see Logan around and about that often but even so he couldn’t help but having grown a soft spot for the dramaturg. It might also have something to do with Patton’s adorable ramblings about his fiancé. Roman vaguely knew of the soft side of Logan that no one except Patton got to properly see.

Here he was all business. He watched the stage as Valerie as Lena tried to argue against Morgan. Lena wanted the two of them to stay out of Andrew’s business but Morgan was arguing that you had a responsibility to reach out if you saw someone in need of help.

Logan adjusted his glasses and then looked back to Roman.

“I’m doing good,” Roman said.

“You’re doing well,” Logan corrected.

“Of course, you’re a grammar Nazi,” Roman said and rolled his eyes.

Logan looked outraged. “I am no Nazi of any kind. A lack of proper awareness of grammar does certainly not justify the comparison to a Nazi.”

“Ease off,” Roman said with a laugh. “I’m only pulling your leg. Joking, you know? Why are you out here? I haven’t seen you at rehearsals before.”

“I am normally busy,” Logan said. “But Patton insisted that I come out to watch Valerie rehearse.”

“Right, Lena is Patton’s favorite character,” Roman noted with a nod. He tried not to take it personally.

Logan shot him a brief side-glance before looking back up at Valerie and Terrence. “Did he say that?”

“Logan!” Patton called excitedly and all eyes turned towards the joyful man as he sprinted over to where Roman and Patton were sitting. Logan looked apologetically towards the stage but no one seemed to mind the brief interruption.

They were all used to Patton’s antics, one way or another. He was always around, helping out, telling jokes and sometimes clumsily getting in the way.

“Hi,” Patton said in a low voice as he neared Logan and Roman. He quickly brushed a kiss against Logan’s cheek and Logan seemed touched but also a little embarrassed by the chaste show of affection.

“Roman, how did your scene with Jo go? I was out back, so unfortunately I didn’t catch it,” Patton said as he happily took the seat between Logan and Roman, even if he had to climb over his fiancé.

“It was good. Jo is scary as Dylan. When she circled around me while singing from the top of her lungs, I felt vulnerable as hell,” Roman confessed.

“Well, that’s his influence alright. He’s a scary fella,” Patton said.

“Who?” Roman asked.

“Err… D-Dylan,” Patton said but he hesitated just enough that Roman had a feeling he had meant to say something else.

“Shall we watch them perform?” Logan asked and indicated towards the stage and effectively cutting off conversation as Patton quieted down.

If Logan hadn’t been present, Roman might have tired to get some answers out of Patton. He seemed to know much more than he was letting on.

Roman was tired of constantly getting cut off and the sense that everyone knew what was going on except him. He was having a blast of a time and enjoying bonding with everyone but he couldn’t shake the feeling that everyone else was privy to some information that he wasn’t.

He was the lead of the musical. He was the star. He briefly wondered if that might be why he wasn’t allowed to know anything. Maybe the others were jealous, or maybe Roman was doing a poor job of keeping his ego in check.

The showmare and Virgil’s words from earlier still stung. He didn’t want people to see him like that. He just wanted to be liked, maybe a bit too desperately but it wasn’t unusual for a performer to naturally attention-seeking.

They needed to thrive on attention. Still, Roman made a deal with himself that he would try to be more sympathetic and give space to the others, even if he was the lead and the star.

It was the nice thing to do and he knew he wasn’t the one carrying the show. It was a fantasy that one person could do it all. It was a nice fantasy, but a fantasy all the same. You needed good and competent people working together and Roman wondered if he had been stealing too much of the spotlight.

He decided to pour some more energy into speaking with his cast mates and the crew during rehearsals and make sure that their work was praised as much, as they did for Roman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is the chapter and only like fifteen minutes late! I hope you liked it. I'm excited to introduce Dylan's character properly, as he's the main antagonist of the play. Also, Jo's he/him & she/her pronouns is a bit of a challenge to write but I hope it doesn't come across confusingly or I've messed it up (always do let me know if I'm making a mistake). I've had so much fun with packing in hints throughout this chapter, which I've done in all the chapters but the ones in this one made me smile. The next chapter represents the last song of Act 1 and means that we're half-way so there's still a long way to go. So Roman and Virgil are still struggling but they have plenty of time to figure stuff out. Roman is trying desperately but in the process he's doing very badly at respecting Virgil's boundaries. Anyhow, thank you for reading and as always feedback is highly appreciated. It was so great to get to read through and reply to all the comments left throughout August. 
> 
> Next chapter is planned to go up on next Sunday, the 16th of September, and I'll aim for 8 PM CET as usual.


	7. Seduced by Deceit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil was hiding from Roman and avoiding him, which made the process of winning him over all the more difficult. Roman still had no clue why the techie seemed to dislike him so much. But at least he might finally be making progress elsewhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Song No. 6** \- _Seduced by Deceit_ \- Duet between Andrew and Sam with backing vocals from the friend group

It’s quite easy to get into complimenting his cast mates once he starts doing it. They’re all very talented people and they deserve to be praised.

However, as Roman is paying attention to their performances, he does start to feel a small bit of jealousy curling into his stomach. It’s not extreme at all but it’s still there, humming under the surface.

His fellow cast mates are very talented and Roman is slightly worried that they will be taking the spotlight away from his performance. As soon as the thought enters his mind, he condemns it and locks it away deep inside of himself.

He knows it bad to think like that and he doesn’t want to do so.

But he still can’t stop the thoughts from forming, so he just pointedly ignores it and throw himself into his performance wholeheartedly. It’s easier that way and with every scene and every song, he feels like he’s getting a better hold on Andrew.

There’s still the sense that there’s something he can’t quite reach within the character but he has no choice but to keep trying. He wants to see Andrew like a fully fletched character just like Thomas and Joan do.

It’s just difficult.

But Roman was never one to back down from a challenge. Of any kind.

So it is only natural that he also starts to treat winning over Virgil like a challenge. Sure, the techie’s words had stung, more than Roman would admit but Virgil had also apologized right after. He just had a temper.

Roman could relate to that and he could handle it. It only made things more interesting to have passionate individuals in your life.

It wasn’t easy to even commence his mission to make Virgil like him because Virgil had gone right back to avoiding him. He continuously arrived earlier than Roman, no matter what time Roman showed up and he had no clue how Virgil managed to pull that off.

During the breaks, he was nowhere to be found. He didn’t even seem to be working much with Kenny, Kyle and Taylor who were the rest of the technical crew. Virgil was always just invisible and it was getting on Roman’s nerves.

How was he supposed to win him over if he wasn’t even here to be won over?

It didn’t stop Roman from having fun with the rest of the cast and crew. They got closer and closer as the rehearsal days passed and Roman felt like he had really found a sense of a stage family that he had craved for so long.

He woke up with a pep in his step every morning at the knowledge that he would be seeing these cool people.

It had been extremely nice to reconnect with Patton as well.

Patton would just randomly show up during different times of the day and just help out whenever it was needed. He was a ball of positive energy and everyone loved him. No one seemed to question that he was doing work without actually being hired as crew.

The one time Roman tried to bring it up with Patton, he had just brushed it off and said that he liked to do a lot of volunteer work and help out where he could. Roman wasn’t sure where he was getting any money to actually live, but Logan thankfully seemed like a very financially responsible individual and he would take care that Patton was looked after.

They lived together in a flat not far from the theater and at the end of the working day, Patton had invited the cast and crew home for a chill pizza party and watching Steven Universe.

Roman had happily accepted the invitation, as had most of the other people from what he’d heard. Of course, Virgil wasn’t one of those and Roman didn’t want to cause questions by asking for the techie with the eye shadow specifically.

He would just hope that he’d be there.

Yesterday, Roman and Jo had both been pulled aside to sound booth in the back of the theater by Logan to record some vocals. The third song of Act 2 would feature some overlapping “whispers” from Andrew and Dylan to cause the illusion of thoughts inside of Andrew’s head being audible during that song, which was sung by his friends. Logan was extremely professional during the recording and Roman had never quite seen a dramaturg get so involved with the production.

Jo had gone in to record first and Roman took the quiet moment alone with Logan to ask him about it.

“What do you mean?” Logan just asked with a frown.

“I mean,” Roman clarified, “that you’re working intensely on this musical. You’re heavily involved in the process. Is that normal for you?”

Logan’s movements became slightly stilted. “No.”

Roman looked at him encouragingly to elaborate but Logan seemed unable to understand. Even when Roman waved his hand in circles to further indicate it, Logan still didn’t elaborate.

“And…?” Roman finally said.

“Oh, I didn’t realize you required a follow-up. It was a simple yes or no question.”

Roman huffed out an irritated breath as he tried to gather his thoughts and not get frustrated with Logan. He had discovered that Logan’s mind, as smart as he was, sometimes missed some social clues. Roman knew he probably wasn’t doing it on purpose, at least after he had heard Patton speak about it, so he tried to give him space.

“Okay. Then let me pose you a new one instead. Why are you spending more time on this musical than normally?”

Logan hesitated and shifted his eyes back and forth. He looked unsure. It wasn’t a normal look on him and Roman became even more intrigued.

“It is personal,” Logan said, slowly speaking each word. “I have a personal attachment to the story.”

“And why-“

“I’m sorry for interrupting you,” Logan stated, as he was interrupting Roman, “but I do not want to elaborate on that answer. It is a personal matter.”

Roman chewed on his lower lip and he was just so damn curious but he couldn’t do anything to satisfy it. Logan was right that you were allowed to have personal matters but Roman still felt so desperately out of the loop.

“Why is everyone so damn cryptic about the origins of this musical?” Roman mumbled to himself and crossed his arms.

Logan eyes him carefully as if to assess whether he might throw a temper tantrum like a child. Roman wouldn’t, even if he might have felt like it.

“Is a grievance of yours?”

“I just want to know what’s going on behind the scenes of the story that I’m supposed to perform!” Roman complained a little louder.

Logan reached up and adjusted his glasses. “I see. I can try to speak with the original author to possible give you copies of the poetry?” Logan offered.

Roman instantly dropped his arms and gaped at Logan. This was a new tune. He was still not offering much but it was widely better than when Roman had first asked to speak to the original author before rehearsals begun. Back then, Logan had simply told him that everything he needed would be in the script and the song lyrics.

“Yes, please!” Roman exclaimed and tried to move in to catch Logan in a hug but he quickly stepped back to indicate he wasn’t interested in physical displays of Roman’s affection.

“I can’t promise that it’ll change anything, Roman. He might not want to share it with you.”

“He, huh?” Roman said, instantly latching onto that bit of new information. It wasn’t really surprising if the poetry was indeed based on personal experiences and Andrew was a male character. But it was still very good to have his suspicions confirmed.

“I’m done talking to you,” Logan said.

“Why? Why does it even need to be so secret?”

“You’re asking the wrong person,” Logan said. “Get back to rehearsal, your vocals are done.”

Roman hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it since the conversation yesterday. He had excitedly checked his dressing room and even asked Logan after arriving but there was no word yet.

Roman tried to be patient. It really wasn’t his strong suit.

It was easier to focus on other things, like actually rehearsing and looking out for Virgil lurking somewhere in a corner. Despite his protests, the techie definitely did lurk. He liked to lean against walls, pull one foot up to rest on the wall and cross his arms. Roman had also spotted him on top of tables a couple of times.

Roman wanted to get to know him. He wanted to know more about him because he was a mystery too and Roman wanted to solve it so badly. He wanted Virgil to like him because he had a feeling that they would get along if Virgil just gave him a chance instead of rejecting him flat out.

Roman had never been the best at tackling rejection, which was hilarious considering his chosen career path, but it still remained true.

“Okay, buds,” Thomas called in. “We’ll go through the last song of Act 1 again. We still need a few tweaks to that performance. So Roman, Leo, Camden, Derionna, Brittney and Jamahl can you all please find your places? Roman, you’ll be center stage once we begin.”

“Hold up,” Talyn said and came dashing out across the stage. They were holding up a skin jacket that Roman had been fitted in a couple of days ago. “This is ready. You might as well wear it to get a feel for it. Andrew will just have switched out his hoodie for the jacket after the shoplifting montage before the song.”

Roman nodded and took hold of the jacket carefully. It wasn’t mandatory to wear their costumes during rehearsal but Roman quite liked it and he had been excited to wear it.

It fit like a glove across Roman’s shoulders and he even did a little twirl. It was much cooler than the baggy hoodie and he couldn’t help but like that he was wearing something cool rather than something that made him feel a little uncomfortable and unflattering.

Of course, this was the moment that Roman spotted Virgil for the first time in the day. He was twirling around with a big smile on his face and when he spotted Virgil he just flat out stopped and his stomach dropped.

Virgil looked furious at him and Roman had no clue what he had done this time. He seemed to always be doing something wrong but it was incredibly difficult to figure out what when Virgil didn’t want to talk to him about anything ever.

If it hadn’t been because Joan and Thomas was calling for the lights to go down, so they could test the equipment while rehearsing, then Roman might have sprinted out after Virgil. It probably wouldn’t have mattered much because Virgil was surprisingly fast and he was an expert at hiding.

If he didn’t want to be found then you wouldn’t find him.

“Ready, Roman?” Joan asked and Roman forced himself to focus on Andrew and his performance.

He was happy with his new friendship with Dylan. He felt like he had found someone who understood him and treated him how he wanted to be treated, which wasn’t very well. Dylan was slightly verbally abusive and he hardly spoke one truthful word. It was toxic, which was easy to see from the outside but at the present moment of the musical Andrew was still wrapped up in Dylan’s deceitful claws and he didn’t want to listen to reason.

The song was a good way of conveying that.

“We’ll do the brief dialogue running up to the song,” Thomas announced. “You ready, Leo?”

“Yes,” Leo confirmed and Roman saw the lights drop.

He absentmindedly wondered if Virgil would be helping to man the lighting but he doubted it.

“Andrew,” Leo said as he approached, fast steps suddenly coming to a halt when he saw Andrew’s changed outfit.

Roman looked shocked as well because Andrew would not be expecting his oldest and ex-best friend to show up after he had yelled in his face that he hated him.

Andrew still hated himself so much for that and just seeing Sam’s face made him feel guilty all over. Roman drew in his shoulders and put on a huge frown as a defense.

“What are you doing here?” Roman as Andrew spit out with venom.

Leo did an excellent job of being shaken and worried at the same time with his facial expression.

“Some people around campus are saying that you made friends with someone who shoplifts,” Leo said carefully, in his even Sam voice. “And that jacket looks too expensive for you to have bought it. What are you doing, Andrew?”

Roman frowned deeper and tilted his head a little to the side while glaring at Leo.

“I made friends, just like you.”

“It’s not like me,” Leo, as Sam, argued. “You know it’s not. You’re smarter than this, Andrew. Please. You have to listen to-“

“I don’t have to do anything!” Roman exclaimed and stormed forward and got all up into Leo’s face. Leo stumbled backwards. Sam wouldn’t have expected to see such an outburst from Andrew because it was widely out of character.

But then again, his character was changing and being influenced by Dylan. He was changing in a negative way.

“Andrew, I’m just trying to help you!”

“I told you to stop helping already! Why do you refuse to listen? Just leave me alone!” Roman spoke with increasing intensity and by the end of it he was yelling.

The lights changed and different spotlights now lit up the two of them.

 

_You don’t know me if you think I’d leave_

_Who are you trying to deceive?_

_I know you and this isn’t you_

_Why am I not the one you come to?_

_You are being manipulated_

_So I would much rather we debated_

_Scream and yell at me_

_Tell me you hate me_

_You need help to not get a mug shot_

_I’m here whether you want it or not_

Roman threw his head back and he moved forward to circle Leo, much like Jo had circled him when they had rehearsed the song coming just before this duet. He was purposely mimicking her movements as Dylan, clearly showing that he was picking up more traits from his new friend.

Leo had the first verse but now it was Roman’s turn and it wouldn’t be pretty because Andrew’s heart was still full of hurt and a lack of belonging and shattering self-doubt. It was a much deeper type of doubt that what Roman had experienced when he started worrying about the brilliant talents of his fellow cast mates but it still helped him to sympathize and recognize it.

He let the emotions be Andrew’s instead and he brought the sharp edge to his tongue as he sung the second verse, still circling Leo like he was prey and not his best friend that he still cared for despite his harsh words.

 

_You want me to scream?_

_I’m not coming apart at the **seams!**_

_You’ve got it all **wrong!**_

_I just realized that I didn’t belong…_

_…_

_I- I’ve just moved on…_

_I’m not waiting for a rising dawn_

_I’ve just become unafraid…_

_I’m done needing your fucking **aid!**_

 

It was a difficult verse with so many emotions and Roman moving from shouting to singing softly and letting his voice trail off and stumble. Andrew was trying so hard to be tough like Dylan had taught him but it was difficult when he was face to face with Sam, his very best friend whom he had known since childhood.

His defenses were crumbling at the sight out good-hearted Sam trying his very best to still help him, even after all that they had been through.

The four college friends were coming onto the stage now, gradually humming in harmony as the song finally moved onto its chorus. At their appearance, Roman stumbled away from Sam and the approaching people. He retreated all the way to the side of the stage, looking like he might bolt any moment.

Sam started singing and the friends harmonized and provided backing vocals.

_It might seem all so flipping neat_

_But you’re being seduced by deceit_

_Just open your eyes and see_

_There’s so much more you could be_

_We never wanted to make you feel low_

_We care about you more than you know_

_More than you know_

_More than you know_

_More than you know_

“Beautiful!” Joan yelled as the song finished and Thomas looked like he might have been wiping away a tear. Roman felt the praise wash over him pleasantly but as they finished he also remembered Virgil’s cold glance before the scene had begun.

As soon as he was able he jetted off stage and tried to search for Virgil but to no avail. He was gone, even his backpack from the changing room had vanished with him.

They wrapped up at the end of the day and piled into their various cars and they all drove to a local pizzeria and picked up pizza. Roman was driving with Valerie and Jo and he was having a blast joking with the two of them as they waited.

With all the pizzas collected, they met up at Logan and Patton’s flat, which both of Roman’s passengers seemed completely familiar with.

He was a little nervous to be invited into their home but Valerie and Jo walked in like they owned the place. They moved with an air that Roman envied because they made it look so easy.

Roman usually felt very assured in social situations but when he was reminded that he was lacking the history that the others shared, he started to feel a little left out. It never lasted for an extended period of time because someone would instantly pull him along and he was quickly told by an excited Patton to make himself at home.

It was rather adorable that every single type of chair was dragged into their living room to make room for everyone and a few were even fold out chairs so no one would be left out and several people piled into the big sofa, including Roman.

He found himself happily squished between Thomas and Talyn and it was very nice. The pizza was delicious and conversations happened across the whole table.

Patton enjoyed playing host, immediately jumping up whenever someone’s glass was emptied and he had even decorated a little. He evidently didn’t have any specific decorations for having a theater crew over for a chill pizza party but Roman felt like the rainbow and pride decoration was a nice touch.

It made him feel welcomed all over again.

Roman had usually felt accepted amongst drama geeks. In his experience, they were all rather accepting of LGBTQ+ people and differences in general.

Still, this little crew of people seemed to be even more accepting than most.

Thomas mentioned something about a shirt that he had given Patton last June and instantly Patton sprang up and returned wearing a black T-shirt with the words COULD BE GAYER. written across the chest where the first two words were white but the rest were rainbow colored. It was awesome and when Roman asked about it, Thomas said that he had just made it himself with iron on letters.

Roman’s excitement must have been evident on his face because Thomas promised to make him one as well.

It was a very good night and the pizza was delicious. Roman talked and munched, sometimes at the same time, which always earned him a glance from Logan letting him know to remember his manners.

It had little effect because Roman felt at peace and accepted completely.

He was a little sad to see that Virgil didn’t arrive at all. He had hoped that he would get a chance to talk to him in a place where he couldn’t just jet off and disappear into the rafts or whatever he always did.

When someone else, Camden specifically, brought up Virgil, Roman listened intensely but tried to hide his interest as well. He knew he was failing but he was interested to see what they would say regarding the mystery techie.

“Oh, he isn’t much for parties, that kiddo,” Patton commented, causally. “I did still invite him.”

“Yeah, he’s not much for big crowds,” Thomas chimed in. “But I’m sure he appreciates the thought.”

Conversation moved on after that and Roman couldn’t find a way to bring Virgil back up without making it seem weird. He had noted how almost everyone had nodded in recognition at both Thomas and Patton’s words. It seemed like they all knew Virgil fairly well.

Roman felt a little left out again, which was stupid because he was here amongst all of them, having a great time and bonding but it still bothered him that everyone seemed to know more about Virgil than he did.

He just wanted to be his friend.

Or…

Yeah, he wanted to be his friend but he also couldn’t deny that there was something about those intense eyes that make Roman’s heart flutter a little. Virgil was attractive and he had a sharp tongue and he knew how to handle himself. He would be able to push back against Roman.

Roman wanted someone like that. Someone who could keep up with him and create pushback.

Every conversation with Virgil so far had left Roman craving for more. It had light a spark in him.

But even so, he was firstly interested in making Virgil like him. He still looked like he was sucking a lemon most times when he spotted Roman, so he would have to fix that first.

Roman excused himself to use the bathroom and he took note of how clearly Logan and Patton’s styles mixed out there, as well in other places. There were fun things that had no practical use littered around their space and occasional burst of color. Then there were all the practical things and the deeper and calmer colors. It shouldn’t have looked as good as it did but somehow the clashes worked well.

Fun mixed with practicality.

It was a bit like Patton and Logan themselves.

Anyone meeting the two of them separately wouldn’t have thought that they would be a good match. And yet, they were so good for each other.

Logan kept Patton focused when he got a little too carried away. Patton reminded Logan of the importance of fun and letting go once in a while.

They made each other better. Roman wanted something like that for himself.

As he came back out of the bathroom, he did a quick swing by the kitchen on his way to the living room.

Patton was in the process of filling over a dozen of bowls with ice cream. Roman burst out laughing, softly, at the sight but Patton quickly rushed over to him and put a hand over his mouth.

“Shh, Roman!” he whispered.

“Right,” Roman replied and got his laughing under control.

“It’s a surprise. I wanted to make sure we had dessert,” Patton said innocently. “You can’t have people going hungry.”

Roman wasn’t sure if any of them could eat anything more after having devoured all those pizzas but he had never been one to turn down ice cream.

“Sounds grand, Padre. Let me help you out,” Roman offered and grabbed another spoon.

Patton wasn’t getting through it very fast and it wouldn’t be good to serve melted ice cream.

“Thank you, Roman. You’re a spoon of joy!” Patton replied and held up his spoon.

Roman let out a little chuckle and went to stab the rock hard ice cream. He understood why Patton wasn’t making much progress.

“This has been a very nice evening,” Roman told Patton. “Thank you for inviting me.”

“Of course!” Patton said as if anything else would have been ridiculous. “You’re one of us. You’re lucky. Some of the best people in the world are in our friend group.”

Roman hummed thoughtfully. “You were all friends beforehand?”

Patton nodded. “Basically. Thomas is the one who brought most of us together. He’s great at making new friends. Though, I met Virgil before Thomas and I already knew Logan at that point. We’ve known each other since we were kids. We used to butt heads all the time. We seemed to always be at odd ends with each other. I would feel one way and Logan would think differently.”

“What made you get together?” Roman asked, curiously as he scooped another bit of ice cream into a bowl.

“We were in college, studying different things but I still made sure that we hang out a lot. Logan got totally absorbed in his academia, which I was proud of because he’s very smart, but he would sometimes pull all-nighters when he forgot about logic for a beat. It didn’t happen often but when he had to read a hundred pages for the following day he would just keep reading without breaks. I liked to remind him to take breaks.”

“That’s very sweet, Patton. But you still didn’t answer my question,” Roman pointed out.

“Oh, right. Sorry, I get a bit distracted talking about Logan. It’s like his just consuming so much of my head sometimes, you know? I love him so much. It’s actually Virgil who got us together.”

“Virgil?” Roman asked, so surprised that his hands just froze up.

“Yeah,” Patton said cheerily. “He apparently pulled Logan aside one day and told him that I liked him, which of course I did but I thought Logan knew already. I wasn’t exactly subtle when I started crushing on him. But Logan and I see the world very differently and we’ve gotten better at seeing things from each other’s perspective. We still mess up at times but we always try our best.”

“I can’t believe Virgil got you together,” Roman said under his breath. “He seems like the last person to get involved in someone’s romance.”

“Virgil has many layers, like a cake! You have to dig through the top layers to get to the foundation but he’s one sweet boy, despite his dark outer coating. You just have to give him a chance.”

“Oh, trust me, I’ve been trying. I think it’s him that doesn’t want to give me a chance. He doesn’t like me. He keeps glaring daggers at me and he always look mad at me and I don’t know how to make it better,” Roman complained and he could hear that he might sound a bit like a pining teenager.

Evidently, Patton picked up on that as well.

“Roman, do you like Virgil?”

“Huh?” Roman said and snapped up his head. “What…? Err…”

“Oh my goodness! You do! That’s so precious!” Patton started actually squealing.

Roman tried to get him to keep quiet but it was to no avail because gushing Patton could not be quieted at all. Logan came out into the kitchen to check on the sound and he had a fond glance on his face as he spotted his fiancé squealing and the numerous bowls of ice cream around them.

“I think everyone have been sufficiently fed, dear,” Logan said.

Patton was grinning and he didn’t let Logan’s comment detect him at all. “You can always have ice cream. That’s a law. A Patton’ed law. Help me with the bowls, Logan.”

Logan sighed but he didn’t protest as he took two bowls with him and headed back into the living room.

Roman felt flustered and caught out and he wanted to say something to Patton but he didn’t need to.

Patton simply pulled him into a hug, kissed his cheek and whispered that Roman’s secret was safe with him. Roman breathed a little easier after that.

He wasn’t ready to confess his attraction to Virgil yet. But was he really crushing? Was that why he had been so obsessed with Virgil?

Looking back at his actions, Roman supposed it made sense but he didn’t know what to do with this information.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with that Act 1 is complete and we're halfway through the story. I finally sat down and actually worked out the rest of the storyline so I know what'll happen more explicitly in the different six remaining chapters. I have so many good scenes planned, you guys. I'm so excited to show you. And I managed to update on time this week! Yay! I'm still proud of myself when that happens. The other chaptered story I've been posting weekly on Saturdays ([a phanfic AU with horses if you're interested](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14948654)) is ending next week, so now I won't have two weekly updating stories which making everything a bit more difficult. 
> 
> Next update will be on Sunday, 23rd of September, with my usual upload time being 8 PM CET. 
> 
> Also, if you're on tumblr you can find me on [@natigail](http://natigail.tumblr.com) (main for fandom stuff) and [@secretlywritingstories](http://secretlywritingstories.tumblr.com) (purely my writing and quotes I like). My ask box on my main is always open.


	8. You have to reach out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being inspired by one of the heartwarming songs that he watched his cast mates perform, Roman felt a new urge to seek out Virgil and attempt to talk to him again, despite how badly it went last time. He hadn't been expected their conversation to take the turn that it did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Song No. 7** \- _You have to reach out_ \- Sung by Morgan and Lena (duet)

He didn’t want to acknowledge his crush on Virgil at first. He tried to ignore the revelation from Patton but it wasn’t really working. Now that he had become aware of it, Roman caught himself staring in Virgil’s direction a whole lot.

He would always try to sneak glances at the shy techie when he got a quiet moment. Virgil was a peculiar dude. He was often found sitting on top of tables, with his legs folded beneath him and scribbling away in an old notebook. He looked completely at ease like that, in his own little world.

Roman didn’t dare to go near him. He was still nursing his wounds from when he had tried to bring Virgil coffee and he had gotten insults thrown in his face. Virgil was observant and it seemed like he always knew what to say to make the most hurt.

Even if it had looked like he was doing it accidentally. It lessened the pain a little but it did not make it go away completely.

Rehearsals were halfway done by now and Roman was starting to feel the excitement. Before he knew it, it would be time for the premiere and then he would get to go out on stage and perform just like he was meant to.

He felt so at ease and comfortable on the stage and he was hardly to tear away from it. The stage constantly beaconed him and he was so thankful that he had been cast in the role as Andrew.

He had his ups and downs with his character but the more time he spent speaking the lines and portraying Andrew’s body language the more he felt like he connected with the troubled young man. The song lyrics still helped Roman the most because it served as a way to look into Andrew’s mind.

Roman was still hoping that Logan’s request for the original author to reach out to Roman would set something in motion. He wanted to read the original poetry and he wanted to talk to the person who had created the backbone for this beautiful story to be built upon.

But he restrained himself from asking Logan about it again. Logan hadn’t appreciated when Roman had asked about how it was going the day after. He was just told that things take time and that he should exercise patience.

He wasn’t good at that, so instead he just tried to keep his focus on the musical at all times. It wasn’t hard because he was thinking about it almost non-stop already. They had gradually made it through most of the songs and scenes at least once now but they still had a full week to run over the last bits and pieces and rehearse it more often than not with their finished costumes and with the set that was slowly coming together.

Roman still hadn’t seen his allegedly modified hoodie but Talyn assured him that it would be ready for him soon. He was curious to see what it would look like, as it was his final costume change and the thing he would be wearing when the curtain would fall and the applause would sound.

When Roman was up on stage and watching out over the crowd he could almost hear and see them. The sound would reverberate through him and he would feel at home. They would see his talent and the talent of all the people involved in the production and he would get a special kind of happiness that he had only found while performing.

A couple of hours into rehearsals, Terrence and Valerie were called up on stage to perform their duet. It was almost at the opening of the second Act and it was important that they managed to introduce themselves quickly and establish their roles.

Morgan and Lena did not know Andrew beforehand but they were students at the college who just happened to see him. They also heard the rumors about him and Dylan, like so many other students had but other than just ignoring and dismissing their involvement. Morgan urged Lena that the two of them should try to talk to him to see if they could help.

Morgan’s suggestion made cynical Lena very apprehensive and she tried to talk him out of interfering and sticking his nose where it didn’t belong. Morgan counter argued that it wasn’t about that.

“Okay, Valerie and Terrence can you take your places?” Thomas asked.

“Remember, guys, you the first thing the audience sees after the curtain goes back up and you’re entirely new characters so early establishment is key, so we don’t have someone not knowing what is going on,” Joan added.

“Got it,” Valerie said in unison.

“I’ll make you proud, Patton!” Terrence yelled to Patton who was sat in the audience next to Roman.

He squealed with glee and gave Terrence the biggest thumbs up.

“What did he mean?” Roman asked Patton in a hushed voice.

“Oh, just that… err… that he wanted to do a good job as Morgan? You know everyone knows that Lena is my favorite character and oh, yeah! Morgan is sharing a lot of scenes across from her, you know?”

Patton was a terrible liar and he did this weird twist of his eyebrows when he was lying. Roman wasn’t sure why he was lying but he had a sneaking suspicion that it was related to whatever mystery that most of the cast still hid from him. It was infuriating and he was just about to open his mouth and argue that it was unfair that he was continuously being left out. However, before he got a word out, Patton reached over and took Roman’s arm and sent him quite a stern glance for such a big fluff ball.

“Let’s watch them, Roman?”

“I just don’t understand why you’re all so secretive,” Roman complained but he did turn his focus back to the stage.

“It’s not our secret to tell. Just wait. You’ll be told eventually. I just know it.”

Patton sounded absolutely confident in his words now and it was a stark contrast to when he had been lying just before. Roman decided to drop it yet again, even if it still pained him. At least, Patton was the first person who had stopped saying that he was being ridiculous and he didn’t need to know everything.

It was a comfort, albeit a small one.

The lights dropped on the stage and then came back on. Terrence and Valerie was sitting at a table with bench seats attached to it, or rather Valerie was sitting at the bench with her back straight and a book in her lap while Terrence was sitting on top of the table with his legs swinging back and forth at the end of the table while he played with the edge of his cardigan.

Roman thought it worked well as an establishing shot; Terrence as a bit of a carefree airhead and Valerie as the hardcore academic. It wasn’t all they were by far but that was what you might see at first glance despite the fact that both of them wore glasses.

“Lena,” Terrence asked in a chipper voice as he kept his gaze off stage.

“Yes?” Valerie answered without looking up from her book.

Terrence didn’t continue until she finally looked up, caught his eye and moved to leave her bookmark on the page she was reading, closing the book and putting it on the table with a little sigh, while a smile was playing at the edge of her mouth. Like the two of them had done that a thousand times.

“I’m worried about the kiddo hanging out with Dylan. Did you see that the two of them are wearing matching snakeskin jackets now?”

A thoughtful expression crossed Valeria’s face.

“I suspect your observation might be correct about the freshman and our resident bad influence, Morgan. However, I fail to see at which relevance you bring it up.”

“I feel like we should help him,” Morgan said. “You know how Dylan tried to manipulate me when I first started?”

“Yes, of course I remember. He was telling you all the things you wanted to hear but he was not being honest with you. I did say to you that I classified him as a pathological liar.”

“Yes, but _you_ are the one who told me that and warned me about him,” Terrence argued as Morgan.

“Yes,” Valerie said as Lena. “Because you were not aware. I have not failed to observe their exchanges when I’ve seen them over the past month. But I would also guess that this freshman, Andrew I believe is his name, is completely aware of who he is getting into bed with.”

“Hmm… I still think we should help him.”

“It is my understanding that Sam Taylor is an old childhood friend.”

“Yeah, he seems so sweet! He’s always smiling and looking happy!”

“Indeed. He seems like the friend who would have a much better chance at getting Andrew to realize his mistakes.”

“But just because Andrew might have someone looking out for him, it doesn’t mean that everyone else should just assume that is enough, Lena. You can always use a little extra help, you know. Another helping hand never hurt anyone.”

“I disagree. We might just send him spinning further into Dylan’s clutches if he feels pressured by two strangers.”

“Nope, I don’t agree. And you know how I’m going to convince you?”

“Morgan, I beg of you not another…”

“Song!” Terrence said joyfully and loudly and the music started playing.

 

You know I don’t like to sing

I don’t see how this will do anything

 

Valerie spoke the first couple of lyrics mechanically.

 

_No one can resist a cheery tune_

_As you’ll see all too soon_

_You have a much bigger heart_

_You’re much more than smart_

_Come on, I know you can do it_

 

Terrence sang and he had now jumped down from the table and he was smiling brightly at Valerie who had yet to get up. An expression of defeat crossed her features.

 

_You know me better than I’d like to admit_

_But we should not interfere_

_Even if you’re sincere_

 

Terrence now reached out a hand and Valerie took it carefully and let herself be pulled up to stand next to him, as the chorus kicked in and Terrence sang happily while Valerie sung much quieter but their voices still meshed together really well.

 

_Some days, you can feel like you’re all alone_

_Hoodie down, occupied with headphones_

_You might feel like no one understands_

_As you try to hide your shaking hands_

_So if you see someone struggling_

_You have to reach out to help_

_Just put your hand in mine_

_I’ll help be your lifeline_

_You can’t stay silent_

_When you see pain_

The chorus finished and Valerie looked positively smitten with Morgan but she still wasn’t ready to give up her position just yet.

 

_I would still argue against you_

_How could we help someone pull through?_

_We don’t know him at all_

_What would you even say to him?_

 

As Valerie finished, Morgan now looked like he was the smitten one, gazing at her as it was clear to everyone from her words and body language that she was letting go of her defenses and the only reason she was arguing was because she worried that she wouldn’t be able to have a positive influence.

 

_Just smile and say hello I would say_

_People can be helped with a simple hey_

_To remind them that they are not alone_

_As they might otherwise not have known_

 

By now Valerie as Lena was smiling a little more and it was clear that she had given into Morgan’s pestering. For the second time when they sung the chorus, she finally let her voice shine a bit more and it was a beautiful harmony to hear both of them singing at full strength. They looked good together and Roman suddenly wondered if there was a subplot of the two of them being together.

He hadn’t seen it when he had been given the character profiles but the way that Valerie and Terrence were playing them, it did seem like they were either together or at least interested in each other.

Roman didn’t have much time to ponder it because the song was still echoing in his head and it had started a different thought spiral as well. As much as he had tried not to think about Virgil and just focus on the musical, he now couldn’t stop his thoughts from turning towards the guy.

The song had stirred up something inside of him.

It was about the importance of reaching out and Roman might have read the lyrics before but he hadn’t heard it performed and it added another layer to it to see Terrence as Morgan pour so much emphasis on the importance of helping when you saw someone struggling and then on the other hand having Valerie as Lena be worried of overstepping boundaries or putting her nose where it didn’t belong.

It was an odd dichotomy and Roman recognized himself in both of the characters. It wasn’t easy to just walk up to someone and ask them if they were doing okay or giving them a shoulder to lean on, especially if you did not know them very well. At the same time, it might be difficult to watch someone struggle and feel like you should help but not knowing how to do it.

Roman wondered if Virgil needed help.

He was clearly struggling with something. Even if he might be avoiding Roman more than other people, he still didn’t talk to a lot of the cast and crew, who he was supposedly friends with and had known for years.

He felt very withdrawn and Roman was worried about him.

He hadn’t been able to identity the feeling until hearing the song.

He had thought that he was just interested in winning over Virgil’s affections and praise but he hadn’t realized that some of it might also stem from a point of wanting to help.

Roman knew he could be selfish at times, and maybe even more often than he was willing to admit. He always put himself first and while he didn’t think that was bad per say, it did mean that he came off as insensitive at times.

Virgil didn’t like he put himself first, ever.

They were going to run another couple of scenes with Valerie and Terrence and probably try the song again, so Roman took it as his chance to sneak off to find Virgil. He needed to speak with him, not just to satisfy his own curiosity but to check up on him as well.

In the musical, Andrew had reacted somewhat mixed at Morgan and Lena approaching him. He had still been angry and hostile but Morgan’s cheery attitude and Lena’s no bullshit attitude had quickly made him question his behavior with Dylan.

Virgil had snared at Roman and insulted him the last time they had talked but maybe he, like Andrew, just needed some time to soften up.

Roman walked around backstage and he wasn’t utterly surprised to see Virgil sat, with his notebook in hand, on top of one of the sound speakers. It was probably expensive equipment and Roman thought that it was happy that Logan wasn’t here to see it. He was fairly sure that the dramaturg wouldn’t appreciate it, but then again as part of the technical crew it was part of Virgil’s job to handle the tech, right?

Even if Roman didn’t know if sitting on top of it justified as handling it.

Backstage was quiet for now and Roman was trying to be silent in his steps but as soon as he entered the room, Virgil’s head snapped up and he glared at him.

He always looked so angry when he saw Roman. Roman still wasn’t ready to let go figuring out just why he seemed to push all of Virgil’s buttons just by existing but right now he didn’t want to talk about that.

It hadn’t ended well last time, so he wanted to try a different approach. The song had said that a simple greeting would be a good way to start but Roman felt a little stilted anyway.

“Hello. Hey,” he said and actually waved.

Why was he being so awkward around Virgil? It couldn’t only be the fact that he was crushing on him, could it? Roman was used to flirting with people all the time and he was no stranger to crushes but it felt different with Virgil. It might have something to do with the fact that Roman was aware that Virgil wouldn’t like flirtatious comments or romantic gestures. He might bite or kick him or something like that if Roman tried.

He didn’t know what to do when he spoke to him. But Roman had never been one for backing down from a quest, so he persevered.

“Hi?” Virgil said with a frown and put his notebook to the side, pulled one knee up to his chest and let the other dangle down the front of the big sound speaker he was sitting on top.

“I was just… I wanted to see if we were okay?”

Virgil was scowling at him now but still Roman didn’t budge and he did not let the smile fall from his face either.

“I told you. We’re fine.”

“Did you know that a lot of people say they are ‘fine’,” Roman said and even did air quotes to accompany the word, “while they are indeed not fine.”

“We’re okay then. Is that better?” Virgil asked and took his notebook back into his hands.

Roman let out a sigh. This wasn’t going how he hoped. He had no opportunity to ask Virgil if something was bothering him or if he could help with something, if Virgil didn’t even want to talk to him.

He needed to find some common ground with him. Oh! It might be a good idea to talk to him about Andrew. Like everyone else in the crew, Virgil seemed to have a thing about the lead in the musical. He had accused Roman of seeing and portraying Andrew as an asshole and he might have felt a bit like that in the beginning but it wasn’t true anymore.

He sympathized with Andrew’s struggles and pain. Roman had even started to research the topic of the penultimate song because it wasn’t a mental health issue he dealt with himself and he wanted to understand it more.

He wanted to do the character justice and he didn’t think he should be portrayed as an asshole at all. Even in the beginning of the musical, when Andrew was acting like an asshole to his friends and family, he didn’t do it out of malice.

He was just struggling and lashing out and it became clear later that he very much regretted his actions.

“Did you want something?” Virgil asked and looked up over the edge of his notebook when Roman just kept standing in front of him without saying a word.

When Virgil got uncomfortable, he pulled his shoulders up and he was doing that right now.

“I… I just wanted to tell you that I don’t think Andrew is an asshole. I don’t know if you remember but you told me that before. I will admit that I thought he was crass and rude in the beginning when I didn’t understand the story or his character yet but I don’t feel like that anymore, Virgil. Andrew has some sharp edges that you can cut yourself on but he isn’t a bad guy.”

As Roman referenced song title from the second Act, he saw the side of Virgil’s mouth twist upwards slightly.

“Well… that’s good, I guess. W-They were really worried about finding someone to play him credibly,” Virgil said while he ran his hands over the back of his now close notebook.

“I plan on doing him justice. I even asked Logan to reach out to the original poet to see if I could get my hands on the poems they made the songs out of.”

Virgil’s shoulders seemed to creep up even higher, even if Roman wasn’t sure how that was possible.

“Why do you want those?”

“Like I said, to understand him better. He isn’t the most vocal guy and when he does speak, his dialogue doesn’t always represent what he is actually thinking and feeling. He’s always shutting people out and putting up a front, you know?”

“Yeah,” Virgil muttered softly.

It was odd talking to Virgil like this, having to glance up towards him, but he was more open and less hostile than he had ever been while talking to Roman so he didn’t have a word of complain. Maybe Virgil just felt less vulnerable off the floor?

“I’ve never had to play a role like him before. He’s… interesting.”

“People use that word when they don’t like something or someone but they don’t want to be rude about it,” Virgil said and the sharp edge was back in his voice.

Roman actually flinched. He hadn’t been prepared for Virgil to swing form one to the other so quickly.

“I don’t mean that, Virgil.”

“Hmm. Why are you even here, Roman?” he asked.

“I wanted to talk to you,” Roman said earnestly. “And to be completely honest, the _You have to reach out_ duet got me thinking.”

“What? You think _I_ need help or something?” he asked and his defenses were all back up and the hostility was practically pouring form his gaze. Virgil did not like people thinking that he needed help. Noted.

But it wasn’t right. It wasn’t a sign of weakness to need help every now and again. Literally everyone in the entire world needed help once in a while.

“It just reminded me that you need to ask people if they’re okay once in a while, you know? I know you must be capable of handling yourself, Virgil. But… you do keep to yourself very often. I thought all the cast and crew were your friends, right?”

“Yeah,” Virgil said, still hostile but at least his shoulders dropped a little.

Roman got the overwhelming urge to wrap him up into a hug but he had a feeling Virgil might not appreciate it and the distance between them at the moment and Virgil’s seating position made it impossible.

“They’re really cool people. I don’t know if I’ve met a bunch of people that are lovelier, you know.”

“Can I ask you a question?” Virgil asked out of the blue and it took Roman a couple of seconds to catch up and process his question.

“Of course, I’d be happy to answer any question you have. I… I want to be your friend too.”

And Virgil’s shoulder went up again. Roman did really have a tendency to put his foot in his mouth when speaking with Virgil. He spoke so flawlessly with almost everyone else so why did he have to develop a crush and fascination with the only person who didn’t instantly like him? It was some kind of self-inflicted torture but moments like this Roman couldn’t help but wonder if maybe things would change between them.

If they were allowed the time, maybe Virgil’s guard would finally start to drop and he would tell Roman why he didn’t like him.

“What do you think of Andrew?”

Roman had not expected that question. From the way that Virgil was wringing his hands, Roman had thought it would be a personal question rather than one about a character in the musical.

Yet, the discussion about Andrew’s character had been a big point of conflict for them and Roman was going to try his best to mend it now that he had the chance.

“I think he is going through a lot of changes and he’s struggling to adapt to moving from high school to university. He doesn’t know how to find new friends and he just starts to experience a lot of internal struggles, which causes him to do stupid things, like trust someone like Dylan and push away his childhood best friend. However, I do admire that he is able to pull himself out of it and break the destructive and toxic pattern, even if he needs his friends to be able to do so.”

Roman was rather happy with that explanation but Virgil did not look pleased. He didn’t look angry like Roman had gotten used to. He actually looked a little sad and maybe hurt. Roman wasn’t following at all.

“I’m glad you don’t think he’s an asshole anymore, Roman. But… you’re only going about him surface level. You’re glossing over how difficult it was to break that pattern and you speak as if it’s a weakness to have to depend on friends to do it. Like he should have been able to be the grand hero and do it all by himself.”

It was the most Virgil might have ever spoken to him coherently and it sent Roman’s mind spinning. He still hadn’t figured out Andrew? And he felt very called out by the last bit. Roman had grown up reading stories of grand heroes who did every single thing themselves. A one man army who could defeat any villain. It was so ingrained into him but he hadn’t realized how much it might paint his view of the world until it was pointed out to him.

He didn’t think needing friends were a weakness objectively. He knew people in real life couldn’t do everything themselves but since Andrew was a fictional character, Roman might have held him a bit to the standards of his old childhood heroes from stories.

He wanted Andrew to be able to do everything himself but Virgil was right that the story in the musical wasn’t about that. Maybe it was even trying to make the opposite point.

That you shouldn’t be expected to do everything yourself and that it was okay and even advisable to seek and accept help when you were struggling.

Roman opened his mouth to voice his realization but he could see that Virgil was done talking to him. He was closed off again and staring down at his notebook.

“We’re okay, Roman,” Virgil said, never taking his eyes off the book. “It’s fine.”

Roman wanted to argue but he heard Joan call his name. It must be time for his scene already. He didn’t know what to say to Virgil without making things worse, so he just turned around and left to go back to work.

He would have another chance to talk to Virgil, even if he might have to seek him out again to catch him. Virgil at least hadn’t insulted him this time around. It was progress, right? But clearly Roman still had a lot of progress to make himself.

As usual, he was one of the last people on set and he was surprised when Dominic came up to him. Roman knew he had been working hard to get the costumes ready and perfect to the quickly approaching premiere night.

“I found this on the table in the dressing room. It’s addressed to you,” Dominic said and handed Roman a big and quite thick letter the size of an A4 paper.

Roman’s name was written across in Logan’s neat handwriting and he might have ripped the envelope a little when he tore it open.

The first stack of papers contained another person’s handwriting and this was much more like a scrawl compared to Logan’s neat letters.

 

_It has come to my attention that you wished to see my original collection of poetry in preparation for your role as Andrew. Here you will find the ten poems that were adapted into ten out of the twelve songs. Logan said you requested to learn more about Andrew’s motivation, so additionally I have copied a few of my journal entries, which are for your eyes only._

_\- The mystery author_

 

It was so formally worded and it felt slightly tilted compared to the writing of the song lyrics. Roman flipped through the stack of papers and it was photocopies of the same handwriting. It was the poems where he could recognize a lot of the words and then the longer journal entries.

Roman finally had the original poems after all the fuss he made about getting them but he had also gotten something he hadn’t expected: personal journal entries. Andrew was built on the poet’s real experiences then. He had to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear at some point I'll be able to make my usual upload time. But here we have this chapter and song-wise (because the chapters share the names with the songs sung throughout the musical in case you hadn't noticed), we have now moved into Act 2. I wholeheartedly stand by the message in this song, even if it's something very hard to do and it can't really be summed up in just a song. Also, finally Roman and Virgil are talking again but it still isn't quite smooth sailing with those two. Roman finally has his hands on the orignial poems and some journal entries by our mystery author but is he ready for a look into Andrew's mind? We'll see next week.
> 
> Next update will be on Sunday the 30th of September (how is September ending already?) and as usual I'll aim to have it up around 8 PM CET.


	9. Spiral of Confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman finally had his hands on the original poetry but once he started reading, he realised that he might not have been prepared to peak into the author's mind. He gets more than he bargained for and once he arrives at rehearsals the following day, he learns that a critic will come by to see their progress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Song No. 8** \- _Spiral of Confusion_ \- Sung by Andrew (with all other cast as backup)

Roman finally had the original poems in hand and it was only then that he realized that he might have built them up a bit too much.

They were very similar to the song lyrics; several lines stripped right out of the poems. Only, some of the darker passages were left out.

 

_would it be better if i just disappeared?_

_why would the world even care?_

_he’s a bright sun and i’m the looming moon_

_he lights me up while i shadow him return_

_the moon is praised for its mystery and beauty_

_the sun shines so bright that you cannot even look_

_still, a day in the sun would beat the dark gloomy night_

_and the sun is even responsible for the moonlight_

 

_eye of a hurricane_

_all i feel is pain_

_wind whips around_

_just another meltdown_

 

As Roman read through several of the poems and saw the hopeless lines dotted throughout the ones that made it into the songs, he felt a sense of deep worry. When he had first read the songs from Act 1 he had felt like Andrew was just gloom and doom but clearly it wasn’t even everything that had made it into the lyrics and the musical.

It cut even deeper than what was showed outwardly to the world.

Roman had thought that the poems had been published in a collection or something. He hadn’t expected them to be handwritten and hidden. Many of the early ones were so hopeless, even more hopeless than the song equivalents made them out to be. Even if he was sitting with a photocopy of the pages and not the original ones, he could see how indents had been made in the page. He could see water stains along the margin and some had even hit the words and made them appear smeared.

Tears.

It made Roman’s throat feel tight and he felt like he unlocked a new understanding of Andrew. He had already found out that there was more to him that met the surface but this was something else entirely. This was hopelessness and if any of Roman’s friends had written something like this he would have wanted to make sure to reach out.

He would be worried that they might try to end their life.

If you truly felt _all i see is darkness; where others see sparkles; dark matter in my lungs; words die on my tongue_ then you deep down. Roman had purposely tried to stay away from stuff like that when he saw it online.

He never knew what to say or do. Sometimes, he had typed out a reply only to delete it all over again. He was worried that he was being insensitive and he didn’t want to push someone over the edge? But what if silence was also the wrong thing?

Roman felt a headache crawl up his spine as he shifted through the pages and ran his eyes over them. Many of the words were smeared, with dirt or tears and some pages bore distinct creases like they had been ripped out of a book and then crumbled into a tight ball only to be unfolded and copied later.

It made Roman’s imagination run wild and he pictured the real person behind Andrew, huge dark hoodie hiding his face like Roman’s costume, sitting pressing down words onto paper and then violently ripping them out and crumbling them together while tears ran down their cheeks.

Breathing stuttered.

Both the image in Roman’s mind and his own. He only made it through about half the poems before he had to put them aside. He hoped that some of the later ones would reflect the more hopeful lyrics of the songs from Act 2 but he couldn’t make himself read another cold or hurtful word.

The real Andrew seemed to hate himself and it broke Roman’s heart. He wanted to wrap the person up into a hug and not let go until their breathing even out. In his head, the struggling and crying image of Andrew was greeted with a representation of himself, reaching out his hand.

But imaginary Andrew just turned around and ran away.

Roman knew from the lyrics and the dialogue that Andrew has big issues accepting help. His first instincts were always to turn around and run away or insist that he didn’t need anyone’s help, usually followed by swears.

Numerous swear words were dotted around the margin, sometimes in capital letters. It looked like a pencil tip had broken on numerous of the pages.

Roman wasn’t sure if he knew what he had gotten himself into by asking to get another glimpse into Andrew’s head. Even so, he couldn’t bring himself to regret it.

It was horrible to read this but it was also eye-opening.

Musical Andrew had been polished and while his story and suffering was showcased and keep serious, it wasn’t the real story. It had a flair of fiction sprinkled across it.

It was streamlined and prepared for an audience to consume within two hours.

Roman cautiously eyed the journal entries but he didn’t dare to pick them up so close to his bedtime. He would have rehearsals again tomorrow and he couldn’t afford to stay up all night. He needed his beauty sleep and he already felt disturbed by the poems that he had read.

He pulled up The Office and watched a couple of his favorite episodes. He tried to focus on the jokes he had heard at least three times but his mind kept drifting off to the author of the poems.

Would Roman ever get a chance to meet them? They should show up at the premiere night, right? Then again, he wasn’t so sure about that. As far as Roman knew, the author hadn’t been near the production at all.

If it was Roman’s story, he would have been all over it and he would have come to rehearsals every day, he would have insisted on sitting in on auditions and he would have insisted to have creative control.

However, Roman could see how it would be difficult to do that when it was such a dark and personal story. It must be scary to step up and claim and embrace the struggles you went through.

Despite his best efforts, Roman had a restless night. His dreams were filled with the same phantom image of Andrew, crying, shouting and swearing at the world in despair. Roman would have hated a character like him at first and he had when he had read the limited part of the script in the beginning. But now he felt an overwhelming sympathy towards the guy and he just wanted to make him feel better.

He was dead on his feet when he arrived at Old Timber. He was later than usual as well and it was odd to arrive to a busy dressing room instead of just being completely alone and watching Virgil’s old bag pack tossed in the corner.

When he was in the bathroom, he noticed the dark circles under his eyes and he silently cursed his night of tossing and turning. He needed to rest properly to look presentable. He found his travel concealer and it helped brighten up his appearance a bit but it still wasn’t ideal. Most days they didn’t bother with stage make-up for the rehearsals and today was one of those days. Occasionally, they would be called in to make-up, just so Dahlia could test out products on them and figure out what worked best.

It would have been better if it were a make-up on day because then Roman would get dark eye shadow smeared around and under his eyes. It would give him a tired and hopeless look that he felt like he was sporting all on his own right now.

So it wasn’t a disaster but the fatigue and too frequent yawns were less than ideal.

“You okay there, man?” Jo asked him when he emerged from the bathroom.

“I’m good but I didn’t sleep that well,” Roman confessed but then he straightened his back and stood poised with confidence and energy that he didn’t feel he had. He was an actor after all. “But it will not matter. Rehearsals will be epic!”

“You’re right about that,” Jo said with a smile and did up his boots. Her outfit was so cool and again Roman felt a little pinch of envy that Andrew’s wardrobe was fairly bland. “You know we have a critic stopping by today, right?”

Roman physically felt his face pale.

“No? What do you mean? Why is this the first I’m hearing of it?” Roman asked, his voice rising and becoming more and more high-pitched.

“Easy, dude. He does it for every Old Timber production. It’s not a big deal.”

It felt like a big deal. “Why is he seeing our rehearsals? It isn’t even the preview night. We haven’t polished everything yet!”

“He likes to get an early look at things. How they have progressed, you know? His audience likes it.”

Roman left Jo with a nod and then stormed off to find Logan or Thomas or Joan or someone who could explain how no one had told him about this! He probably couldn’t have predicted that reading the poems would have gone so far to influence his sleeping schedule but it was the worst timing. He wasn’t in a good headspace and now he would have to perform for a critic with no warning?

He told himself that it would be okay. He was a brilliant performer. All his cast mates said so. He did a wonderful job as Andrew and he understood him even better now but usually he had time to prepare and he didn’t appreciate things being sprung on him like this.

He couldn’t find any of the people he actually wanted to talk to, who might have answers as to this horrible planning and lack of forewarning but he did spot Patton and Virgil chatting backstage and he figured they might be his best bet.

“Patton!” Roman called and ran up to the two of them. It seemed like he accidentally interrupted them if Virgil’s glare was any indication. “Oh, sorry.”

“Hi Roman,” Patton said, a stark contrast in mood to Virgil. “What can I do for you?”

His voice was light and teasing and he even reached out to bop Roman’s nose and instantly all the fight and worry drained out of Roman and he just gaped at Patton. Virgil snickered behind his hand but Roman still caught it.

At least laughing was better than glaring, right?

“Err… Hi Patton. Do you know where Logan or our directors are?”

“I believe they are in a meeting,” Patton said, still smiling brightly. “Why?”

“I just heard that some critic or something is coming to see the-“

“What?” Virgil asked and now he was glaring again but this time it was pointed at Patton. It only lasted about a second because it seemed even Virgil couldn’t glare long at Patton but Roman was still surprised that he got to witness the infamous Virgil glare directed at someone else, not matter how briefly.

“You know Remy always checks out the plays and musicals,” Patton said and reached over to put a hand on Virgil’s shoulder. Roman noted with fascination how the touch seemed to calm and ground Virgil.

Roman knew that if he had attempted it, Virgil might have bit his hand and he felt the old urge of wanting to win over Virgil claim his focus again.

“Remy?” Roman asked gaping. He wasn’t sure if Jo hadn’t mentioned a name or Roman just had been too caught up to hear it. “ _The_ Remy?”

He knew about him. He was the editor of a niche but well-known within the industry magazine. He had initially started doing reviews of musicals and plays online and his writing style and approach to describing the workings behind the scene had gained him quite the following.

Roman had never met him before but he had read his stuff quite a lot. Whenever he earns to be backstage and working on productions after another failed audition, he had tended to look up Remy’s articles.

It made him feel like he was almost there.

Now he felt nervous all over again. This wasn’t ideal at all.

But why was Virgil so upset about that?

He was practically growling.

“I feel like my ears are burning,” a voice called and Roman whipped around to see one other than the Remy. Roman wasn’t even sure if he had a last name. He was one of those people that gained his fame with just the one name.

Roman wasn’t jealous at all.

“Remy!” Patton shouted happily and pulled the critic into a huge hug.

At this point, Roman had stopped questioning whether Patton knew someone beforehand or if it was his first time meeting them. He always seemed to greet them with big hugs regardless. He was very big on hugs and he offered them to everyone all day.

It was a very nice thing.

Roman had gotten used to it and he knew he would miss Patton’s hugs deeply whenever their ways would part in the future again. It made him feel loved and Roman suddenly realized that too many friendships didn’t include enough hugs for his taste.

While Patton looked ecstatic to see Remy, Virgil looked like a cornered animal. He wasn’t hissing like when he had first met Roman but he looked about ready to scratch out Remy’s eyes if he had the chance.

“It’s good to see you, padre!” Remy said and Patton finally stepped back and released him from his hold.

Remy looked effortlessly cool. He had sunglasses hanging on the top of his nose, a sick leather jacket around his shoulders, a half-empty Starbucks in his hands and cool hair. He had an air of nonchalance around him and while looking at him, Roman felt like this wasn’t a guy that worried about anything. He looked like someone who just went with the flow.

“Hi Virge,” Remy said and that surprised Roman even more.

It was the nickname that some of the casts used at times. Did the two of them know each other?

“Remy,” Virgil hissed out and he made no move to greet the man he seemingly knew with a hug. “What a pleasant surprise.”

“You know,” Remy said and tipped his sunglasses down a bit to better look at Virgil, “you don’t have to say that like you hate me. I’m honored to be here.”

“Right,” Virgil said tightlipped.

“We are very happy to have you,” Patton exclaimed and broke the tension and what looked like a possible staring contest between Remy and Virgil. “Oh, and this is Roman Prince. He’s our lead.”

Upon hearing his name, Roman snapped out of his speculation about Virgil and Remy and admiring the latter’s outfit. He pulled on his brightest smile and reached out a hand.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Roman said. “I love your pieces.”

“Oh, a fan! How neat. I don’t think I’ve ever covered anything with you?”

“No, I imagine you wouldn’t have,” Roman admitted, sourly. It wasn’t like he had the grand career behind him, even if he had tried hard to make it happen. But things would change after this role. Andrew was going to change his life. He was sure of it.

“I look forward to seeing you in action then. Now Patton dear, where’s that frowning fiancé of yours? He made me promise to come and check in with him when I arrived.”

“I’ll take you to him. Follow me,” Patton said and he was still one big smile.

The two of them walked off and both Roman and Virgil turned around and just stared at the two of them. It was a bizarre experience.

Virgil let out a huff that seemed crossed between a sigh and a growl.

“You don’t like him, I take it?” Roman dared to ask.

Virgil didn’t seem like he would answer. He let the question hang in the air for a while but then he let out a proper sigh and answered.

“No.”

It wasn’t much of an answer but it was conversation and Roman had learned to take what he could get with Virgil.

“You know each other. Don’t you, Virge?”

This time it didn’t take even a full second before he answered.

“Don’t call me that,” Virgil snapped. “My friends call me that and no, before you ask, we’re not friends. We’re acquaintances at best, barely coworkers.”

Roman couldn’t keep the hurt look of his face and when Virgil saw it, he flinched.

“I’m just trying-“

“I know,” Virgil said. “I… Remy and I go way back. We used to be tight but since then we’ve butted heads for a long time. He’s a character and he doesn’t like me.”

“He looked pretty friendly,” Roman noted.

“Keep it in your pants,” Virgil said. “He’s got enough hype without you jumping on it as well. Sorry… tough day. I didn’t know he would be stopping by today. I know he has an agreement with Logan about productions here at Old Timber but I just… I didn’t think he’d… not without asking me… I… Whatever.”

Roman couldn’t understand what Virgil had been trying to say at all and he wanted to press on but he wasn’t sure if that would be a good idea. Whenever he did try to push Virgil, he always received a massive shove back and it usually knocked him on his ass.

“Hmm. I didn’t know he was stopping by if it makes you feel better,” Roman said, trying to keep the conversation going without intruding.

Virgil hummed. “So… I heard that you finally got your hands on those original poems…”

How had Virgil heard that? Maybe Logan had told him.

“Do you have them as well?” Roman asked surprised.

It had been a massive task for him to get his hands on them and he would have been a little offended if a techie had had them while the lead actor had been denied them for weeks.

Virgil shrugged. “I wasn’t given them but I just know they exist and you seemed very keen on reading them, so… did they help?”

Roman wasn’t sure how to reply to that. He didn’t want to push Virgil away, not when he was finally the one initiating conversation but he wasn’t sure if he could confess how deeply disturbed and worried he had been upon reading the original poetry. Then there was also the fact that that the author had said that they were for Roman’s eyes only.

Roman might not know the person but he knew that they had gone through a lot of struggles and allowing Roman to read that had been a big sign of trust and Roman didn’t want to dishonor it, even if he doubted that it would ever get back to the author that he had told Virgil. Virgil didn’t seem like the type to gossip at all.

“I think so,” Roman answered cautiously. “I haven’t made it through all of them yet. They… they weren’t what I expected?”

“How?” Virgil asked and he sounded defensive and he was frowning again, now in an almost accusatory manner. Roman reminded himself that Virgil also had that weird thing about being overly sensitive about Andrew, which most of people on the production shared.

Roman could try to spin things but his head was pounding a little and he was tired. Besides, blunt honesty might be the right approach anyway.

“Like I said I haven’t read everything but there’s some dark shit in there. I thought that the poems had been published, you know? Which was why was I so frustrated that they couldn’t just give me a name and then I could go out and by the book myself or something. But… it’s handwritten notes and I had a sense of Andrew being a real person, because he’s written with such depth, but it’s different assuming and then knowing for sure, you know?”

Virgil nodded. “Yeah.”

“Almost every single day, I’ve learned something new about Andrew that makes me see him in a different light. I thought I had a pretty good idea in the beginning when I pegged him as a bit of an asshole. But I couldn’t have been more wrong. Then I got the song lyrics and I thought I had figured him out, but then came the second Act and turned me on my head again and now these poems reveal something more. I was completely wrong about him in the beginning and it was wrong of me to judge him so superficially.”

Roman felt like he was rambling but Virgil was listening to him carefully and he wasn’t frowning or glaring.

“How do you feel about him now?”

“I don’t feel qualified to answer that yet. Not before I read the rest and… you don’t know this if anyone asks, but I’ve gotten some journal entries as well. I haven’t worked up the courage to read them yet but I will and I think, at least I hope, those will be able to slot the last pieces of Andrew into place.”

Virgil hummed but he didn’t say anything. Before Roman could say something again, he was called to the stage.

“I’ll see you around?” he asked as he turned around toward Virgil before jetting off.

“Sure,” Virgil said and Roman felt like he might be projecting but he could swear that the corner of Virgil’s mouth tilted up in what could have become a smile.

It was a bit nerve-wracking to see Remy sat front row while the Roman and his fellow actors ran through a few of the scenes. Roman felt distracted and he misspoke a line or two. He always corrected himself but the mistake was made and he couldn’t rewind time to undo it.

As the day moved on, Joan and Thomas decided that they would close off rehearsals with one of the songs. It was Spiral of Confusion and it was one of Roman’s solos but it was one of the least rehearsed ones, so Roman suddenly felt a bit anxious about performing it.

Furthermore, they would test it out with the lighting and the other actors who would be on stage with him.

It was a solo but every single other cast member would be on stage with him. Sam, Fiona, Morgan, Lena and the college friends would be on one side of the stage, calling out to him, while Dylan would be opposite them.

However, Dylan would be screaming from the top of his lungs and the pull Andrew would experience would feel almost equal even if one side had far more people.

Dylan was a loud and insistent presence. He didn’t back down for anything and once he got his clutches in someone he wouldn’t just let go.

Roman adorned the skin jacket and prepared himself. He had read the poem that this song was based on and he had felt just how lost and desperately confused and torn Andrew had felt.

He had felt like he had been ripped in half. He was fighting against himself – his good and his bad side, even if it was envisioned with the people in his life.

He knew that he was on a bad path whenever he thought about it but that didn’t mean that it was easy to change his path. It was difficult as hell.

The song would come after Morgan and Lena had sought him out to talk to him. That first scene with Terrence and Valerie was a blast to act out because of the different dynamic, Morgan trying so hard to befriend Andrew and Lena being much more reserved in her approach but warm nonetheless.

It had confused Andrew fundamentally and at first he had thought that Sam had sent the two of them. When he found out that they didn’t know Sam at all and that they just wanted to be his friends, he hadn’t known what to do with himself and he had just run off.

He didn’t feel like he deserved friendship offers like that. He thought that he deserved someone like Dylan who ordered him around but the more he thought about it the more he could see that Dylan was being verbally abusive and that things might escalate even further in the future.

But Dylan was an expert liar and he knew how to spin things to his advantage. Andrew didn’t know how to combat that.

“Are we ready, guys?” Joan asked and everyone nodded. “Lights, camera, action!”

“We’re not on a movie set, Joan,” Thomas said fondly but he was chuckling.

“You know the drill,” Joan just continued. “Let’s blow this one out of the park.”

“Not a baseball game either,” Thomas said.

“You’re no fun,” Joan said but there was laughter in their voice. “Roman, just start will you?”

Roman cleared his throat and breathed deeply.

 

_I don’t understand this at all_

_I don’t know whom I should call_

_I don’t make friends like those two_

_I don’t know if I can trust it to be true_

_I don’t know how to do this anymore_

_I don’t know what to look for_

_I don’t deserve their kindness_

_I don’t want Dylan to call me spineless_

 

At his left, the friends and family were stepping out, harmonizing in light voices and calling out for him. Roman span around to face them and he took a few trying steps towards them but he didn’t make it further before Jo as Dylan came running out onto the stage.

Dylan wasn’t quiet. He was shouting all the lies he had already been whispering into Andrew’s ears and Roman let his steps halt and he spun back around to face Dylan.

 

_I know it should be an easy choice_

_But I can hear him in my own voice_

_He whisper the things I have always thought_

_He reaffirms me and I feel caught_

_I’m not a ray of sunshine like them_

_I refuse to let them see what I’ve become_

_I’ve broken hearts and I can’t go back_

_Another push and that’s a panic attack_

_I’m like the eye of a hurricane_

_I don’t want to bring them that pain_

 

The song continued and Roman kept stepping back and worth between the two poles calling out to him. Whenever he got close to either side, the other would intensify. As the final notes of the sang rang out, Roman let himself let out a frustrated scream while his hands pulled at his hair and his breathing became ragged.

His knees shook beneath him for real and it was all he could do not to let himself actually collapse onto the floor. He managed to right himself up, turn around and away from the audience and run off stage without running toward either of the sides.

But this was still Andrew’s tipping point. He was finally acknowledging that he needed to make a decision even it scared the hell out of him. He would have to do it.

Roman came back out on stage and he was one big smile. He felt proud of himself, even if he knew it hadn’t been his best day. He looked out to the audience and he caught the eye of Remy and he just froze.

Remy had looked skeptic upon meeting him but it was nothing against the glance in his eyes now. He looked disappointed and Roman felt the gaze like it was a knife aimed right at his heart.

Roman had a feeling that glance couldn’t mean anything good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh! I'm off to watch Thomas' livestream, but I hope you liked this chapter! We'll get to see some of the journal entries soon as well but I hope you liked this look at some elements of the poetry and what did you think of Remy? I just had to include him, even if he isn't an official character in the Sanders Sides universe. As always, feedback is highly appreciated. 
> 
> Next update will be Sunday the 7th of October and I'll try for 8 PM CET but as you might have noticed, I'm always a little late, so sorry about that.


	10. You aren't the bad guy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman was nervous about what Remy had thought about his performance and it was bringing out insecurities that he would much rather have preferred to never see the light of day. However, in his low he finds help form the most unlikely source.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Song No. 9** \- _You aren't the bad guy_ \- Sung by Morgan, Lena and Sam (with recorded whispers from Andrew and Dylan)

Roman had tried to pull Remy aside to talk to him after the performance but the sunglasses-clad critic had been too busy being surrounded by people who wanted to talk to him.

Remy had carelessly let his tablet lay on his seat and Roman had noticed how he had been typing on it several times through the rehearsal. It made sense when he was writing a piece on the musical but Roman’s curiosity was absolutely killing him.

He needed to know what Remy had written about him. He felt it like an urge in his bones. It took all of his self-control not to snatch up the tablet and attempt to have a peek. It would probably be password protected though and that was the only thought that made Roman keep his hands to himself.

It wasn’t something he tried to think about a lot but he knew he cared too much about how other people saw him. He was always trying to be the center of attention and keep people’s eyes and focus on him.

He liked the spotlight. He thrived in it.

But it wasn’t enough just to be in the light. He needed the applause and the eyes on him or it wasn’t real enough for him. He wanted to impact people with his life and his art but in a good way. When they were watching in the crowd, he wanted to impact them.

Remy had looked at him as if he had done something badly.

Later that day when he went home, he had been so distracted that he hadn’t even managed to read more in the photocopied pages from the notebook from the original author. He had been meaning to get around to it but he didn’t feel like it would be a good idea for him to read more sad and hurtful words in his current state.

He might take them too much to heart instead of letting them merely hit his usual tough amour and be repelled like usual.

It was difficult to get into the mindset of his character without becoming more vulnerable. Roman had always wanted so desperately to be able to portray characters in a believable way. He wanted to sympathize with their struggles and share their joys.

But he hadn’t quite considered that a character might start to affect his head like Andrew had been doing lately.

It was like he was a real person and sometimes, Roman could almost feel how Andrew would have reacted to different situations. He felt more and more melted to his character, so he had started making it more and more obvious when he was in character and when he was himself.

When he was himself it meant that he had his amour and he was always smiling and radiating confidence.

Or that was the image he liked to portray outwards. He was sure people liked when he amplified those character traits and let his lesser ones hide in the shadows.

But after Remy’s expression he wasn’t sure what to think anymore.

He arrived early as usual at Old Timber and instead of going around and checking the set or running over his lines again, he went straight for Logan’s office and waited for the dramaturg to arrive.

Roman could count on Logan arriving on the dot and today was no surprise.

Logan was, however, surprised to find Roman at his office door.

“Greetings, Roman.”

“Morning, Logan.”

“It is indeed.”

“I meant good morning, and you know it, dork,” Roman said with a roll of his eyes.

Logan wasn’t the best with contemporary slang words, which Roman had enjoyed teasing him about immensely, but in turn Logan had then started to wind Roman up by being even more deadpan that he really was. It was endearing and Roman liked it more than he would admit.

“What can I do for you?” Logan asked and unlocked his office.

“I’d like to get into contact with Remy.”

“Why?”

“Can’t you just give his contact information?” Roman asked and tried to use his puppy dog eyes. He didn’t really want to have to explain the circumstances to Logan unless he was forced to do so.

“If you give me a valid reason, then perhaps. So I will ask you again, why do you want Remy’s contact information?” Logan asked and he looked utterly unaffected by the puppy eyes, which wasn’t fair in the slightest.

Roman had seen Logan give into _Patton’s_ puppy dog eyes before and Roman was at least as cute. Though, he did have to respect that Patton had a special and very unique ability to make his fiancé react that no one else could match.

“He’s coming back for the final complete run-through for the test audience, right?” Roman asked nervously.

“Yes,” Logan confirmed. “He will be stopping by on Friday for it. He is writing a piece to be released on Saturday morning before the premiere in the evening. Why are you enquiring about it?”

“I just need to see his notes,” Roman said shyly and then he worked up the courage to confess the reason. “Because… I think he hated my performance and if I’m right then I’d like to get a chance to improve before we start performing in front of crowds.”

Logan took an uncharacteristically kind expression but Roman recoiled a little. He didn’t want pity.

“I see. Roman, I can assure you that all of us have faith that you will do well. In the process of creating the musical, which I was even more involved in than usual, our biggest worry was being able to cast someone as Andrew. You have stepped up to fill some very big expectations and you have done a good job so far.”

Roman’s throat felt tight and he didn’t even know how to respond, so Logan just continued.

“However, I do recognize your worries. I am not good at spotting acting mistakes, so I will be unable to make an acute judgment of your abilities. Frankly, the whole practice confused me immensely when I first took this job. I do not have Remy’s notes but I do know that Thomas insisted on receiving them to help with directing during the final couple of days of rehearsals. You can go to ask him.”

Roman nodded and he felt like he had gotten a bit of whiplash from how Logan moved back and forth between expressions. But he had given him a genuine, and dare he think, heartfelt compliment and it left Roman buzzing as he left Logan’s office. The fact that he had then taken it back a bit didn’t even deter Roman.

Thomas hadn’t arrived yet but Roman did managed to find Joan and struck up small talk with them. It was so nice that he was able to talk to both of the directors so casually and he really liked both of them.

“Were you looking for Thomas?” Joan asked when they noticed how Roman’s eyes scanned the room for a beat when there was a lull in conversation.

“Yeah, I’d like to talk to him about getting a look at Remy’s notes. Logan said that he would have them. I’m not sure why or how but-“

“They’re old friends,” Joan explained.

Roman frowned. “Old friends?”

“Yeah, they’ve known each other for a long time, even if they do have periods where they do not get along at all. Thomas has always been great at making friends with anyone and everyone. He just has an approachable face and he’s so genuinely nice that you just want to be around him at all times.”

“I can see that,” Roman confirmed. He hadn’t really considered it much but it was true the Thomas seemed to be friends with every single member working on the production, most even beforehand. It was almost like he was the glue holding the whole group together when they first started rehearsals and he had been introducing people to each other.

Roman had certainly felt like he had become a fast friend of Thomas’.

“My ears are burning,” Thomas announced when he walked up and he shot a smile at Joan.

“That’s because we were talking of the sun,” Joan said back, easily matching Thomas teasing tone. The two of them were an odd duo but Roman wouldn’t have wanted anyone else as directors. They brought out the best in each other and they worked very well together.

“Hi Roman, can I help you?” Thomas said after he had first hugged Joan and then Roman.

Thomas gave great hugs.

“I was wondering if you had Remy’s notes from yesterday?”

“I do,” Thomas replied but he looked confused. “Why do you ask? They’re nowhere near finished. It’s just Remy’s first impressions of everything. The final piece will likely look a lot different and he’s coming back in a couple of days to see the final test run-through.”

Roman suddenly felt a little embarrassed and Joan seemed to notice because they excused themselves and walked away to give him privacy. It seemed to baffle Thomas even more.

“I just wanted to see his impression of me,” Roman confessed in a low voice. “To get a sense of how I’m appearing to the audience, you know?”

Thomas’ face literally fell at the mention and now Roman seriously needed to take a look at those notes.

“Roman, it’ll be changed-“ Thomas started to explain.

“Is it that bad?” Roman almost shouted, way too stunned to keep his volume at a normal level.

“No,” Thomas answered but he looked conflicted and like he might be lying to spare Roman’s feelings. “And as directors, it’s Joan’s and my job to make sure you perform how we would like you to. We’ve been instructing you and I’ve been very impressed with your performance so far.”

Roman could sense that Thomas purposely didn’t finish his thoughts. He merely let the so far hanging in the air unspoken. Oh God, something was wrong. Something that everyone was seeing and that Roman were completely blind to. This would not stand.

He wasn’t above begging to see the notes to put himself out of his curiosity hell. He was just about to dramatically get onto his knees when Thomas’ expression softened and he dug out some papers from his shoulder bag.

“I can see that you won’t drop this, Roman, so I’ll give them to you,” Thomas said and held out the papers that Roman tried to snatch up but Thomas pulled them back before he could get a proper grip. “On the condition that you come and talk to me if you’re nervous or worried about these notes. Don’t internalize it. And remember, that this is just Remy’s first impression and it’ll likely change by the time he sees the whole musical played out on Friday, okay?”

Thomas was trying to reassure him but it was having the opposite effect. Roman felt frazzled and off-footed in the worst way.

It might just be a first impression but sometimes you didn’t get a second chance to make an impression and you would forever be stuck in that initial reaction and what people thought of you. Roman had thought that he always made great first impressions on people.

He was happy and friendly and always smiling at people. He wanted to be liked and so he did all he could to make people like him right off the bat. He wasn’t sure what had gone so wrong with Remy but he needed to know how to fix it or the same thing might happen with the audience and Roman couldn’t allow that.

“I promise,” Roman said so Thomas would hand over the freaking pages.

He snatched them up as soon as they were within his grasp. He flashed a smile at Thomas, one that he hoped wouldn’t come off as too nervous and then he ran off to one of the secluded places backstage.

The pages felt heavy in his hands; even if couldn’t be more than three or four of them. He looked at the top and read the first proper paragraph.

 

_Impact potential:_

_This musical is a journey of overcoming your bad brain and recognizing that it is telling you lies; learning how to apologize to the people in your life; cutting toxic people out of your life; accepting your anxiety and working to manage it and surrounding yourself with positive people. The important messages are explored through the main character Andrew, who despite all of his flaws, or maybe because of them, will make you want to fight for and protect him._

 

Roman had never quite heard it explained like that before. It had never really been stated so explicitly as when Remy was trying to determine what impact this musical could have. Roman knew that it could have a big potential because of the great songs and the interesting characters but he hadn’t taken much time to consider the impact that the audience would leave with after the performance because of the topics discussed.

After all, he wasn’t sure that he could influence them after they stepped out of Old Timber but the more he considered it, the more foolish he felt for only thinking about influencing and impacting people while they were sitting in their seat.

A good piece of art lingered after all. It might inspire you to do something you wouldn’t otherwise have done. It might make you see something in a different light.

The musical tackled a lot of layers of real problems that many people struggled with and the entire thing would have to be carried by Roman through his lead as Andrew.

Remy went on about other elements but Roman flipped over the page until he had found what he had been looking for.

 

_Lead role:_

_Roman Prince is a newcomer to the theater world. He is flamboyant, exuberant and he falters the moment the spotlight diverges. The character of Andrew seems to be Prince’s polar opposite – a guy encased in self-loathing and doubt who lets it pull him astray. Prince demands attention in a way that is completely out of character for Andrew, who would rather remain in the shadows and shy away from attention. An **interesting** casting choice._

 

Roman’s throat felt tight as he read it. Interesting didn’t have to mean bad but the way it was worded made Roman feel like someone had punched him in the gut. Despite having been told by cast and crew multiple times that he was doing well as Andrew and they had been happy to find him to play the role, this one negative comment seemed to drown out all the positives.

It wasn’t even that negative and somehow that made it even worse.

It was critical but not cruel. It stated things that Roman already knew about himself and spun them in a way that made his personality traits seem like a bad thing.

As if he had so little in common with the main character that he couldn’t possibly portray him accurately. Roman wanted to shout or scoff that was why it was called _acting_ because you were acting like someone different than yourself.

But the fight died in him as he kept staring at the words.

Was he really demanding too much attention even when he was in character? Was he going against one of the fundamentals of Andrew’s character?

“Hey.”

The sound of a voice made Roman jump in place and he noticed how he had started to crumble the pages in his hand while he had been staring at them. He looked around for whoever had been speaking but he couldn’t see anyone and he suddenly started to wonder if it was true about those ghost stories always associated with old buildings.

“Up here.”

Now the voice clicked in Roman’s head, even before he looked up at the rafters to see Virgil staring down at him. He wasn’t even sure how the techie had gotten up there.

“Hi,” Roman said and he noted how he sounded almost breathless, so he loudly cleared his voice. He wasn’t sure it helped but at least it felt like a small measure of control.

Virgil was almost always wearing a slight frown but now the lines deepened in his face and he might even have looked a bit worried.

Roman was just about to ask him what he was doing up there, but before he had the chance, Virgil had grabbed onto a rope and jumped off the small platform. Roman’s heart jumped in his chest, scared that Virgil would get hurt but it quickly morphed into awe when he saw how effortlessly Virgil slid down the rope.

He was wearing gloves and he slid down and landed elegantly on his feet with just a small bump.

Roman was trying to pick his jaw up off the floor when Virgil caught his eyes and suddenly looked a little shy. Roman supposed that as a techie Virgil might be familiar with the backstage equipment but he had never seen anything quite like that.

And even without the profession, Virgil did strike Roman as someone who liked to climb on things and keep a high vantage point. He certainly didn’t like being cornered back when Roman had tried to use that strategy to talk to him. It had severely backfired.

“What are you reading?” Virgil asked and nodded towards the now completely crumbled pages in Roman’s hands. Thomas probably had an electronic copy of them but he still felt a little bad that he had messed them up so he tried to straighten out the pages.

“Nothing,” Roman said with his hands still trying to even out the creases.

“It’s Remy’s notes, isn’t it?”

Roman’s head snapped up to catch Virgil’s eyes in surprise.

“How do you know?”

A smile tugged in the corner of Virgil’s lips. “I would like to say that it was just a good guess but truth is that you were mumbling under your breath as you read and I pieced it together from that.”

Shame and embarrassment washed over Roman. It had been a bad habit from when he was a child and learning to read and it had taken him a long time to kick the habit. He thought he had done so completely but apparently it could return when he was distracted.

“You heard that?” Roman asked and he felt a little panicked.

“Not all of it,” Virgil said with a slight eyebrow raise. “Roman, breathe…”

Roman hadn’t even noticed that his breathing had become labored but he did now and he consciously took deep breath. It forced him to focus for a beat but it didn’t stop his thoughts.

A renowned critic thought that he was the wrong choice for the lead and in less than a week he would be performing and what if everyone in the audience thought the same thing?

And why did Virgil have to find him? He probably agreed with Remy’s assessment of him as Andrew. He had been quite clear that he hadn’t liked Roman when they first met and now he was just standing there and looking at him. Roman didn’t know how to respond.

“Do you want to be alone or should I go get someone?” Virgil asked carefully and the frown was gone from his face completely as his eyes were scanning Roman.

Now he was being nice. Virgil! Roman knew he must really look bad if Virgil was speaking to him like that. He straightened up a bit, took another breath all the way into his stomach and he plastered on his usually smile.

“I am fine,” Roman said and even dramatically moved his hands into a pose. “Worry not.”

“Why do you always do that?” Virgil asked and Roman’s arms dropped.

“Do what?” Roman said and felt a little hot under the collar with Virgil’s analytical eyes on him.

In the beginning, he had wanted nothing more than for Virgil to look at him and pay attention to him but right now he was getting more than he bargained for because Virgil wasn’t just looking at him. He was looking past his defenses and Roman didn’t know how to react to that.

“Smile and act like nothing is wrong when you’re clearly upset,” Virgil explained but then a different expression crossed Virgil’s face and he looked almost scared. He even took a couple of steps back and put more distance between them. “Sorry, it’s not my place.”

Virgil was turning around and he would walk away and Roman had a feeling that he would start avoiding him again if Roman didn’t do something right this moment.

“Wait!” he said a little too loudly and Virgil flinched but he stopped turning around like he was about to walk away. “I… I’m sorry. I just didn’t expect you to… I’m… I don’t know how to talk about this,” Roman said and then tried to clarify what he meant by waving the pages around.

“What about it?” Virgil asked carefully.

“It’s… bad,” Roman finally confessed. “Remy sounds like he thought that they made a mistake in casting me as Andrew. I know you think so as well. I guess that’s why I do it, to answer your other question about the whole putting on a smile. I don’t like feeling… _like this_. I hate it.”

“No one likes being insecure but we all feel it, Roman,” Virgil said, like it was a simple notion.

Somehow having the word actually said out loud made Roman deflate a bit and he felt how some on his put-on bravado disappeared as well.

“Yes, I suppose you’re right. I just thought… This is my big chance. I’ve been so excited to star in this musical and I’ve been working so hard to understand Andrew and be able to portray him accurately and now I feel like I’ve done a bad job. That I’m doing it all wrong.”

Virgil let out a little huff of air and then walked back the couple of steps that he had taken to create distance. “I can’t say anything for sure about Remy’s opinion. That guy and I do not get a long. We have a long history of feuding with us. But… you are good as Andrew, Roman. When you’re in character and speaking the words and singing the songs, I can see my- I can see the character they envisioned. It’s when you step out of character that’s the trouble. You’re nothing like Andrew and-”

“Thanks,” Roman said a little sourly and then he realized that he had interrupted Virgil and he shot him a little smile of apology.

Virgil shot him a glare but continued. “-and that’s a good thing. Andrew isn’t someone anyone should aspire to be. But you have a completely different energy when you’re in and out of character. It takes some time to get used to that rapid shift. When you’re just been Roman for a minute to talk to Joan or Thomas and then you turn around and act like Andrew, it feels weird. You still see Roman in Andrew a bit because of the rapid shifts. Remy saw the broken up rehearsals in bits. I… I believe it’ll be different watching from the audience when you’re just Andrew the whole time during the performance.”

Roman knew that this must be the most Virgil had ever spoken to him and he was so touched that he was compelled to step forward and pull Virgil into a hug if it wasn’t for the fact that he knew Virgil hardly ever let anyone express physical affection to him.

“That’s how you feel?” Roman asked carefully and he watched Virgil’s expression like a hawk.

“Yes,” Virgil said after a beat of hesitation. “I saw your audition and you were nothing like Andrew, even if I suppose the others saw potential in you. But… you’ve changed. You’re more… understanding of the role you’re playing now.”

“Couldn’t you just have come and talked to me?” Roman asked.

Suddenly, Virgil was pulling up his shoulders and stepping back with a very guarded expression on his face. “Why? I’m not important. I don’t have a say in any of this.”

Roman wanted to argue that Virgil’s opinion did matter deeply to him but he was so thrown off by Virgil’s reaction. He could already see that he was shutting him off now and the moment of talking openly had passed.

If he had been able to do it, Roman suspected that Virgil had wanted to climb back up the rope and disappear from Roman’s sight. Still, Roman couldn’t let this moment pass. They were getting somewhere now.

Virgil had been the one to seek him out for the first time and no matter if he might try to deny it, Roman knew that it had happened and it had to mean something. He couldn’t just let it slip through his fingers unacknowledged.

“Hey Virge,” Roman said, purposely using the name that he had heard the others call Virgil. It caused him to pause, back half turned away but he did turn his head to glance back at Roman. His expression was still guarded but it also reflected a new slight openness that Roman wasn’t sure he had seen before.

“Thank you for checking on me and for your reassuring words. You didn’t have to do that but I needed to hear them,” Roman said and he hoped that it came across as earnestly as he was intending.

Virgil toyed with the cuff on his hoodie a bit and he pulled his lower lip between his teeth in a moment of thought. Roman’s eyes might have zeroed in on the movement and it might have caused him to think about how it would be to feel those lips against his own. He quickly pushed the thought aside to focus on what Virgil was telling him.

“You’re welcome,” Virgil said, filling the sudden silence that had settled over them. “You’re not bad, Roman, and sometimes you need someone else to tell you that.”

With that closing remark, Virgil nodded and Roman still wanted to stop him, to keep talking but he knew he couldn’t force it. They had been alone in their little corner backstage but Roman could hear that other people were arriving as well and soon enough someone would walk in here and disturb them.

It was better that they let it settle on their own terms.

Roman walked back out and handed the pages over to Thomas with a small apology for the state of them.

“Are you okay?” Thomas asked and as opposed to Virgil, he did nothing to hide his obvious worry. “I told you that it’s just a first impression and that it’ll likely change.”

Roman nodded. “I’m okay. Virgil talked to me.”

“Virgil?” Thomas asked surprised.

“Yeah,” Roman confirmed but he could understand the surprise. He was the most surprised out of anyone.

“Well, good. Now are you ready to get up on stage? We want to run through _You’re not the bad guy_ , with you, Terrence, Lena and Leo. We want to test it out with the audio you and Jo recorded on the speakers.”

It was one of the songs that they hadn’t done that often, because a lot of different elements needed to be synched for it to work properly but Roman was excited. Despite it not being one of his solos, it was one of his favorite songs. Andrew was finally realizing that all the people around him did care about him and they did see him for who he was and rather than running away, they told him that they believed in him.

Roman grabbed the hoodie from the costume department and he walked out with Andrew’s mindset. He wanted to be invisible. He thought he deserved to only be friends with someone like Dylan who would put him in his place and echo some of the hurtful words that his own brain came up with.

He took his position at the edge of the stage, sitting on a bench by himself, hunched over and almost folding in on himself.

Then Terrence came running out onto the stage, the usual spring in his step and the usual bright smile on his lips.

“Andrew! Good to see you, my friend. How are you feeling today?” Terrence as Morgan asked.

Roman frowned deeply and let out a sigh as he tried to angle himself away from Terrence who sat right next to him, still with the bright smile in place.

“You shouldn’t be here, Morgan. I know you’re a good and happy guy but I’m not… I can’t… I’m toxic. I’m one of those toxic people that you should be cutting out of your life. I… I hurt my best friend Sam. You definitely shouldn’t seek me out. It’s not your responsibility.”

“It most certainly is,” Terrence answered. “And you’re not toxic. You’re sad and that’s okay.”

“No, I’m the bad guy,” Roman countered and he could feel Andrew’s pain as he said it.

Andrew didn’t want to believe it, so the words came out a little shaky but he thought it was better if he stuck by that because the bad guy label was something he could use to push people away.

“Andrew, you’re really not.”

“I am,” Roman grumbled and let his body slouch even more.

“You are not,” Terrence argued wholeheartedly and he absolutely did not sound deterred at all. “And no one gets to talk like that about you. Not even yourself, you hear me? You’re not the bad guy and I’ll prove it to you.”

At the last line, Terrence jumped up from his spot and ran to the middle of the stage as the music slowly started to build.

 

_I beg of you to listen to me_

_A bad guy is the last thing you’d be_

_You might have a fiery temper_

_But I know you can try to be better_

_You hurt yourself far more than others_

_Weren’t you and Sam like brothers?_

_You’re bound to have your ups and downs_

_You’re much more than your breakdowns_

_Don’t you dare confuse bad with sad_

_Or you’ll make me really mad_

 

Terrence as Morgan might look like the least intimidating thing as he cheerily said the threat in the last part of his verse. Just as he finished, Valerie walked out onto stage book in her hand and she spotted Terrence and looked like she was ready to turn around.

“Lena, come join me in telling Andrew how he isn’t a the bad guy!”

“I would rather not,” she argued. “I’m not very good with this stuff.”

“He believes he’s doomed to be stuck in his bad guy role,” Terrence said as Morgan with a lilt in his voice that made it evident that he knew just how to push Lena’s buttons to get her to react.

Valerie glanced over at Roman for a moment and her eyes analyzed him. As the second verse began, the beat of the song changed.

 

_I have to argue against a falsehood_

_You may merely be misunderstood_

_No one will ever remain the same_

_That much I feel comfortable to claim_

_You seem much more like a lost soul_

_Moving through life without a goal_

_Bad to the bone is far from true_

_You have got all life ahead of you_

_You are the author of your own_

_You and you alone_

 

Terrence squealed and pulled Valerie into a tight hug as they moved into the chorus. Roman got on his feet and walked towards them as Roman and Jo’s voices could be heard on the loudspeakers, loudly whispering very similar words of self-doubt and self-hatred.

Roman moved as if the words were speaking directly into his brain and in the moment he could almost feel as if he could hear them over Valerie and Terrence singing that he wasn’t a bad guy.

He was so much more but he was lost and he needed a helping hand, which wasn’t a sign of weakness. It was a sign of being human.

But as Roman’s own voice plastered that he was indeed weak and worthless, it was difficult for Andrew to believe Morgan and Lena’s encouraging words. As the chorus started to wind down, the whispers continued and grew louder.

Roman was standing between Terrence and Valerie and they were looking so supportive and kind but Roman didn’t let himself embrace any of it not yet.

Andrew still felt like a bad guy. He had hurt Sam. He would hurt Morgan and Lena in the future as well. He didn’t deserve such good and kind people in his life.

But then on the left, Leo suddenly stepped out.

He wasn’t smiling brightly like Terrence nor did he have the determined glance of Valerie but Roman stumbled towards him nonetheless. Andrew’s best friend, who he hadn’t seen since he had shouted that he hated him.

The whispered grew louder and changed and it was only Roman’s voice now. They told him how he had ruined everything by treating his friend like that and how nothing could ever be good again. Everything was ruined and there was no going back.

Leo let a small smile crawl up on his face and the music started to change yet again.

 

_They’re right; you’re not the bad guy_

_Even if we made each other cry_

_After all that we’ve been through_

_Did you really think I’d give up on you?_

_Best friends forever, that was the deal_

_You have a good heart you try to conceal_

_You’ve been there when I fell down_

_So drop that guarding frown_

I _forgive you_

 _I_ forgive _you_

 _I forgive_ you

_You’re not the bad guy_

_You never were in my eyes_

Roman hadn’t meant to start crying but he felt the wetness on his cheek as Leo slowly had stepped further and further out onto the stage and his voice had grown more and more confident with each breath.

But it wasn’t just the lyrics or Leo’s expression that played on Roman’s mind. He felt like he could feel and understand just how much Andrew had needed to hear those words. He might have played tough and pretended like he didn’t need it, like he didn’t need anything or anyone but he needed reassurances as much as the next person did. It wasn’t weakness. It just meant that he was human.

Roman couldn’t help but think back to his conversation with Virgil as the scene finished and the crew watching erupted in a small applause. Sometimes, you did really need someone else to say it to you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly longer chapter for you all today! I hope you liked it. Honestly, I love writing the dialogue between Roman and Virgil, it's so fun especially now that Virgil has almost entirely dropped his hostility, at least unless Roman approaches a very particular topic. The song for this chapter was quite a fun one to write and I also loved writing the impact notes because that's actually an edited version of the notes I wrote myself when I needed to pinpoint what this musical was going to be about. I can't believe we're nearing the end of this story, one more chapter of rehearsals, then one of the pre-premiere (I don't know if that's actually the name for it) and then the final chapter will cover the premiere night! Thank you so much for reading and I'm so grateful for the small lot of you that comment on every chapter - you're the best.
> 
> Next update will be up on 14th of October, and my upload time is around 8 PM CET (and I refuse to change it despite always being like a couple of hours late but if you've been following for a while then you'll know that).
> 
> EDIT: I hate to be doing this but I won't be able to get a chapter up on time. I've got about half of it written but it's already past 9 PM on Sunday here and I'm feeling drained, tired and dehydrated. I've had a tough weekend and an even tougher week and I am almost certain that I would not be happy with whatever words I could squeeze out while feeling completely fatigued. However, I do my very most to get the chapter up tomorrow or the day after. Sorry for the people who enjoy the new chapters as part of their routine. The story is by no means abandoned. I'm still very excited to take you through the last three chapters, which is why I refuse to rush them and put up something I wouldn't be happy with. Rant over. And I know you're a lovely lot of people, so thank you for your patience.


	11. It's just a little lie // Fuck your lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rehearsals were almost up and the cast and crew started to feel increasingly nervous. Roman decided to bring another Starbucks drink to Virgil and he found him on the stage, pacing in the dark. Things had shifted between them and the barriers were crumbling. However, there were still at least one big secret between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Song No. 10** \- _It's just a little lie // Fuck your lies_ \- Sung by Andrew and Dylan (duet)

It’s the last day of rehearsals before the performance in front of the test audience the following day and then just one more day until the actual premiere night.

Roman felt like he was in a state of constant buzzing. Whenever he did sit down, his leg kept bouncing up and down. It was like he constantly needed an outlet to all the energy brimming in his system.

He had even woken up early and gone on a morning run. He wasn’t sure how he had managed to become a morning person after being cast in this musical but it had happened without much conscious thought.

The meeting time for rehearsals hadn’t been that early but Roman had started waking up early and just going straight to the theater. From the moment his eyes opened after his slumber, he almost bolted out of the bed now because he was so excited to start his day.

No more sleeping in and grumbling about losing his beauty sleep. He had naturally started to go to bed earlier to make sure he got the optimal hours of sleep though and his sleeping schedule had never looked this good.

Logan would have been proud of him. One of the past days, he had talked to Thomas who had evidently stayed up too late and was tired on set. The director was still good at what he did and Roman didn’t have any complaint against his work ethic and he had showed up on time. Still, it had been a bit heartwarming to see Logan pull Thomas aside and speak from a place of worry. Patton had been standing next to Roman and secretly stealing glimpses and bouncing in his step while admiring his fiancé. He seemed so proud and like he could barely contain it.

Whenever Roman saw how Patton and Logan acted around each other, he felt an ache deep in his chest. He was a romantic at heart and he was very happy for his friends but he couldn’t quite shed the envy of their relationship.

Still, it helped that he had found a family and lots of new friendships since rehearsals started. He had felt accepted and embraced almost from day one by almost everyone. With one startling exception but even now Virgil seemed to have warmed up to him.

Even with a morning run and a quick shower, Roman had a little bit of time before it was around the time that he usually arrived. So he decided to try something and he swung by Starbucks to pick up a Frappuccino to himself and then chai tea for Virgil.

Things were different between them now.

Roman had sensed how the air had changed after their last conversation. Virgil had been kind. It was like he had decided to let Roman see past the sharp edges and the tall defenses a bit. Looking back at the conversation, Roman had been quite embarrassed with how obvious his insecurities had been but Virgil had just spoken so frankly but calmly that everyone had them. It sounded like he spoke from a place of experience even but Roman wasn’t sure what Virgil had to be insecure about.

He always carried this air of mystery around him. He looked calm and collected under his usual frown. His silver tongue was wielded expertly. He was gorgeous and he somehow managed to look cool in an oversized hoodie and hiding under bangs that could belong to a teenager’s emo face.

Still, he would freeze up or speak a little too jadedly and Roman knew that there was much more to him that first met the eye. But he also knew that Virgil seemed adamant about keeping people, especially new people, at arm’s length.

Roman wanted to know Virgil’s insecurities. He wanted to be able to help Virgil like Virgil had helped him. Virgil might have let Roman come close but upon pondering it, Roman felt like Virgil was still wearing his armor.

His armor of keeping a scowl on his face, sitting on odd surfaces and speaking with either hostility or wisdom but never quite letting the façade slip.

Roman pulled up to the empty parking lot behind the theater and he maneuvered out of the car with his two beverages.

There was a chance that Virgil would refuse to accept the drink, just like he had done Roman’s initial peace offering a couple of weeks back. Even with how things had changed, Virgil might still not want to accept anything from Roman.

The thought made Roman’s heart hurt deeply, in a way he wasn’t quite prepared for.

He came to an abrupt halt in the middle of the parking lot and his grip on the drinks almost faltered.

He knew he thought that Virgil was pretty, ever since their first meeting. He knew that he had been interested in talking to him. He knew that when Patton had asked him about Virgil, Roman had started to recognize that he might have a crush.

But he had never considered just how deep it might go.

Roman was used to getting crushes all the time and he normally had no issue on acting on them. Usually the guy would be interested and it would start out with fun flirting. Virgil hadn’t wanted anything to do with him and that might have shifted things a bit but Roman wasn’t sure it accounted for all of the reasons for why the crush on Virgil suddenly felt so different.

The mere thought that Virgil might not want to open up to Roman or the he wouldn’t want to build something that could last, whether that was platonic or romantic, hurt like hell. Roman felt a pull, a need, to keep Virgil in his life.

He wanted to know about him. He wanted to help him during his lows and he wanted celebrate his highs.

It reached much deeper than just being attracted to or fascinated by him.

Roman gulped and corrected his grip on the Starbucks beverages. It would do him no good to be nervous. If he confessed to Virgil how he felt then he knew that the techie would run away. Virgil had a tendency to do that whenever he was faced with something he didn’t like, or maybe it was because he didn’t know how to react.

Roman tried to ignore the way his heart was pounding in his chest at the thought of Virgil and he made his way into the theater and the dressing room. Virgil’s old bag, with all the patches sown into the front, was tossed in the corner as usual but Virgil was nowhere to be seen.

Roman went exploring and he found Virgil pacing around on the stage. He wasn’t rushing nor did he look very worried. He was walking back and forth at a languid pace, like he just needed to be on his feet and moving around. His head snapped up when he spotted Roman and he only looked angry for a beat. It quickly melted into an almost smile and Roman’s heart completely forgot about the promise to stop running away from him.

Virgil hadn’t turned on any of the big lights, so it was fairly dark but still Roman felt like he would have been able to recognize Virgil’s frame anywhere. He had shot him a lot of stolen glances when he hadn’t been looking.

He just fascinated Roman to no end and he wanted to be around him and speak to him. He also wanted to hold him, kiss him and less PG activities too but Roman was surprised that they took an obvious backseat to merely having a conversation with the guy. It wasn’t the way Roman usually worked with his attraction.

“Morning,” Virgil said in a low voice and it sounded rough like he might just have woken up. But as Roman took a step closer and he could see how the shadows cast from the singular source of light, the old ghost light in the corner, moved across Virgil’s face. He looked exhausted and Roman suddenly found himself wondering if Virgil wasn’t up early and he might instead be up very late.

He definitely looked like someone who hadn’t slept and Roman suddenly wished that either Logan or Patton were here. Patton would wrap him up in a hug and probably pull him into a cuddle and demand he took a nap. Logan would give him some explanation for the dangers of not getting enough sleep and continue until Virgil would cave and just go take a nap to be free from the lecturing.

Roman couldn’t do either of those things. He wasn’t like Logan or Patton.

But then again, they weren’t the only friends that Virgil had on set. Roman remembered how he had sometimes caught Thomas and Virgil chatting off in a corner, usually in hushed voices and turning away from the crowd like they had a secret just the two of them.

Thomas would offer up a reassuring word. He would sprinkle kindness all over Virgil until he eventually walked away with that little smile tugging at his lips that he thought no one saw.

Roman wasn’t sure why Virgil never really let himself smile properly or laugh more than a suppressed chuckle. It was like he was always carrying so much on his shoulders that he couldn’t let it drop, even just for a second to allow himself to feel good.

“Roman?” Virgil asked and walked closer.

Roman noticed that he had just been standing in the dark, hands tightly around the disposable cups, and staring at Virgil while his thoughts ran wild.

“Sorry,” he grumbled and cleared his voice when it came out low and a bit rough despite the vocal warm-ups that he had done in the car on the way here.

Virgil looked almost otherworldly in the low, one light source playing across his face as he strolled up to Roman. He felt an overwhelming feeling to close the distance himself or beg Virgil to just keep walking closer but Virgil came to a stop at a respectable distance.

Virgil’s eyes scanned Roman’s hands and he suddenly remembered the beverages.

“I… I got you a chai tea,” Roman said, a little clumsily, and he thrust the cup towards Virgil in an outstretched hand. “I know you don’t like coffee… so I thought… I don’t know. I just wanted to get you something. You’re the only- When I arrived you’re always here and…”

Roman was fumbling and struggling and he felt like he had been sent into an audition without more than a quick glance over the script and he didn’t know what to say. Virgil tilted his head back a little, making the bangs shift away from his eyes, and he tentatively reached out to take the offered cup.

Their hands brushed, ever so briefly, before Virgil snatched up the cup and held it in front of him with two hands.

“I said I don’t react well to _caffeine_ , not coffee,” Virgil reminded Roman. “And there’s still caffeine in chai tea, even if it’s not as much.”

At Virgil’s words, Roman felt himself slump forward in defeat and he tried to reach out to take the cup back. He was an idiot. He just couldn’t get anything right with Virgil no matter how much he wanted it to work or how hard he was trying.

However, before he could take the cup back, Virgil took a couple of distancing steps. Roman felt an almost instinctive need to chase after him. He wanted chase Virgil so badly but at the same time, he knew he would never do it without having been granted permission for the pursuit.

“No, I- it’s… thank you,” Virgil said and cupped the tea in his hands. His hoodie sleeves were pulled up to cover most of his hands and his hood was up and it was altogether a very cozy look. “I like chai tea.”

Roman wasn’t sure how to predict or deal with Virgil’s contrasting statements but he decided to just leave it be and be happy that Virgil wanted to accept the drink. He stole a glance as Virgil tipped his head back to take a sip and he could almost swear that Virgil’s cheeks looked a little flushed.

It wasn’t bright enough for him to be sure about the color on Virgil’ face.

But the light did have another effect in that it was making the dark circles under Virgil’s eyes stand out rather distinctively. Roman knew that Virgil usually wore dark eye shadow under his eyes but this wasn’t applied make-up. He did have dark smudges around his eyes a bit, almost like he might have been rubbing his eyes, or worse crying, but the slight indents and the color under his eyes were on his actual his skin.

Roman should have kept his mouth shut but it had never been his strongest trait.

“Did you stay here all night?”

The moment the words left his lips, he wished that he could have taken them back. He flinched himself, because he recognized how invasive it sounded and he had just been making progress! It was so typical of him to put his foot in his mouth.

He had none of the smooth lines he would usually apply when talking to someone he fancied. Around Virgil, it all just fell away against his will and he was stumbling over the words. He so wanted to make a good impression and he wanted Virgil to like him so much that he felt like he was trying too hard.

Perhaps that was his mistake. The best conversation they had ever shared had been when Roman hadn’t been focused on impressing or wowing Virgil at all.

Roman was about to groan and hide his face in his hands or he was prepared to simply just walk off stage and leave Virgil alone. He had looked like he had been in deep thought before Roman had come to disturb him.

He didn’t dare to turn to face Virgil because he figured that he would be wearing that hostile glare that clearly told Roman that Virgil thought he was an idiot. It was unfortunately a look that Roman had become well acquainted with during the first week or two of rehearsals.

He certainly hadn’t expected Virgil to _answer_ Roman’s invasive question but that was exactly what he did.

“Yeah,” Virgil said and when Roman dared to look at him, he saw how Virgil was holding on tightly to his cup, still with both hands and he stared at it like it grounded him.

“Oh,” Roman uttered because he didn’t even know what to say to an actual reply. He was the worst but so he tried to come up with something better. “I’m sorry to hear that. And… and for asking. It’s not my place.”

Virgil shrugged lightly. “It’s okay. I’m just nervous about these next few days. Rehearsals have flown by.”

Roman nodded in understanding. He was nervous about it as well. Tomorrow there would be an audience and they would perform it all in one go for the first time. Granted, the audience wasn’t that big and it was mostly people who had some connection to the theater prior, like Remy. Also, a good bulking of them were friends and family of the cast and crew. Roman hadn’t wanted to invite anyone. He was too nervous and he didn’t need to add the pressure on himself. His family hadn’t been the most accepting of his career choices and he refused to focus on them. He would be with his chosen stage family instead.

He hadn’t realized that Virgil might feel the same nervous anticipation, probably because Roman figured with him being backstage and dealing with the technical stuff it wouldn’t be as much pressure. But then again, people reacted differently and Virgil had been rather sensitive at times. Roman could also recognize that the success of the play did rely heavily on the technical side of things just working smoothly.

It wasn’t something that was praised as much as actors’ performances or even acknowledged in the same way but Roman knew what the techies brought to the table was invaluable. He realized that he might not have been appreciating Kenny, Virgil, Taylor and Kyle’s contributions as much as he should have.

Their work, when it was executed flawlessly didn’t really get any praise but if there were just the smallest mistake, it would be called out in epic proportions. It seemed hardly fair.

“You’ll do great. It’s a great team,” Roman said.

Virgil frowned a little but he didn’t look angry. He almost looked confused and Roman was about to open his mouth to elaborate but Virgil spoke before he had the chance to do so.

“What if they don’t like it?” he asked in a voice that was barely louder than a whisper.

If they hadn’t been standing in the dark, quiet and all alone, Roman wouldn’t have been able to hear him at all.

Roman didn’t know how to reply to that, at least not when Virgil suddenly sounded so insecure. It sounded personal to him, in a way that Roman hadn’t picked up on before. Initially, he figured that Virgil was just as protective of Andrew’s story like almost everyone else in the production but now that he knew for almost certain that Andrew was a real person, Roman wondered if perhaps Virgil knew him. There was still a lot about the mystery author that remained, well, a mystery.

It would make sense that Virgil would be worried for a friend.

Roman took a breath and he considered his words before answering. He didn’t want to just blurt out something unhelpful again. As he drew in his breath, Virgil eyes settled on him and there was so much emotion in his eyes that the carefully-chosen words momentarily got stuck in Roman’s throat.

The lighting and the atmosphere were making it very difficult for Roman to push aside his fascination with Virgil. He looked mysterious and Roman wanted nothing more than to figure him out. The whole thing also made him seem almost hauntingly beautiful and it did funny things to Roman’s heart.

He had to clear his throat before he could force the words out. Virgil’s eyes never left him.

“I think… I think that they’ll love it, Virgil. I love it. It’s a good story and it’s been handled very well. Everyone has been working hard to make it the best it can be and the results are showing. And I, for my part, will do my utmost to portray Andrew in a credible manner. It will be okay.”

Virgil blinked a couple of times; his eyelids moving slow almost in consideration and Roman was transfixed.

“You really mean that, don’t you?” Virgil asked and Roman could hear that it was meant to be a rhetorical question but he wanted to answer any way.

“Yes, I do. It’s scaring me a bit too,” Roman then confessed in a hushed voice.

He hated being vulnerable and saying his fears out loud but in the moment it slipped out easily. He felt safe with Virgil, in a way that he hadn’t felt before.

“I didn’t think anything scared you,” Virgil commented with a little adorable huff of air that didn’t quite make in into a chuckle but it was halfway there.

Roman almost said that a lot of things scared him. He liked to pretend that he didn’t have any fears and he preferred to push them to the corners of his mind and just ignore them. He could fool himself like that.

Fear of rejection was a big one of his, which was almost laughable considering his chosen profession but what could he do? The stage called to him.

Frankly, a lot of things that called to him did scare him, like the guy standing in front of him.

Virgil could be intimidating when he wanted with his scowl, his hissing and his sharp tongue but it wasn’t that Roman was afraid of. He was afraid that Virgil had somehow taken up a place in Roman’s heart without him realizing consciously. It scared Roman because he wasn’t sure how Virgil even felt about him most of the time and yet he felt like he couldn’t stop his heart from running away from him and into the hoodie-clad boy’s hands.

“Things do,” Roman said vaguely, biting down on the word vomit threatening to escape and reveal too much. “But we have to be brave, right? Like Andrew when he finally confronts Dylan towards the end and break the toxic bond? Actually…”

Roman wasn’t sure if he was predictable or if Virgil just knew him well enough to spot his subtle tells. He hoped it was the latter.

“We are not acting out the scene or the song,” Virgil protested. “I’m not an actor.”

“And yet you know the whole script by heart, don’t you?” Roman asked with a teasing edge in his voice.

He had seen Virgil backstage, lips moving along to both lines and lyrics when he thought no one was looking. Roman had been paying close attention to him for too long not to spot it. He also hadn’t forgotten the time he had found Virgil sitting on the stage, in similar lighting to what surrounded them now, curled up and pouring over the pages of the script.

He clearly knew the story well and Roman didn’t blame him. It was a good one.

“We are most definitely going to do it,” Roman said determinately.

“I said no, Roman. I can’t sing and I’m not acting as either Dylan or Andrew. It would be weird,” Virgil argued and pulled his arms closer around himself, hugging his torso.

Roman wanted to push. It was in his nature but he caught another glimpse of those dark under eye bags and he relented. He could perform two roles and a duet, even if he had to do it all by himself and without any music.

Roman did his best to mimic Jo’s expression as Dylan.

“What’s up, pleb?” Roman asked as Dylan.

Then he shifted his shoulders around and moved a half step to the right. He was now frowning, tension poised in his whole body. In the scene before, Andrew had just spoken with Morgan, Lena and most importantly Sam who had all made it clear that they didn’t think he was the bad guy. They cared about him in a way that Dylan never had. He had always just viewed Andrew as his plaything, as his puppet to manipulate.

“I’m done. We’re done,” Roman said as Andrew.

Roman shifted half a step to the left and changed his expression.

“I wasn’t aware we were an item,” Roman said in his best slimy voice as Dylan. “But if you insist I’m sure we could figure-“

Roman switched back again.

“No,” he said as Andrew with his voice shaking slightly as he balled his hands into fists. “No more skipping class. No more petty theft. No more pretending that nothing matters. It does. I’m done throwing my future away.”

Roman shifted back to his Dylan side and threw back his head to give a laugh that was villainous. It wasn’t as good as Jo’s but it would have to do.

“Future? What future?” he snickered as Dylan.

Roman was keenly aware that Virgil’s eyes were on him and it made him a little hot under the collar but he didn’t mind it. He was a performer and performers needed an audience, even if it was just one person. Perhaps they needed it even more so, if it was a very important person.

Roman twirled around and he was delighted when he saw Virgil suppress a smile at his antics. He imagined the music, the same music as track no. 5 and it started with the chorus from that song. It was a reprieve of sorts but things were about to take a turn. Still, Roman threw himself into singing Jo’s part of the duet.

 

_It’s just a little lie_

_Just try to defy_

_A little word_

_A tiny whisper_

_C’mon, just try it_

_I think you’ll like it_

_Make your own rules_

_Don’t be like all the fools_

_It’s just a little lie_

_Do you really think people actually care?_

_You’re not even worth the breath of air_

_Do you really think you can do without me?_

_I inspired you to be more than you could ever be!_

_Can’t you see we’re cut from the same cloth?_

_A little lying never hurt a-_

 

Roman span around and he cut off his own speech. When they had rehearsed it, he would actually have to cut Jo as Dylan off with his words of his own and as he spoke them now, he imagined how the music would come to a halt completely. It would be dead silent in the theater, just like it was at the moment.

 

_Fuck your lies…_

 

Roman paused and let Andrew’s words hang in the air. He looked up to catch Virgil’s eye and there was something in the techie’s expression that Roman couldn’t place at all. He almost wanted to stop and ask him if he was okay but he needed to at least finish Andrew’s first verse because that had been the whole reason that he wanted to sing this with Virgil, even if he had ended up performing it himself.

He wanted Virgil to remember Andrew’s courage in finally standing up to his bully. The pause stretched on, just like it would have done if they had been in proper rehearsal. Roman’s body was tight and ready to go of the moment he let himself. He could practically hear the music in his mind, starting up gradually and it would be building with each of his words.

 

_Shut fucking up, I’m nothing like you!_

_I can’t believe what I’ve gotten myself into!_

_I let you whisper lies in my ears for too long_

_But at least it reminded me of where I belong_

_I might stumble, trip and get tongue-tied_

_It’s still better than your shit of a misguide_

_I’ll never be the knight in shining armor_

_Still better than being near you, so-called charmer_

_I might not shine but I’ll never drown in the shadows_

_Not as long as I make sure to keep my friends close_

 

The song wasn’t finished but as Roman finished the verse he thought he saw tears in the corners of Virgil’s eyes and he instantly started panicking.

“Virge, I’m sorry!” Roman almost yelled in surprise, which wasn’t the ideal way to calm someone clearly upset but it had just caught Roman by completely surprise.

But then Virgil surprised him yet again because he was smiling. Not just a slight tug in the corner of his mouth. An actual smile with both edges of his mouth turned upwards. It still wasn’t that wide and big but no one could deny that it was a proper smile.

Roman felt like the breath was knocked out of him and he didn’t know what to do or what to say so he just stood and watched Virgil.

Virgil sniffled a little and he brought his sleeve up to his nose.

“I’m not upset with you,” he clarified but his voice still sounded teary and Roman couldn’t help but feel like he had done something wrong.

They were still just standing in the middle of the almost dark stage too early in the morning for anyone else to have arrived yet. But Roman knew that other cast and crew arriving for the final day of rehearsals would soon invade their little space.

“It’s just… it’s odd to hear you sing those words,” Virgil continued with another sniffle. “It’s… I don’t know. Thank you, I guess, for reminding me how far I’ve come.”

Roman wasn’t sure what Virgil meant and the confusion must be obvious on his face because Virgil moved to answer the question Roman didn’t ask.

“Never mind, I know it doesn’t make sense. It’s just… being reminded of his… bravery helped, like you said it would. We just have to believe that people will like it. You did well, Roman. I never thought I’d say it but you’re absolutely the right person to play Andrew. I trust him with you.”

Roman’s mind was reeling and he was still just standing and watching tongue-tied. He was about to work out what to say to that, while his heart swelled at the trust and praise and mixed in with the confusion he still felt concerning how Virgil spoke about the musical.

But he didn’t have a chance before the top lights went on and blinded his eyes. He quickly slapped a hand over his eyes. It was much too bright after having been standing in the dim light for such a long time.

Roman’s head hurt. Hesitantly, he removed his hand from his eyes but as he did, Virgil had disappeared, seemingly into thin air. Most likely, he had just walked off stage while Roman was blinded but he liked to think of it the other way. It added to the mystery of Virgil, not that he wasn’t already clouded in enough. Roman liked it, even if he also wanted a peek behind the curtain.

Before, he would have been worried but by now he knew that Virgil had a tendency to do that. He was actually a little thankful because he still wasn’t sure how to reply to what Virgil had told him.

“Hi, man,” Jamahl said. “Sorry for blinding you. I didn’t think anyone would be out here.”

“No problem,” Roman said with a smile and blinked a couple of times rapidly to make it easier for his eyes to adjust.

Shortly after, the rest of the cast and crew started filling in and nerves were running pretty high. It was the last time they had for making mistakes before an audience would be watching them.

Roman felt the nerves and channeled them into excitement instead. He had dreamed of doing this for a long time and even with all the hours poured into rehearsal, he sometimes felt as if it wasn’t real. Like it might just be an extremely elaborate dream that had kept ahold of him for a long time.

He was the lead in a musical with catchy and profound songs and a script that brought forth what Roman deemed an important story and he had an incredibly talented cast and crew surrounding him at an old but iconic theater.

He was on a high all through rehearsals, even in the evening when he was tired and beat. He also couldn’t stop replaying Virgil’s words over and over again in his head.

_You’re absolutely the right person to play Andrew. I trust him with you._

Roman felt honored and like another barrier between the two of them had crumbled. He had considered how he wanted to reply and he had tried to find Virgil throughout the day but he hadn’t been anywhere at all. Usually, he did duck out a little earlier than the end of the day but it was odd not to see him around at all.

As he remembered the dark circles under his eyes, Roman wondered if he possibly had gone home to get some sleep. He felt the urge to check up on him but he realized that he didn’t have Virgil’s number or any way to contact him. He didn’t even know his last name.

He would have to change that fact before production wrapped.

As Thomas and Joan called it cut on the last scene and praised everyone with satisfied smiles, Roman made it a point to find Kenny as people started to head home.

“Roman,” Kenny greeted him heartedly and pulled him into a hug.

There were a lot of huggers as part of the cast and crew but unfortunately one of the only ones who wasn’t was the one brooding techie that Roman had felt the urge to hug on so many occasions that he was losing track.

“I’m good, Kenny. Nervous for tomorrow but excited as well. I just wanted to ask you about Virgil. Did you send him home early?” Roman asked.

“Virgil? Home early? What do you mean?” Kenny asked with confusion painted across his features.

Roman frowned. “Virgil said that he hadn’t slept well, so I assumed you saw that and sent him home from work early?”

Kenny shook his head. “I can’t send Virgil home.”

“Aren’t you the head of the technical department? Who else would send him home? Surely, he wouldn’t have left without being allowed to cut his work day short?”

It had been a while since Roman had felt out of the loop but it had become a familiar feeling to him before and it was coming back full force now. Why did Kenny act like he didn’t know what he was talking about? Roman felt irritation rise in his body.

“I am,” Kenny confirmed. “But Virgil isn’t a techie.”

“What?” Roman exclaimed a little too loudly.

What did he mean? Of course, Virgil was a techie. He was always lurking around and doing stuff backstage and he even knew how to get up on the rafters. Roman couldn’t recall who had told him that Virgil was a techie, probably not the guy himself, but it couldn’t have been something he just imagined. Wait, wasn’t it Kyle? Back during the first day of rehearsals or something? Come to think of it, Roman wasn’t sure he had said it outright but it had been implied, hadn’t it?

Kenny suddenly paled a little and he let out a nervous cough.

“He just… helps out around set. Like Patton, you know? Now if you will excuse me,” Kenny said but he was still looking a bit too pale and it wasn’t like him to cut a conversation short at all. He was a super friendly guy and now he was acting almost rude, which Roman had never experienced before.

“Kenny, you need to tell me what’s going on. Patton’s only here because he’s Logan’s fiancé and he has a fierce need to help anyone and everyone. Virgil, as much as I like him, isn’t like that.”

An almost pained expression crossed Kenny’s face. “I don’t know what else to tell you, Roman. It’s not for me to explain. Perhaps you should talk to him tomorrow.”

“But you-“

“Roman, I am sorry but please don’t keep pushing. Ask him,” Kenny said resolutely.

The urge to protest was still fuming within Roman because he was being shut out _again_. Just like when everyone had seemed to know about the mystery author and refused to tell him.

It was actually remarkably similar.

It finally slotted into place in Roman’s brain and he cursed under his breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roman being extra and performing a duet and a scene with two people by himself is something I didn't know I needed until I was writing and he suddenly told me that he needed to perform for Virgil. But I'm glad because it's a way to incorporate the song lyrics (that I do for every chapter) in a way that isn't just another rehearsal, even if I did then cut out Jo's involvement. But that's probably not what you're all focusing on! Roman finally got the memo and I'm sure a lot of you have picked up on all the hints. It'll get properly confirmed in the next chapter, which will also be a really angsty one (consider yourself warned). Thank you for being patient with me having to push my upload schedule a couple of days but I'm very happy that I did it or I'm sure the chapter would have looked differently. 
> 
> Next aimed upload day is on Sunday (21st of October) at around 8 PM CET.
> 
> EDIT: Honestly, I'm sorry to keep doing this and if you've been reading other of my updating chaptered stories, then you know it's not like me but I'll have to postpone the Sunday chapter at least a couple of days. I got distracted by writing [a phan piece for 19th of October](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16347518). Thank you for your patience. I just can't rush these last chapters because I don't want the ending to fall flat.


	12. Anxiety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman was still reeling from the revelation about the original author's identity. He felt insanely stupid for having missed all of the hints. He needed to speak to him but he was nowhere to be found, even on the day of the pre-premiere. 
> 
> This chapter contains elements that could potentially be triggering, so please consult the TW in the end notes if you need to. These will also be spoilers but it's most important to stay safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Song No. 11** \- _Anxiety_ \- Sung by Andrew

Roman’s head was spinning. No. It couldn’t be true.

His first emotional response was anger. He felt almost violated to have been deprived and excluded for weeks on end. He had been purposely kept out of the loop and people had kept the secret again and again, even when he had tried to ask about it nicely.

Fuck, even as he had started to talk to Virgil properly, the _not_ -techie had never said a word. Looking back, Roman felt stupid at all the hints that he must have missed. He hadn’t been looking for it. He hadn’t been paying attention to it because how the hell would _Virgil_ be the original author of the story behind the musical?

However, the anger faded quickly and it was replaced by shame and sadness. He wasn’t entitled to feel angry, even as the fury had been swirling in his veins. It was an instinctive response but that didn’t mean that it was fair to project it outwards, like when he had almost shouted in Kenny’s face as the realization dawned on him.

Virgil had every right to hide it. It was his life. It was his real struggle that he had seen being portrayed on stage, day after day. It was a vulnerable piece of art and Roman couldn’t even imagine how odd and terrifying it must be to watch an interpretation of it when you had lived the story yourself.

Suddenly, it also made a lot of sense why he had initially disliked Roman. Roman had repeatedly been told that he was so unlike Andrew, or rather Virgil, and that he needed to sympathize more with the role. It also made sense why everyone was so protective of “Andrew”. They weren’t just overly attached to the character. They cared for the real human that he was based upon.

The same real human who hung out on set undoubtedly to see how the production was coming along. Roman certainly would not have been able to stay away if any personal portrayal of him was being converted into a show.

After the initial shout, Roman had just gone slack jawed and stared dead ahead. He felt like a fool. He should have noticed. He should have paid more attention. It shouldn’t have escaped his notice.

Someone was saying his name but it took Roman a couple of seconds to pull his mind back to the surface and away from its spiral of dread and embarrassment. Kenny’s hand felt warm and supportive on his shoulder and he looked up to see a worried expression reflected back at him.

“You okay there, buddy?”

Roman cleared his throat and he wasn’t sure when it had gotten so tight. “No. Kenny… why didn’t anyone tell me?”

Kenny shifted his weight back and forth and for a beat, Roman thought that he would pretend not to know what Roman was talking about, despite their previous conversation about Virgil and the huge unspoken secret.

“It isn’t my place, Roman. If you want to know about Virgil, you should talk to _him_.”

Roman didn’t fight the sarcastic snort that escaped him. “Like that’s easy,” he muttered.

“You’ve managed pretty well,” Kenny said earnestly and squeezed Roman’s shoulder.

Roman had been frowning on the ground and scowling but now the lines melted away from his face and he just looked up with a blank expression.

“Huh?”

“Virgil doesn’t like new people. It usually takes months for him to speak properly to someone, especially if Thomas or Patton isn’t acting as a facilitator. I’ve seen the two of you around. You’ve gotten farther than you think.”

“Not far enough for him to trust me,” Roman mumbled, unable to shake the bitterness. He had felt like the two of them had connected but he must have been wrong because then Virgil wouldn’t have kept such a huge and relevant secret from him, would he?

Kenny let out a soft sigh. “People are different, Roman. You should know better than most that Virgil isn’t straightforward. You’ve read him.”

Roman had. He had read all the original poetry. He had read the song lyrics and rehearsed them over and over again. He had read the handful of journal entries that had been for his eyes only.

The journal entries.

“Yes!” Roman exclaimed. He needed to get home. He needed to read one of them again. The one that he had barely managed to make it through because the pain had been so palpable and it had made him scared, so he had sped through it.

Most people had already headed home for the day and Roman knew that everyone else in the cast and crew would likely throw up the same protection around Virgil, just like Kenny had. No one would want to discuss him with Roman. They would want to protect their friend.

The thought warmed Roman’s heart as he stormed out of the theater to get home to photocopied notebook pages. He hadn’t dared to bring them with him to the theater since he had gotten them. He had become oddly protective over handwritten words.

Virgil had so many friends now. Everyone on the production seemed to personally know him with the exception of Roman. No one had gotten to audition without a personal referral from someone in the inner circle.

He might have been driving home a little fast but he suddenly slammed down his foot when more pieces fell into place. He had seen character quirks in the supporting characters that he had seen in the real people working on the production as well.

Thomas’ easy ability to make friends and how fiercely he would fight for them.

Patton’s obvious love for everyone and how he clung on to them until they felt warmer.

Logan’s cold façade that still did not stop him from being extremely protective.

Sam, Morgan and Lena.

Roman was happy that he was alone on the road or he might have been rear-ended. The grip of his hands on the wheel were so tight that it was almost painful and the skin over his knuckles had turned white, like he guessed that his expression did as well.

He made it home safely, somehow, and carelessly threw his car into its usual spot without much consideration. He ripped open the door and went to coffee table and the papers neatly sitting on the corner.

The handwritten poems and the journal entries in Virgil’s handwriting.

No one had confirmed it to him, but Roman knew that it was true anyway. Looking at the photocopied pages now, he could even see that damn notebook that Virgil so often carried with him. The pages would probably match in size, even if Roman doubted that it would be the same book. Virgil had been out of college for a few years, so the story wasn’t fresh anymore.

Maybe it had taken almost ten years for him to be comfortable enough to actually be able to tell it.

Roman sat down on his couch and carefully picked up the pages. He flipped through to the last few pages. The poetry had been arranged in the song order and an odd journal entry would be stuffed in behind the poem they belonged to.

The penultimate song had still been the one that Roman had struggled with the most out of all of them. It was a solo, his closing solo, and he wanted it to be perfect but the emotions had been foreign to him in the beginning. He hadn’t been able to understand how someone’s brain would feel when they had an anxiety disorder.

Reading the journal entry had helped but that was the one that had been painful, so he had almost wanted to flip it over and not dwell on the words.

He picked up the poem now. It was the shortest one in the bunch, only about a verse that had made it into the song version. It was also partly different handwriting. Roman hadn’t known what to make of it when he had first seen it but he hadn’t dared to go ask someone when it was already a big victory to have been granted these pages at all.

He looked it over again. The neat and thick letters were almost a how-to guide and then lines had been scrawled in between them by the same handwriting prominent in the rest of the poetry and journal entries.

 

_When it’s not sheer glow and rainbows_

**Turn to a funny, light-hearted TV show**

_When it’s breaking down your foundations_

**Make positive, calming observations**

_When it’s it seems like you’re about to balk_

**Use positive self-talk**

_When the future seem dark anyhow_

**Focus on right now**

_When it might feel like actual death_

**Take a deep breath**

_When it’s everything wrong with society_

**Accept you have anxiety**

_When you can’t stop seeing red_

**Realize that it’s all in your head**

 

Roman’s heart skipped a little beat as he pictured Virgil slouched forward over his notebook, staring at the caring words written out in front of him. They were formed carefully and clearly done from a place of love and Roman had a feeling that Thomas might have written them, if he was right about the director being the childhood best friend in the musical. The poem was like watching two contrasting sides talking together.

Half of the words were hopeful and offering coping mechanisms. The other half were highlighting how bad things could get and it made Roman’s stomach turn. Virgil had felt like that. Maybe he still felt like that some days. It wasn’t fair. None of it was fair.

He reluctantly turned the page to the journal entry and he wasn’t shocked that he felt himself drew in a sharp breath as he tried to prepare himself for it. Slowly, he started rereading it.

_He wrote me these after I told him about my anxiety. He genuinely went out of his way to research it and find ways to help me cope with it. And now I’m writing it onto a shitty poem or whatever. He’d like that. Fuck. I’m such an idiot. I’ve been so scared of saying anything. Of telling anyone that I feel like this because I didn’t want their fucking pity and I didn’t need any help. I could do it on my own. I could handle it, even when my nails dug into my palms hard enough to leave indents for hours in the skin. It’s a mild release, a coping mechanism that people hardly notice when you’ve got long sleeves covering your hands. They can’t see it. I’m glad I’ve never gone further but the thoughts had been there. The curiosity if physical pain could help to ward off mental agony. But I was too much of a coward to try it. I’m scared of pain, I’m scared of the panic, I’m scared of losing control, I’m scared of losing people and I’m most scared of losing myself. Funny thing? I don’t even know who_ myself _is yet! It’s only college though and I have all my life to figure it out. Right…? I thought I was doomed to live in lonely misery with only that snake as a friend. That is what **it** told me, again and again. I didn’t deserve nice things. I didn’t deserve to have people care about me. It is almost as filthy a liar as the snake. I can see that now thanks to them; to my friends, old and new, and to my mother. They are beams of sunshine, care, support and wisdom. I still don’t feel like I deserve them. The voices in my head continue to whisper it and send shivers down my spine. Before I would have been powerless to stop it, but now? I can talk to them, even if it still terrifies me. They all know now that I struggle with- _ that _. **ANXIETY**. It’s been almost a dirty word for me for a long time. It’s about time I changed that. Mum said to treat it like a friend that just got a bit overly protective. My friends had different but similar advice about facing it but not fighting it head on. The best way to combat it is to try to live more calmly. Find the things and the people that calm me. I want it to be a friend instead of an enemy, especially as I might never be completely rid of it. They all believe in me. I’m not sure how. My mind is trying to trick me into thinking I don’t deserve it and so it feels like that. I don’t know how to completely separate the logic and the feeling in my gut but even so I won’t let stop fighting. My true friends and family wouldn’t lie, not like my mind or the snake does. I refuse to treat them as liars anymore. I’ve done it for far too long. If they say that they care and they will be there, then that is the truth. I’ll have to keep a watchful eye on my anxiety to ensure I don’t slip back into old habits. Time to be vigilant, I guess. Ironic, isn’t it?_

 

It was right there. It was staring at him at the end of the line. Vigilant. Virgil had practically written his name into the journal entry and Roman hadn’t even noticed. He had been too focused on the bad stuff mentioned and he had almost breezed over the tentative hope. The wish to become better. It wasn’t like the utter hopelessness in the journal entry that followed the _I hate you_ poem, which had been nothing but utter misery.

This entry had seemed almost worse to Roman because how horrible must it have been to have your mind be your biggest villain? How did you even fight yourself? Roman wouldn’t have known how to even start with that.

It was terrifying to think you could never escape or get reprieve from the bad.

People with anxiety were far stronger than they realized. Virgil had no reason to feel weak or scared. He was strong and brave for taking on his mind, every single day.

It wasn’t the kind of bravery that Roman had ever deeply considered before but he did now. It was an extreme show of strength.

Andrew, or rather Virgil, was far from a damsel in distress and he didn’t need a dashing prince to save him, like Roman had initially thought when he had read the role.

He was the hero of the story, even if he was an unconventional one.

It became an insanely restless night for Roman. Between the nerves of performing for an audience tomorrow and considering the revelation about Virgil, Roman was surprised that he managed to get any sleep at all.

It was well into the AM before he managed to fall asleep and as a result he almost ended up oversleeping. He had somehow managed to turn off his alarm and he ran back and forth grabbing all his stuff for the big day. He had prepped it the evening before when he had been unable lay still in his bed.

Now it came in quite handy but Roman hardly registered it. He arrived at the Old Timber to see the cars of his cast and crewmates and it was a bit of a shock as opposed to arriving at the completely empty parking lot.

He did note that the spot he usually parked, right next to the entrance, was still noticeably empty. No one had parked in Roman’s spot. In the middle of the horrible morning, he suddenly felt a rush of gratitude toward his colleagues. They didn’t need to do that. It was an obvious sign to Roman and he parked swiftly and ran inside. He had hoped to be able to catch Virgil beforehand but now that dream was lost as he had overslept.

He almost stumbled, even if he would have denied the insecurity in his steps if you asked him. He cast a quick glance at the corner for Virgil’s bag pack with the patches but it wasn’t in its usual spot slouched against the corner.

“Roman?” Patton asked and ran in to greet him with a hug. “Our dear directors were beginning to become worried! No one had seen you yet. I’m so happy to see you!”

Roman felt some of the tension he was holding ease out of him as he embraced the hug and let Patton’s affections calm him. He had never quite been hugged so much before he joined the cast and he met all of these lovely people.

“Sorry,” Roman mumbled against Patton’s shoulder. “I had trouble sleeping.”

Patton pulled back from the hug a bit but he kept his hands firmly on Roman’s shoulders as he established intense eye contact. Patton’s instant worry was clear in his eyes.

“Is there anything I can do to make you feel better? I can… bake cookies! I will take me like an hour but I can have fresh baked treats for you!”

Patton’s sincere words made Roman’s throat feel tight and he surged forward to wrap him up in a hug again. He wouldn’t let himself cry in such a relatively public place when anyone could walk in. It wasn’t even like him to become emotional like this.

But he just kept thinking about how Patton had waltzed into Virgil’s life and showed him that he was worthy of endless love and support. It made him feel quite choked up.

“Oh, you poor baby,” Patton muttered and had it been anyone else then Roman would have been pissed at the choice of words. But it was Patton and he was allowed to say things like that and get away with it.

“I’m not sad for me,” Roman clarified. “I’ve just been thinking about… Vi-Andrew. Getting into character, right? How alone he must have felt and how lucky he was for someone like Morgan to come along and insist on being his friend, you know?”

Roman was the one who pulled away this time and Patton was wearing a puzzled expression for a beat until it morphed into a knowing smile.

He didn’t say anything but he didn’t need to. Roman could read him just fine.

“You’re a great friend, Patton,” Roman said and Patton looked like he melted with affection.

He wrapped Roman up in another hug and it was probably making him late but he didn’t even care because there were few things better in this world than a proper Patton’ed hug.

“You will be good for him too,” Patton whispered.

Roman was about to open his mouth to reply with confusion, but their names were being called and suddenly Logan was standing in the doorway.

His strict grimace slipped as soon as he saw the hug dissolve in front of him. He tried to put the mask back on but he was failing terribly.

“Stop distracting Roman, who is already late, Patton. Roman, you’re needed in costumes. Talyn wants to see the final hoodie on you after it’s been finished.”

Patton didn’t seem to believe in the attempted strict tone either. He let go of Roman and skipped up to his fiancé and pressed a chaste kiss to his cheek.

“Yes, dear,” Patton said with the biggest smile on his face and he skipped out of the room.

Logan blinked a couple of times and Roman could swear that a slight blush was spreading over the dramaturg’s face. It was an adorable sight.

Roman knew he was being a little shit but he imitated Patton’s skipped steps and he came to a halt next to Logan. It took all of his willpower not to press a kiss to the other cheek just to be funny. Logan clearly thought he was going to do so with the way he was stunned but trying to move back. Instead, Roman simply bopped him on the nose, which earned him another rare sight on Logan’s face: surprise.

“I’ll get right on it,” Roman said as he half-ran out of the room. It filled him with a giddy glee that almost made him forget about his rushed morning and all the stuff about Virgil.

It didn’t leave his mind for long though, because when he saw Talyn held out the last of Roman’s three Andrew costumes. The basic hoodie was identical to the one that Roman would be wearing for the first Act of the show but it had been modified to be something entirely different.

Roman felt even more stupid now that he knew Andrew was based on Virgil. The patches were not identical to the ones that adorned Virgil’s usual bag that Roman had so often seen in the dressing room but they were very similar.

“Sorry, it took so long. A lot of people had to pick which one they wanted to have on,” Talyn explained and then their eyes widened a bit as they realized that they might have spoken a bit out of term. “I mean…”

“It’s okay,” Roman said and took the hoodie from them. “Like Morgan, Lena and Sam all gave the patches to him, didn’t they?”

Talyn nodded and show him an analytical look.

The hoodie was a piece of art. It was such a radical difference to the way the hoodie had looked before, plain black without any personality. Now it was almost radiating love in the mismatch of patches.

It was an odd but fitting collection; a stack of books, a cookie, a rainbow, a thundercloud, a music note, a dog and purple paid patchwork scatted between them.

“It’s beautiful,” Roman muttered as he ran his fingers over it.

“I thought you didn’t like the hoodie. If I recall correctly when we first met you said that hoodies were hideous and they hid away your beautiful figure.”

Roman flinched. He didn’t appreciate having his own words thrown at him but he deserved it.

“It’s not a fitting garment, I suspect we can agree on that. But… I’ve warmed up to the hoodies. As a concept.”

“Oh?” Talyn asked and raised their perfectly colored eyebrow.

They were wearing a smug face as well but Roman refused to get it get to him. He felt like everyone, except Virgil himself, had picked up on Roman’s interest. He was a bit obvious when he had a crush.

They ran through a couple more scattered scenes and songs just one final time before the afternoon performance for the test audience. The nerves were palpable in the air and Roman found it easier to handle now that he was surrounded by cast and crew who had the same emotions about it.

It was a sense of anticipation that they would finally get to show all that they had worked on. It was one last final test before the premiere.

Still, Roman hadn’t seen any glimpse of Virgil at all. He had been biting his tongue all day about his absence because no one else seemed to have noticed it or if they had, they had chosen not to say it out loud. He didn’t want to call attention to his awareness of Virgil more than he already had but with less than an hour until the musical would start, Roman sought out Thomas.

Unfortunately, he was speaking with Remy and Joan. Roman had already started walking towards them and he wouldn’t be able to turn around and wait until another moment without making it insanely awkward.

Remy’s words still stung, even if Virgil had managed to soothe over the pain with his reassurances. He wanted to talk to Virgil again. He wanted those words spoken to him again, instead of the way a memory of them were playing in the back of his mind. It was good but it wasn’t as good as the real thing.

“Roman,” Remy said with a smile and leaned forward a bit as he tipped down his sunglasses. “Good to see you.”

“Remy,” Roman said with a crude nod but then he pulled himself up to stand taller. He wasn’t going to be bested by a critic, no mater how acclaimed he might be. “I hope you enjoy the show today. I have been working hard with respecting Andrew’s character.”

Thomas and Joan froze a little and they looked uncomfortable for a beat until Remy let out a low chuckle.

“Happy to hear it. I’ll be watching you,” he said with a tilt of his head and excused himself from the conversation.

“What can we do for you, Roman?” Joan asked after the directors exchanged a shared glance.

“I… I wanted to know if any of you have seen Virgil?”

“Virgil?” Joan asked. “Why are you looking for him? He’s not… He shouldn’t-“

“It’s okay,” Thomas cut in and interrupted what sounded like the start of a ramble from Joan. “I don’t know if Virgil will be here, Roman. It’s entirely up to him.”

Roman moved his foot back and forth nervously. “I know he’s not a techie, Thomas.”

“Techie?” Joan asked, clearly amused. “No, he must certainly is not. What gave you that idea?”

Roman shrugged and tried to shrug off the sense of feeling stupid again. “I connected the wrong dots at first.”

“You really need to talk to him, Roman. Maybe not today because it’ll be a tough one for him but soon?” Thomas offered.

Roman nodded.

“We’ll keep an eye out for him and tell him that you’re looking for him if we see him,” Joan offered with a warm smile.

It wasn’t enough. Roman wanted to talk to Virgil about the character and the portrayal before he stepped out on the stage to perform but he was starting to see that it wouldn’t be the case. He was soon called to make-up and Dahlia was excellent at both her job and keeping Roman’s nerves at bay. She provided nice chatter that didn’t have anything to do with the musical or Virgil. It also helped that Roman stepped out of his chair and caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and he almost lost his footing.

He looked like Virgil. It was so clear for him. The dark eye shadow, the plain black hoodie that he was wearing for the first Act and the way his hair had been made to fall into his eyes and almost cover them.

He didn’t look like the stunning prince he often imagined himself as. No, he was someone else. He was Andrew as he clenched his jaw and dug his fingernails into the palms of his hands under the sleeves that had been pulled down. The glare in his eye was easily turned cold and ruthless.

He looked slightly terrifying and he was certainly not someone Roman would wish to meet in a dark alleyway. It was fascinating to know that even with how intimidating Andrew looked, he was still very much a softie on the inside.

He put up a cold and harsh façade to protect himself.

It wasn’t so unfamiliar with the way that Roman himself put on a smile and stood tall to convey confidence, even when he didn’t feel it genuinely.

They began to hear the audience taking their seats. The theater was only full to about a fourth of the capacity but it was still a bit nerve wracking to know that they would finally be performing for people with the show from start to finish.

They were still allowed to make little missteps in this one but ideally they should have everything sorted out by now. They were all in full costumes and Roman didn’t see Leo, Terrence, Valerie, Jo, Susan or any of the other actors that he had come to care for but instead he saw the characters they portrayed.

He saw the quirks from their costumes that had been stolen from the people that they were based on. A onesie swung around Terrence’s shoulders, like Patton had so often own his cardigan, a tie hanging around Valerie’s neck and spectacles to match Logan’s attire and Leo dressed in a purple graphic tee and his hair made as floofy as possible to match Thomas’.

It was quite a sight and Roman walked out onto the stage with a shared confidence. They had rehearsed the bits again and again and it was oddly reassuring to fit them all together in the right order.

It made it easier for him to act when he could follow his character’s chronological journey. It was also great to feel the energy from his fellow cast mates and they were all brilliant and it made all the shared argumentation, especially the emotional ones in the beginning, so easy.

Playing off each other was the most fun and Roman knew this was why he had missed and craved the stage. It was his home and these people had become his family. He was intending to make every single moment count.

He showed Andrew’s story as he pushed everyone away, as he fell into bad company and bad habits, as he realized he had been wrong about being unwanted and how he had started to fight back.

When it was time for the penultimate song, simply named _Anxiety_ , Roman took his time to stand slightly off center stage and hug himself tightly. It was the last time he would be alone on stage before it would transition into the final bit with the collective song and Andrew being joined by all his friends and family.

But before happiness could take over, Roman needed to share Andrew’s struggles. He needed to voice the stuff that had only been something you might have picked up on implicitly. He had never confessed it to anyone before.

It was the thing that had created those horrid whispers in his own head telling him that he wasn’t good enough or that he couldn’t go out or he couldn’t accomplish all of the things that he wanted to do.

Roman closed his eyes and he was genuinely so caught up in the moment that he hardly registered that he was lingering for longer than he was supposed to do. When he opened his eyes, he didn’t even see the audience in front of him. He was just imaging Virgil’s tentative smile, carefully opening up.

Roman cleared his throat from its tightness, silently thankful that his current emotions matched that required from his character in that moment. He opened his mouth and started singing.

 

_It’s something I’ve hidden for far too long_

_It’s stopped me feeling like I belong_

_But I see now that I had it all wrong_

_And I had people around me all along_

_With them at my side, I will be strong_

_Even if my struggle might be lifelong_

_I can control it if I remain headstrong_

_Me and my anxiety will learn to get along_

 

_When it’s not sheer glow and rainbows_

_Turn to a funny, light-hearted TV show_

_When it’s breaking down your foundations_

_Make positive, calming observations_

_When it’s it seems like you’re about to balk_

_Remember to use positive self-talk_

_When the future seem dark anyhow_

_Just try to focus on right now_

_When it might feel like actual death_

_Do take that fucking a deep breath_

_When it’s everything wrong with society_

_You must still accept you have anxiety_

_When you can’t stop seeing red_

_Realize that it’s all in your head_

_I need to heed my old friend’s advice_

_I’m done serving myself up for sacrifice_

_I need to stop putting my head in the sand_

_I’m done living in my personal no man’s land_

_I need to give up the protection of anger_

_I’m done with such a toxic anchor_

_I need to realize I have good people in my life_

_I’m done wielding that damned knife_

 

_I have anxiety_

_There’s nothing wrong with that_

_It’s something I can control_

_It is the thoughts I create, questions I ask, fears I have and nothing more_

_It’ll be back but I’ll be ready_

 

The closing monologue made Roman feel tears in the corner of his eyes, half out of relief. His voice might have shaken a little on the first words but it only grew stronger and stronger as he continued to speak.

He started to step back and retreat but he hadn’t been expecting the huge applause that had came from the audience. It was different than after the other songs. The quiet had lingered for a moment but then it had just erupted into loud appraisal.

Roman was almost certain that he saw a slightly smiling Virgil in the corner of his eye, behind the curtain but he couldn’t be certain because Terrence, Sam and Valerie came running out with the other actors only steps behind.

Roman found himself wrapped up in the hugest group hug and he let out a real sob.

Because Andrew felt the relief of the confession?

Because Roman was overwhelmed with the performance?

Because Virgil might have been watching and smiling?

Roman couldn’t be sure if it was one or the other but it was a very good feeling. The last few scenes and the closing song went by all too fast and Roman couldn’t believe it until the curtain fell and all of them started freaking out with each other as soon as they were out of sight.

They had performed the whole thing, with minimal errors and those that had happened had been styled away by improvisation. It had been a glorious run and the audience seemed to be in agreement because their applause just kept going, amplifying as the curtain lifted to allow the actors to go out and accept the praise.

There was no high like it. Roman felt like he could live purely on energy like this. It was intoxicating and Roman was ready to proclaim himself an addict. He couldn’t believe he got to do this again and again.

But it also wasn’t quite perfect yet.

Someone important was missing the celebrations. Roman had felt certain that he knew where Virgil would be, if he had been right in spotting him lurking in the corner. Virgil wouldn’t like the spotlight and he would retreat, probably to that damn backroom where he could sit on old speakers or crawl on rafters.

So instead of staying in the celebration, Roman dashed out to find the one person that most certainly deserved to be celebrating with them. This was Virgil’s story. He should be here to see it celebrated.

Blood was pumping around Roman’s veins and he felt like he might actually float. His steps were light and bouncy as he made his way to find Virgil.

It wasn’t like him to run away from celebrations but now that he knew about Virgil, it didn’t feel right to be there without at least looking for him first. He might also have been a bit curious as to what Virgil’s thoughts had been about Roman’s portrayal of Andrew.

He was an energy ball but he came to an abrupt halt when he spotted Virgil.

Of all the ways he had imagined Virgil looking when he saw Roman come for him, he certainly hadn’t expected that Virgil’s eyes wouldn’t even look his way.

He had expected Virgil to be alone, which wasn’t the case at all.

And just like Roman had been able to pick out traits from the real people in the costumes on the characters, he was able to do the reversed. The guy hovering in front of Virgil was wearing a skin jacket with a big snake on the back.

His back was all that Roman could see but it didn’t take him long to connect the dots that this had to be Dylan. What the hell the real Dylan was even doing here was beyond Roman’s comprehension.

“So I’m the villain in your story, huh? Must be nice. You were obviously the perfect friend to all those pushovers. You never hurt anyone with that tongue or yours.”

Sarcasm was dripping from real Dylan’s every word and Virgil was just staring right at him but the hard expression in his eyes started to fall away and he looked hurt.

“Hey!” Roman shouted, much louder than he had meant to, because he made Virgil flinch but he was still accustomed to speaking out to an audience for the past couple of hours.

The snake guy turned around and Roman noticed a scar running up his jaw that gave him a very menacing look to match the malicious glint in his eyes.

“Who do we have here? Prince Charming coming to rescue his damsel?”

Roman’s blood boiled. “Backstage is for cast, crew and friends only. You are neither of those.”

“Didn’t little Villy tell you? We’re old pals,” the guy said in a low and smooth voice. Virgil flinched behind him and he was now staring adamantly on the ground and his whole posture made it seem like he was a spring wound too tightly.

“You are not. Fuck off, or I’ll personally remove you,” Roman threatened and stepped up to the guy.

Real Dylan looked behind him to glance at Virgil. “Others are still fighting your battles, huh? I see I didn’t teach you anything.”

Virgil’s head snapped up and his eyes looked so incredibly sad. Roman wanted him to get mad and put this idiot in his place. But if Virgil wouldn’t become angry, then Roman certainly was on his behalf.

“You have clearly not been paying attention to the brilliant musical happening, dude. Reaching out for help is not a weakness. No one can do everything on their own. Virgil is no fucking damsel in distress either. Now, do I need to repeat myself?”

The scared guy smirked and Roman wanted nothing more than to slap the smug expression off his face. “He’s still just a lost kitten, even after all these years.”

Roman was about to argue more, but then he heard Virgil’s voice, small but firm.

“Get the fuck out of my life, Deceit. We were never fucking friends. You don’t even know what friendship _is_.”

“What? Did kitten suddenly grow some claws or are you trying to impress your boyfriend?” the guy asked, looking from Virgil to Roman. “That’s why you care, isn’t it? Is he good at obeying your orders in bed?”

Roman didn’t think. He just reached out and grabbed hold of the manipulator’s shoulder and shoved him away.

“I’m his _friend_ and I will not tell you again. Get the off the property or you will be removed with force,” Roman threatened.

“He’s not worth it,” the jacket-clad dude scoffed as he finally started walking toward the exit.

“Your _opinion_ is worthless. You heard him. Get the fuck out of his life. How many times does he need to tell you that? Your shit of a misguide?” Roman asked, quoting part of the lyric where Andrew finally pushed back against Dylan.

He didn’t seem to have a witty reply to that one and he turned around on his heel and stormed out. As soon as Roman was sure that he had actually left and he wasn’t going to come running back, he turned around to find that Virgil had sunk down to his knees and his whole body was shaking.

His breathing was labored and he looked like he might crumble at the slightest noise. He looked horribly fragile and Roman hated that the idiotic liar had managed to send Virgil spiraling like that.

He wasn’t sure what to do because despite having looked up anxiety as it was one of the themes in the musical, it still didn’t prepare him for seeking it happen to someone he cared about.

“He’s right,” Virgil was mumbling, through labored breaths. “I’m horrible. They hate me.”

Roman so fucking desperately wanted to wrap Virgil up in his arms but he wasn’t sure that Virgil wouldn’t react well to it. But he did get down on his knees and he moved carefully closer.

If Virgil’s mind were repeating the lies, then Roman would be happy to act as a counterpart.

“He’s a pathological liar, Virgil. You’re strong, bright and good. Your friends love you so much.”

Virgil looked up, tears silently gathering in the corners of his eyes as his breathing came out ragged. He was shaking his head, like he was trying to shake off something, but Roman didn’t know if he was trying to shake his own self-deprecating words or the ones that Roman had offered him.

“I…. I don’t… You…”

Virgil couldn’t get a proper word out anymore.

Roman felt utterly helpless.

“Tell me what to do. Anything. Get help? Thomas? Water? Anything?” he asked cautiously, not moving in his spot. “And don’t worry about me. I’m here for you. You hear? Whatever you need. I’ll do it.”

When Virgil didn’t move or reply for a full minute, Roman started to retreat. He slowly started to move back, intending to find Thomas, who might have the most experience handling Virgil in what looked like a panic attack.

It was odd seeing one happening because he could clearly see that something wasn’t right with the way that Virgil was breathing and how he was rocking back and forth a little. He would also wager that his nails were currently making indents in his palms. Every breath sounded like a battle and they were coming out way too fast.

But other than that, he didn’t show anything to indicate the turmoil that must be going on inside of his head.

Roman was almost ready to get to his feet when a hand shot out and locked around Roman’s wrist.

Virgil’s hands were cold and his grip was tight enough to know that he meant the touch but Roman could also easily have wrestled out of it if he had wanted to do so. He didn’t move and he watched how Virgil’s eyes darted back and forth, up to Roman for a beat before turning toward his own lap.

“Stay,” he forced out hoarsely. “Just here. Give me. Minute.”

Virgil didn’t let go of Roman’s wrist and Roman didn’t move a muscle. He did try to focus on his own breathing, making it deep in a hope that it would rub off on Virgil’s rapid one that couldn’t calm down.

It was one thing singing about it but it was something different to see it up close and personal.

Virgil had sounded worried, like Roman might have been judging him but that was the furthest thought on his mind in the moment. He was in awe. He couldn’t help but admire how Virgil battled to keep himself calm, both in the confrontation and now that the aftereffects were hitting him. At the same time, he hated that this was happening to Virgil and he wanted desperately that he was able to call on a fairy godmother or something who could take this pain away from him.

With each breath Virgil looked like he was regaining control. He brought himself back from a blind panic.

Roman cursed that bully for belittling Virgil and putting him down.

He was a liar and the opposite was true. Virgil was brave for sharing his story, flaws and struggles laid bare, and he was strong for battling both bullies and his mind.

Virgil’s breathing finally returned to somewhat normal levels and he looked up to catch Roman’s eyes and Roman had never quite seen them so unguarded. His lips tugged into a small and gentle smile, insecure but strong all the same.

Roman might have liked Virgil for a considerable amount of time but in that second, Roman felt as if his heart tumbled out of his chest and ran right into Virgil’s shaking hands. He knew that he could do nothing to get it back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of self-harm (very brief), general talk of anxiety, panic attack viewed from the outside, Deceit Sanders
> 
> Sorry for delaying the chapter a whole week! I've been in a bit of a tough spot lately and getting stuff written has been a bit of a challenge. However, this is the longest chapter yet (over 7k) so I hope that makes up for it a little. I've been so excited to have Deceit make an appearance and I wonder how many of you correctly identified him as Dylan in the musical? I know a few of you picked up on it. I debated whether or not having him show up was a good idea. I wanted Virgil to face off against him but at the same time, I wanted to show a more realistic interaction between a manipulator and their victim. It's not easy to speak against them and you still need your support system. It was also fun to write out one of the journal entries and finally be able to show a bit of Virgil's perspective that way. I hope you liked this penultimate chapter!
> 
> A question for you: What would you call the musical? You might have picked up on the fact that it is has never been named in the story. Suggestions are very welcome!
> 
> I hope to get the final chapter up within a week but I'm done making exact promises when my upload schedule has flown out of the window for weeks on end. But as soon as possible, I promise you that. EDIT: I am still working on the chapter but I'm also doing nanowrimo and tackling exams, so I can't say exactly when it will be ready but I will not abandon this work without its final chapter.


	13. Side by Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was finally time for the premiere night and after what had happened the night before Roman was more eager than ever to impress Virgil and make him trust and open up to him. And if he is lucky, he might just be able to find something he loves as much as being in the spotlight. 
> 
> *It's been 84 years but the last chapter is finally here.*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Song No. 12** \- _Side by Side_ \- Sung by Andrew, Sam, Lena, Morgan, Fiona and other friends

“Heh...”

“What?”

“I like your hoodie.”

“You would, wouldn’t you?”

It was enough to break the tension between the two of them. They were still sitting on the floor and Virgil’s hand was still wrapped around Roman’s wrist. He hadn’t noticed before but now he felt how Virgil’s fingers were pressed tightly against his pulse.

Virgil looked shy and a bit embarrassed and Roman wanted to say something to lighten the mood and clear the air but he was incredibly worried about putting his foot in his mouth, like he so often did around Virgil.

He’s brain also felt like it wasn’t operating at full capacity. He had left a lot, almost all, of his energy out there on the stage and he was coming down from the adrenalin high. Virgil also hadn’t removed his hand and Roman couldn’t shake the aching feeling in his chest when he looked at the boy who had claimed his heart without trying.

It was a bit unnerving and Roman felt like a fumbling idiot.

“When did you figure it out?” Virgil asked in a hushed voice.

“Last night,” Roman said.

“Took you long enough,” Virgil retorted with a teasing edge in his voice.

Roman was caught off guard by the tone but it was much better to hear him like that, instead of trying to draw in breaths at an unhealthy pace.

He had so many questions, about his anxiety, about real Dylan, about the secrecy, about everything, but he wasn’t sure that now was the time to ask any of them. Not after what Virgil had just gone through.

“You’re quiet. Why are you quiet? You’re never quiet. Snake got your tongue?” Virgil asked.

He was talking more than usual, so Roman figured it meant that he might be nervous and he made himself speak cautiously.

“I’m worried about saying the wrong thing.”

“I’m not going to break,” Virgil grumbled and suddenly pulled back his hand with force.

Roman already regretted opening his mouth.

“Not because of the… the thing. Just, I always say the wrong thing to you,” he said and decided that honesty might be the best policy here, especially as a contrast to the lies Virgil had just been made to listen to.

“Oh,” he said, softly and surprised. “Right. And… I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have had to see that. I’m sorry that I asked you to stay and-“

“Hey,” Roman said, cutting Virgil off both with his words and a carefully placed hand on Virgil’s shoulder. “I don’t mind. I meant every word I said. I would do whatever I could to help you. I just wasn’t sure what that would be. It’s different seeing it, instead of just reading about it.”

As soon as Roman had said it, he cringed himself and he wanted to take the words back but Virgil didn’t look angry or sad like Roman had expected.

“I didn’t want to give you the pages, but you kept pushing for them, Roman.”

It was what Roman did. He pushed. He fought for everything he wanted with a fierce passion. It was usually easy, to pursue stuff, or objectives, or his dreams, or people who clearly wanted to be chased. He wanted Virgil but he wasn’t sure he would like being chased.

The moment scattered between them when Dominic walked in on the two of them sitting on the floor. He frowned for a second and looked surprised but he didn’t comment on it.

“You two joining the celebrations?” he simply asked.

Roman should have known that his absence would be noticed and he supposed that it was blessing that it had taken them this long. He could have used a bit of backup when he had been dealing with that guy - what had Virgil called him? Deceit? – but at the same time he cherished every moment he got alone with Virgil.

“Yes,” Roman said and started to get to his feet. He was faster than Virgil and when he reached out a hand to help him get up, he was almost certain that Virgil would make some sly comment about not needing help or he would scowl at him. He did neither.

He simply took the offered help and got to his feet with a neutral expression on his face.

“Great,” Dominic replied. “I’ll see you in a moment.”

Roman was ready to walk out right after him because he had felt how Virgil had pulled back up his walls after the interruption and he knew he wouldn’t get answers to any of his burning questions at the moment.

Still, as he started to pull towards the door, he felt something else pulling him back towards the center of the room. Virgil was tugging on his sleeve, in much the same fashion that the action seemed to tug on Roman’s heart. He halted his steps and turned around immediately.

“I’m going to head off,” Virgil said.

Roman felt disappointment wash over him but he tried to shove it away. For once, Virgil wasn’t just disappearing. He was telling Roman before leaving and it was a huge improvement.

Somehow that knowledge still didn’t stop him from whining.

“What? No! You should be there! Your friends are all so proud of you. You must have heard the applause! Everyone loved your story.”

Virgil looked downright flustered at the compliment and he withdrew his hand slowly while eying Roman.

“Err… yeah. I… It’s cool. It’s just that I need… some time. To be alone. Process. Everything.”

Roman knew he was frowning and unable to hide his disappointment but when he realized he tried to morph the expression into a supportive smile. He was pretty sure it just looked like a horrifying grimace, if Virgil’s low chuckle was any indication.

“I understand,” Roman said, even if he didn’t really understand.

He couldn’t. He didn’t have the personal experience with old trauma or panic attacks or any of it. He could only imagine what it must be like.

But he did understand that he didn’t understand it and it made him capable of recognizing that he would just have to accept any ways of dealing with it at face value.

If Virgil said he needed something, whether that be time or space, Roman could understand that he should be granted that.

“Thanks,” Virgil said and scuffed his shoe on the floor. “But you have fun. Party for the both of us?”

Roman nodded. “Okay. But Virgil?”

“Yes?”

“Will you be here tomorrow morning?”

“You’re not called in until noon,” Virgil said, clearly picking up on the question that Roman was dancing around already. He had always been the perceptive sort.

“I miss our mornings,” Roman confessed. “I miss seeing that bag of yours adorned with patches in the corner of the dressing room and knowing you’d be lurking around.”

Roman toyed with one of the patches on his hoodie’s arm as he spoke.

“I don’t lurk,” Virgil argued but his voice wasn’t cold and sharp like usual. It was softer and warmer.

“You do,” Roman shot back.

Virgil shook his head and he was clearly fighting a smile.

“I’ll see you tomorrow morning, Roman.”

He made his way out of the other entrance with only a nod as a farewell. It was okay though. Roman was still trying to process everything that had happened as well. The questions returned to the forefront of his mind but now really weren’t the time for it, so he bit his lip and went back to party with his fellow cast mates and the crew.

They had plenty of things to celebrate.

Roman was embraced, and even given a few cheek kisses, when he returned. It brought back the big smile on his face and he pushed aside his worry for Virgil. He had promised to have fun and he would damn well have fun.

Virgil had seemed relatively okay. Roman would have to trust him that.

Patton had baked a whole cake, which was layered and when you cut into it, it revealed a rainbow arranged in the order of the pride flag. Everyone was munching when Roman returned and he greedily grabbed a piece too.

It was delicious and he made sure to send his compliments to the baker. He had already complimented Patton’s baking skills, when he had turned up with a tray of freshly baked cookies within the hour like he had promised in the dressing room that morning.

A lot of people that Roman hadn’t known before had made it backstage, but he quickly identified them as family or friends as well as a couple of critics, including Remy who made it a point to single out Roman.

He was a little nervous that he was about to get a verbal feedback that had matched Remy’s notes and he hastily stuffed another piece of cake in his mouth, so he didn’t babble out something because of his nerves.

“Roman Prince,” Remy said and removed his sunglasses. He was squinting slightly and appraising Roman who squirmed a little under his intense gaze.

“What?”

“You surprised me and you completely out-did the expectations I had for you. Your portrayal of Andrew was honest, raw and emotional. You weren’t scared of looking bad. You brought up Andrew’s hostility and adverse attitude to the spotlight. At the same time, your voice brought a whole other level to his words and tormented thoughts. You’re once to watch, Prince.”

Roman wasn’t happy to say that the praise surprised him so much that his mouth fell open and apiece of half-chewed cake tumbled out and back on his plate. Remy took it with a laugh and Roman couldn’t even feel too mortified because Remy’s words had made him so happy.

With all the Virgil confusion, he had actually forgotten a bit about his dreams of this role becoming a stepping-stone to the next and bigger thing. In fact, it had gradually moved further and further away from his mind. It had never fully disappeared but it hadn’t been the top priority anymore.

This role of Andrew, the Timber Theater and the family he had found here had taken that priority. He could only hope that he would get more awesome work in the future but he didn’t want to waste away living in this moment by focusing too hard on the future.

Andrew was an important role and he was happy to be playing him for the next few months at least.

“Thank you, Remy. Andrew has become quite dear to me,” Roman replied.

“I could imagine. He’s a bit of a firecracker,” Remy said with a wink and put back on his sunglasses and went out to socialize.

Roman smiled brightly as he watched the people he cared about having fun and celebrating a good first run. They would disperse soon because the real celebration would come tomorrow but for now, it was quite nice to just have a little moment to acknowledge what they had done.

Roman also immensely enjoyed getting to meet everyone’s friends and family and he knew he would have to book his own some tickets now that he wasn’t so damn nervous anymore. He would like for them to see what he could do and that pursuing a career as a performer hadn’t been a bad life choice.

He slept soundly and deeply once he finally returned home to his apartment. He was out like a light the moment that his head hit the pillow and he dreamed both of the sound of applause as they had finished the performance and Virgil’s vulnerable, open and mesmerizing eyes. Both seemed to compete for Roman’s dream attention and he couldn’t even be mad. In the moment he wasn’t quite sure which one was the most important right now.

Performing on stage had always Roman’s big love. He didn’t see that fading away any time soon. He lived and breathed to perform. It gave his life purpose.

But perhaps his heart was expanding to let another love into his life. He had always dreamed of falling in love with someone who would make him feel like he did when he was performing.

Virgil had the potential to be just that.

Whenever they spoke together, Roman felt like all of his very being was standing at attention. He felt an adrenalin rush when he saw Virgil smile. He wanted to spend all his available time with the mysterious poet.

Despite being bone exhausted when he collapsed into bed, he woke up early before his alarm and he didn’t even hang around in bed and scrolled through his phone. He just tumbled out of bed and got dressed immediately. He almost reached for his hair products, as he would usually never leave the house without trying to tame it but on a whim he decided to forego it, just for today. He would be in make-up in the afternoon anyway. It felt a little weird and he felt a bit self-conscious about how floofy his hair was as he ran his hands through it while looking in the rearview mirror.

He looked less put-together. It was nowhere near the vulnerability that Virgil had shared with him the night before but it was something Roman could do to try to even the playing field a little. If he were lucky that something eventually happened between them, then it would be domestic and endearing for Virgil to see him without styled hair. Roman would normally apply light skin make-up while driving in the car but he didn’t get out his powder today either. His mind was daydreaming of a future where he and Virgil could be tumbling out of bed, bedhead, squinty eyes and sleepy clothes. He was getting ahead of himself and he shot down the fantasy but it left him with calmness in his chest.

But it was stupid to get his hopes high. Him and Virgil had just barely made it into friend territory and it had taken a lot of time and effort. Virgil might not even want to be anything more with Roman. That thought stung a little and the sting was still present when Roman pulled up to the parking lot and into his usual spot.

He rested his head on top of the steering wheel and tried to calm his emotions again. He was just a romantic at heart and he had been chasing after the guy for over a month. He couldn’t help but get emotionally invested after such a long time. However, he didn’t want to overstep any boundaries with Virgil. The last thing he would want was to hurt him, so he would accept, not happily but at least graciously, if Virgil wanted nothing more than friendship.

Roman could deduce that he was a great friend anyway and he just wanted to make sure that he got to keep Virgil in his life.

Virgil wasn’t in the dressing room but his backpack was thrown into its usual corner. Roman’s eyes had gravitated towards it by habit so he easily noticed the little note perched on top of it in a very messy scrawl.

 

_Meet you on the stage – V_

 

It was short and impersonal but Roman couldn’t help but feel endeared anyway. He really was too far-gone. The note was slightly crumbled and Roman imagined how Virgil might have written it before leaving his home and just sticking it in a pocket for the journey.

It was also an invitation. Roman’s heart rate picked up. He was still brimming with questions about Virgil’s motivations for keeping his identity hidden for such a long time, even after he sent over those damn pages. It had been bugging him more than he was willing to admit that Virgil wasn’t able to trust him with his identity.

The stage was dark like before, just the ghost light illuminating the stage in a muted lighting. It created a very specific atmosphere. Roman felt his heart start to race more as he spotted Virgil.

He wasn’t in one of his huge hoodies that hid most of his body today. He was just in jeans and a loose T-shirt. It hung nicely on his frame and it made Virgil seem bigger somehow now that he didn’t look like he was drowning in his clothes. He was wringing his hands slightly but offered a small smile to Roman as he spotted him.

“I like your shirt,” Roman said with a crooked smile.

“I like your hair,” Virgil countered and walked to close the distance between them. As soon as Virgil came into Roman’s space, Roman sucked in a breath and didn’t dare to move while Virgil, with the most gentle movement ever, brushed Roman’s bangs out of his face. Virgil’s eyes shot down and he looked slightly embarrassed and it looked like his cheeks got tinted pink, ever so slightly. He stepped back and Roman could breathe again.

He really wanted to speak to Virgil about this thing between them. He was slightly worried that it was just all in his head but he had been pretty blatant with how he had constantly tired to seek out Virgil’s company, hadn’t he? Surely, Virgil would have been able to pick up on all of those hints.

Virgil coughed into his hand and the tension broke a little.

“I take it you have questions?” he asked, softly.

Roman did. He had been ready to explode with questions since he had found out and he should have jumped at the chance to finally get them answered. However, now that he was standing in front of Virgil, the urgency melted away a little.

He was still curious but he didn’t want to talk about it if it made Virgil uncomfortable.

“I do,” Roman said truthfully.

Virgil let out a little strained sigh.

“But only if you feel up for talking about it all.”

“ _It all_?”

“The secret identity, the story of the musical, the reason why you didn’t tell me…” Roman listed softly. “But I don’t want to push if-“

“I already told you,” Virgil said, his voice guarded. “I’m not fragile. I can handle questions, Roman.”

Roman winced. Foot in mouth yet again. Maybe he was dreaming when he thought that they could work together. He had always enjoyed people he would talk and even argue with because they made life exciting but maybe Virgil didn’t want that type of conflict in his life.

“I just mean-“

“I hate when people are being fake-considerate.”

“I’m not being fake!” Roman exclaimed, voice loud and echoing throughout the empty theater. “I’m trying to respect your boundaries like a good friend. Of course, I’m curious about why you didn’t trust me enough to tell me who you were, especially as we got talking and I had to _play_ you. I’m the last person that you should have kept in the dark about this. I wouldn’t have told anyone, Virgil.”

“I wasn’t worried about that,” Virgil snarled. “I just didn’t want you to know.”

“Why?” Roman asked, stomping into Virgil’s personal space this time.

It was a world of different from the soft moment of Virgil playing with Roman’s hair that had passed just before. They tended to be like that, heated and soft blended together seamlessly. Roman found it exciting and even as Virgil was almost growling Roman couldn’t wipe the smile from his face. They were hashing things out and that had been long overdue.

“Because you’re _you_. From the moment I met you, I knew what type of person you’d be. I knew what you’d think of Andrew, of me, and I was right. You didn’t like the character. Excuse me if I wasn’t jumping at the chance to reveal myself to you!”

Roman could feel Virgil’s breath on his face and he wanted so desperately to lean across and catch his lips in a kiss. It wouldn’t solve anything but he felt like it might change stuff between them for the better. Roman was tried of the lies and secrecy and he wanted to be open with his affections, more than he had done already.

“I might have thought that,” Roman admitted and he spoke loudly even if he still managed to sound sheepish. “But I changed my mind. Your story made me understand that I was mistaken, alright?”

Roman stepped back enough to cross his arms and glare at Virgil like a defiant child. He hated admitting his shortcomings but it was something he had told that he needed to work on before.

Virgil seemed to deflate a little. Roman was pointedly staring off into the distance but he could hear Virgil taking deep breaths.

“I never thought you’d admit to being wrong,” Virgil said. His voice was quiet but it still seemed loud in the big empty theater. It cut right into Roman.

He let out a grumble but he didn’t manage to produce any words. His words never really helped him out with Virgil anyway.

“Are you upset?” Virgil asked and his tone sounded like it was caught between being mocking and being genuinely worried.

Roman didn’t know what to make of it. He wanted to snap and shout that of course he was upset at not being included. He hated feeling like he wasn’t part of the group and like he didn’t fit in with them and all their inside jokes. He was in despair over…

Oh.

Roman realized that must have been how Virgil felt back in college, even if it had all been in his head and that his friends had tried to include him. Did it make it less horrible that it was his brain whispering lies to him? Not really. It was hugely uncomfortable either way, and Roman suspected that the added layer of potentially knowing you were responsible for your own misery might make it cut an even deeper wound.

“I’m not,” Roman replied, and his jaw flexed.

“You look upset,” Virgil remarked, snide remarks back in his voice as he narrowed his eyes and observed Roman. He was crossing his arms now too and Roman noticed how they flexed across his chest.

“I am,” Roman stated. “But I’m also not. If playing Andrew has taught me anything, it is that I don’t know the struggles people go through. They can be invisible but still deadly. But Virgil, I’m still also human. I’m a little rash and maybe a tad dramatic-“

“Only a tad?”

“Shut up,” Roman said, but his voice was light because Virgil had interrupted with a smirk on his lips and Roman could tell it was in good faith, “a tad dramatic and my emotions go all over the place. I’ve been trying to talk to you literally since I ran into you and you have been avoiding me at every corner.”

“So why didn’t you stop trying to ‘befriend’ me,” Virgil said and he did actual clumsy air quotes with his hands. It was adorable, even if Roman kept that observation to himself. He didn’t need to get another round of snark right now, not when Virgil’s voice remained soft as he spoke.

“I wanted to know you,” Roman said.

“But I’m not a good friend. I was rude and harsh towards you. You shouldn’t seek out people who make you miserable, Roman. It’s not healthy.”

It sounded like a warning and it was also extremely self-deprecating. Roman wouldn’t stand for that.

“I kept going,” Roman said and dropped his arms and stepped closer to Virgil, “because I like talking to you. You’re interesting and I could tell that you were opening up more and more each time. Enjoying it a little more. When I see something I want, I go after it with everything I’ve got.”

Roman didn’t imagine how Virgil gulped or how his eyes scanned over Roman’s face. Roman wasn’t sure what he was looking for but he just tried to look as earnest as possible.

“I was scared to tell you, Roman. This whole thing scares me so much. Those poems were just a way to cope with everything. I never meant for it to turn into a story, let alone a fucking musical. It isn’t a raw wound anymore but that doesn’t mean that tearing at the scar tissue doesn’t hurt like a bitch. It felt safer to pretend that this wasn’t my story.”

“Did you not want to share it?” Roman asked carefully, as he tried to catch Virgil’s eyes that he kept on directing at the floor. Roman’s hand itched to reach forward and catch Virgil by the elbow but he didn’t move a muscle.

“Not at first. But everyone… my friends kept talking about how it was such a powerful story and that it could help people. And I… I wanted to help others going through a similar thing. Maybe, if I had heard a story like mine when I was younger then I would have been better prepared to handle it before I almost slipped into the deep end, you know?”

“I do,” Roman said and nodded. “And that is exactly what it is doing and it will be doing night after night. I just know it, Virgil. You’re not the villain but you’re not a classic hero either. You’re human. You’re real and that’s more powerful that any cardboard cutout knight in shining armor who never knew real struggles.”

Roman had always admired those dashing heroes, riding in and slaying the beasts with relative ease. But he meant what he said because the story of a protagonist that made real and sometimes horrible mistakes was more realistic. People were flawed and they could sabotage themselves.

“I would think you got all mushy over a knight in shining armor,” Virgil teased and finally looked up to meet Roman’s eyes.

“Maybe I’m starting to realize what it means to have shiny armor,” Roman pondered. “Their armor is perfect, untouched and glorious but it haven’t stood the test of battle, has it then? So give me battle-worn and dented armor instead.”

“You’re a big nerd, you know that?” Virgil said.

It was an insult but it was said with a smile on his lips and sparkles in his eyes. Roman could get used to hearing insults like that on a daily basis. Roman slowly leaned closer.

They were just looking at each other and both of them were so preoccupied that they didn’t notice someone approaching until Thomas pulled aside the curtain and stepped out.

“Oh! Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt,” he apologized quickly.

Virgil looked away and hung his head a little, like he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t have.

“No worries, my good man,” Roman said with a bright smile to mask his disappointment that they had been interrupted. “Virgil and I were just going over Andrew’s character portrayal.”

Thomas looked to Virgil with a question in his eyes and Virgil did a quick nod. “Yeah, he knows.”

Thomas’ smile was wide and genuine. “Great. I’m glad you decided to tell him.”

Virgil shook his head. “He figured it out on his own.”

“Oh,” Thomas said and looked a little unsure.

“But everything is okay,” Roman assured him with a quick glance in Virgil’s direction. “We good?”

This time when he looked at Virgil he let his eyes linger until Virgil nodded and shot him a little smile.

“Great!” Roman exclaimed and clapped. “But seeing you reminds me, who do we talk to about upping security for backstage access tonight?”

“Security?” Thomas asked confused. “Why?”

Roman looked back at Virgil and he was surprised to see Virgil look utterly uncomfortable. Thomas was Virgil’s best friend. Surely, he had told them that real Dylan stopped by last night? Roman hadn’t said anything about it because he wanted to respect Virgil’s privacy and prerogative to break the news but he hadn’t doubted that Virgil would have filled people in on it.

“The snake stopped by yesterday and cornered me backstage,” Virgil admitted quietly.

Roman had never seen anyone move so fast as Thomas when he rushed over to pull Virgil into a tight hug. A little envy surged into Roman because he couldn’t help but wish that he could show Virgil affection so easily and have it be accepted.

“I’m okay, Thomas,” Virgil said and tapped him on his back. “You’re choking me here.”

Thomas reluctantly pulled back the hug but he kept his hands on Virgil’s arms.

“I’ll talk to everyone to make sure it doesn’t happen again, Virgil.”

Virgil shrugged a little. “It was okay. I… I ended up telling him to get the fuck out of my life after Roman came to my… aid.”

Now it was Roman who was wrapped up in one of Thomas Sanders’ famous hugs.

“Thank you,” Thomas whispered into his ears.

“Virgil did most of the work,” Roman said and looked over Thomas’ shoulder to Virgil who watched them carefully. “He was amazing.”

Virgil rolled his eyes. None of them mentioned that panic attack that had followed Deceit’s appearance.

“I’m here if you need to talk, okay?” Thomas said to Virgil after he let go of Roman. “No matter what I’m doing. Just come grab me, or Roman. I’ll make sure we keep an eye on the doors tonight.”

Virgil nodded and he looked like a weight had been listed off his shoulders. “I was going to tell you, Thomas. I just hadn’t collected myself yet.”

“Hey, it’s okay. You know that. You tell me how much or how little you want. Just know that I’m here no matter what you need, yeah?” Thomas said and squeezed Virgil’s arm. “I have to run through these papers but catch you later?”

Thomas moved down to the front of the stage and moved to the front row of the audience while he started going over the papers in his hand that he had nearly dropped with all the hugs going around.

“See why I feel so horrible for everyone knowing that I hurt literal sunshine Sanders like I did back in college? I’m a bad friend,” Virgil mumbled, quietly, so only Roman could hear.

“I get why you’re scared about it but you’re not a bad friend. Thomas wouldn’t still be your friend if you were. And even the sun gets hidden behind clouds at times. No one is the best friend all the time.”

“More metaphors?” Virgil snorted.

“Hey, if the shoe fits. But seriously? I’m glad you have someone like him in your life.”

“He’s your friend now too. Don’t think he’d let you go now, not even after this production is finished. Everyone on the cast and crew are close. Most of the people here is my chosen family, I suppose. You’re part of it too now.”

Virgil said all of it nonchalantly but Roman could hear the important sentiment under it.

“Can I give you a hug?” he asked, feeling the itch to reach out and touch Virgil come over him strongly again.

Virgil shot him a little side-eye like he was weird for asking but he slowly opened his arms and Roman swooped right in and gave him a good proper hug. He wanted to linger in it and savor the moment but he didn’t want to push Virgil’s boundaries too far.

He was surprised when he felt that Virgil was still holding on slightly when Roman tried to pull back. Instantly, the pressure against his back dropped and when Virgil stepped back he looked a little embarrassed.

Roman needed to ease the tension a little.

“I knew it. You’re secretly a good hugger,” he said and nudged Virgil’s arm with his elbow.

“Shut up,” Virgil said but it was just as non-threatening like last time.

“Never.”

Roman wanted to stay and talk to Virgil but more of the cast and crew would be arriving soon and Virgil excused himself. Roman wanted to ask where he was going but he caught himself before he blurted it out. He was rewarded with his effort when Virgil turned back to him and shyly admitted that he had an appointment with his therapist. Roman made sure to voice his approval to ensure that Virgil didn’t feel weird about revealing such personal stuff.

He was called a dork this time around but he didn’t mind one bit.

The morning and afternoon seemed to fly by as people started to arrive and everyone was getting ready for the big premiere night. They had already showed it for an audience now but this time it would be an actual audience and not just friends, family and the press. It was a big deal but Roman felt comfortable that it would go well. They had rehearsed so much over the past month and he felt more connected to his character than ever. The songs were beautiful and empowering and Roman couldn’t wait to play alongside his cast of talented mates. He remembered how different it felt to stand beside them now, than getting into the room of potential cast mates during the audition. Back then he had secretly been hoping that no one shined too brightly but right now in this moment that mentality washed away.

He did still want to be the star of the show but maybe he didn’t need to command the spotlight at all times for that to happen. He wanted to see everyone get their chance to shine as well because they were a talented bunch and they deserved to be up on the stage just as much as Roman did.

Virgil still hadn’t returned, or he was back to lurking around in the shadows, by the time everyone was called to find their places and get ready. But Roman was confident that Virgil would be back before curtain call and he instead focused on pouring everything into Andrew to portray his story credibly in a way that would honor the real person behind it.

He felt like his performance went even better than the night before. He felt more competent and the lies flowed easier from his lips than ever before. He had made a connection with his character that he hadn’t been able to achieve before.

The moment in the play that Roman could now properly recognize as the run-up to a panic attack, he could portray the dread of that massive loss of control. It strained his whole body but he let it twist him around. He had never felt more at home than on the stage.

By the time they reached the intermission he was feeling caught between being drained and being pumped up to show the second half of the musical where Andrew started to change his ways. In Roman’s mind, Andrew in the first Act wasn’t an accurate description of the character as a whole but rather it showed him in a very specific mindset that he would soon recognize as toxic and move away from.

Everyone in the audience was clapping and every cast member behind the stage were wearing big smile. Roman looked around in an attempt to spot Virgil but he was nowhere to be seen. He tried to hide his frown but he didn’t succeed very well. He wanted Virgil’s opinion on his performance so badly.

His frown was wiped from his face when Patton came running up to him and wrapped him up in a hug and literally spun him around. Patton might not look like a very strong dude in his soft cardigan but it was always like he got extra strong when he was showing affections to his friends.

“You did brilliantly, Roman!” Patton said, spinning him around and then reluctantly setting him down to the ground again. “You sounded and looked exactly like him. It was actually a little scary to see him be so mean again. Our poor little anxious baby is doing so much better now.”

“Have you seen him anywhere?” Roman asked and Patton quirked his head to the side in a questioning manner. “Virgil?” Roman clarified.

“Oh! So you know! Wonderful. I hate secrets. They never lead to anything good. You should always tell the truth.”

“Well, radical honesty isn’t always the best approach either,” Logan said as he walked up to join them. Upon spotting his fiancé, Patton immediately interlocked their arms and leaned his head on Logan’s shoulder.

Roman would have expected Logan to pull away slightly, as he never really seemed to appreciate public displays of affections but he just smiled and leaned a little into Patton’s frame. It seemed that Patton was very good at reading his partner’s signals.

Roman felt a little envious but it was quickly overshadowed by happiness for his friends. They were so close and they knew each other so well. Roman wanted to have something like that as well. He wanted to be able to lean into his love’s side and just share a quick fond glance that said more than words ever could.

“Are you sad?” Patton asked suddenly, instantly sounding worried.

Roman wiped the presumably sad-looking expression of his face. “No, I’m just a little tired and emotional. It’s been a long day and getting into Andrew’s mindset is a little tough for the first half.”

It wasn’t a lie but it wasn’t pointing out his envy either but Roman didn’t want to confess that quite so blatantly.

“Well,” Logan said carefully. “I do feel the need to comment on your performance so far tonight. You seem even closer connected to the character. It undoubtedly has to do with you finally figuring out the mystery author. Thomas told me. The way you have incorporated the Virgil’s mannerism into tonight’s performance is astonishing. You must know him very well.”

“Really? I don’t think I do,” Roman admitted.

“I’ve never seen Virgil open up to someone like he has you and in such a short time. The first few months that I knew him, I could hardly get him to talk at all. He would listen to me and offer polite smiles but it took me ages for him to be comfortable confiding in me,” Patton said. “You on the other hand got him talking right away. He couldn’t stop talking about you after you met.”

“What? Seriously?” Roman asked.

“Yes, indeed,” Logan confirmed. “Of course, it should be mentioned that a large majority of his talk of you was in the form of complaints.”

“But!” Patton interjected. “He always grumbles about things he can’t understand or doesn’t want to like for whatever silly reason. Remember when I got him that Christmas jumper that he was sure he would hate and he spent days ranting about it before eventually caving and then he wore it for a week straight.”

“He has proven reluctant to new presences in his life. But for what it is worth, I never thought he would allow anyone outside of Thomas and Joan to read his journal pages,” Logan said.

“Wait, you guys haven’t seen them?” Roman asked in wonder. He was sure that they must have. Logan was the one who had given him the pages. Roman wasn’t sure if he could have resisted taken a peek but of course, noble Logan would have been able to resist the temptation.

But the question remained. Why didn’t Virgil want to share those words with some of his closest friends?  Thomas and Joan were the writers of the musical and their involvements with the pages made perfect sense but no one else had seen them?

Roman suddenly felt honored and special, like Virgil had chosen to share something very private with him. Roman might have been nagging to get them but Virgil was a stubborn individual and he wouldn’t have given in unless he wanted to. He had wanted to give Roman the pages.

The intermission passed too quickly, especially since Roman spent a good ten minutes walking around the backstage area in an attempt to locate Virgil.

“What are you doing?” Joan asked Roman as he was glancing around the clearly empty backroom Roman had been in yesterday when he had walked in on Virgil and Deceit.

He still didn’t know the snake’s real name but he didn’t feel the need to know it. If he had a full name he couldn’t promise that he wouldn’t stop by his address and give the liar a stern talking to, so it was probably the best that he didn’t know how to find him.

Virgil wasn’t a damsel in distress and he didn’t need Roman to fight his battles. They both knew that.

“I’m just looking around for Virgil,” Roman explained.

“Oh, he’s outside.”

“Outside?” Roman asked in surprised.

“Yes, door to the parking lot. He’s not in a talking mood though, so consider yourself warned.”

“Thanks,” Roman said and tapped Joan on the shoulder. He moved past the other director to the door he walked through during the morning and he did find Virgil leaning against the wall, in yet another of his gigantic hoodies.

“Hey,” Roman said quietly.

Virgil didn’t move a muscle to signify that he had heard him, so Roman was a little surprised when he spoke.

“You’re doing it more authentically tonight,” Virgil commented, his voice distant and void of emotions. “It’s good.”

Roman felt a little offended to be given praise in such an unenthusiastic manner but he fought against it. Virgil sounded off, and it might not have anything to do directly with Roman. Despite his desires, Roman were coming to realize he wasn’t always the star of the show.

“They probably hate me,” Virgil continued.

Roman walked a little closer and let the door fall shut behind him. He didn’t have long until the second Act. He would need to go back inside any moment, so he had to choose his words wisely.

“Maybe,” Roman said and his answer got Virgil to lift his gaze from the ground and give Roman a piercing stare. “The first Act depict you in a bad light, Virge. But that’s not the full story. They’re about to see your strength and beauty now. I’ll show them that side of you too.”

“I’m not strong,” Virgil muttered. “And I am most certainly not beautiful.”

Roman wanted to scream that Virgil was wrong. He was so wrong that it hurt. He was so strong in a way that Roman hadn’t even been aware of. It required a very specific type of strength to go up against your treacherous mind and put it back in its place. And Virgil had always been beautiful.

Sure, he was aesthetically attractive which was what had caught Roman’s eye at first but it wasn’t what had kept his attention. It was the fire in his eyes, the way his tongue wrapped around words, how he could be so stubborn and passionate and his ability to completely focus on the person that he was talking to like they were the only two people in the universe. Roman felt more centered when he was talking to Virgil.

He could say all of that to Virgil but he had a feeling that he wouldn’t listen to his words. Words had never been Roman’s forte anyway. He was more a man of action and he knew how he could make Virgil listen.

“Let me prove you wrong,” Roman said and waited until he established eye contact again. “Watch me. Let me show you how strong and beautiful you can be.”

Roman’s phone was vibrating in his pocket. He had two minutes to be back on stage.

“What?” Virgil asked, brows scrunched up in confusion.

“Promise me?” Roman asked as he put his hand in his pocket to turn of the alarm. “Watch me?”

The request was soft-spoken, even with its clear urgency and Roman feeling like he might explode if Virgil refused.

Virgil looked a little gob-smacked and he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and gnawed on it. Then his beautiful eyes flickered up and Roman knew what he would say before the word left his lips.

“Yes.”

“Great,” Roman said and he smiled so wide that his cheeks hurt a little. It was a good kind of pain.

He opened the door and held it open for Virgil to follow.

“I’ll be there. Just need another minute.”

Roman wanted to pull him along by the arm but he forced himself to nod. Virgil had promised. He would honor that promise, Roman knew that much.

Talyn scolded him for being so late and standing outside as they touched up his make-up at the very last second. Roman closed his eyes and focused on Andrew. This performance mattered for more reasons than being the premiere or the potential people sitting in the audience that might help him in the future. Roman knew that Remy’s piece on the musical would be posted but for now all that mattered was how he performed tonight for Virgil.

Roman threw himself into the role completely. He wasn’t sure where he stopped and where Andrew began. He showed the struggles of pushing back against Dylan and the agony of realizing how deeply he had hurt his friends. He apologized to all of them and he was granted forgiveness. He recognized his mistakes and atoned for them.

By the time it was time for the final closing song, Roman’s whole body was buzzing. He smiled as all of his cast mates, save for Jo as Dylan, came out to join him in the last song _Side by Side._ When he had first read it, he had pulled up the very first song and looked at them side by side to see the differences and a true testament to how far Andrew had come over the course of the musical. He wasn’t perfect but he was now capable of identifying his mistakes and take steps to avoid making them again. He would never allow himself to hurt his friends like that again, even if it had been unintentional.

He finally accepted that he wasn’t weak for accepting help and that it wasn’t better to suffer alone in silence. Roman was so proud of Andrew, he was so proud of Virgil, and his pride shone thought brightly as he sung along with all his friends.

 

_I see happy faces all around me_

_They smile at me and I feel free_

_I can now put away the frown_

_Beside them, I no longer feel so down_

_My friends drag me along to everything_

_And I know they truly want me here_

_I may not always smile like some of them_

_But I’m learning to fight feeling numb_

_I don’t need to be like any of them_

_They are wonderful and great people but_

_I’m different but it doesn’t need to mean bad_

_It will be okay even if I’ll sometimes be sad_

_I am **not** broken beyond repair_

_I am trying my hardest to be a good friend_

_I stand side by sides with them and I **do** fit in_

_They accept me for who I am_

_They embrace me despite my flaws_

_My thoughts were lying to me_

_And I belong right here_

_Side by side with my peers_

_Side by Side_

_Side by Side!_

 

As the final note of the song rang out and Roman’s voice carried through the theater, he saw all of the audience get up to give them a standing ovation. His chest was heaving with effort and the smile on his lips was wide and bright as he interlocked hands with Terrence and Leo and did a bow.

Roman was so happy that he got to do this. The stage had been his home when he hadn’t fit in anywhere but after becoming an adult and graduating it had been increasingly difficult to get plays and musicals at the level he wanted. But he had gotten this one and he had a very distinct feeling in his gut that this would be the role that changed everything from him.

Even if it didn’t end up bringing him directly to a new job, he knew he would never be the same actor that he had been before. Andrew had changed him and he was a better performer because of it. He felt like he had moved into a new era of his performing.

The light was shining brightly and blinding his eyes but he didn’t care. He didn’t need to see to feel everything in his heart.

They stepped back and the curtain lowered but the applause lingered. It even seemed to grow in volume. Roman looking around and spotted Virgil hiding in the wing with a little smile as their eyes locked. Roman started moving without even thinking. He grabbed onto Virgil’s shoulders in excitement.

“Did you see?” he asked breathlessly and he didn’t care that he sounded desperate.

“I… yeah. I see what you mean. Maybe.”

It was as much of an admission as Roman could have hoped for and he barked out a loud laugh. The audience was still clapping and demanding that they come back on stage. Thomas, Joan and the other crew were arriving and everyone looked so pleased.

“Ready for another round?” Kenny called out as he held his hand on the rope that could pull the curtain aside once more.

Roman moved down to catch’s Virgil’s wrist, much like Virgil had done when he wanted Roman to stay with him during the panic attack.

“You should enjoy it too,” Roman said and started to pull him along but Virgil wasn’t having any of it.

He dug in his heels and looked annoyed and anxious as he twisted his wrist out of Roman’s hold without much difficulty. Roman was about to ask what was the matter but Valerie was looping her arm around his and dragging him along. Virgil was stepping back to the side and out of sight while he was holding up his hands and shaking his head.

Valerie’s grip on Roman’s arm was iron tight and he didn’t try to fight as she dragged him back to the middle of the stage. The curtain went up and the applause grew louder again. Roman was smiling but his mind remained behind the stage.

He had messed up again, hadn’t he? He wasn’t even sure what he had done wrong this time. He had just wanted to have Virgil standing next to him and getting to take it all in. This was Virgil’s original story and a lot of his words had made the musical great. He deserved to stand and take in the glory that came with a good performance. It was the premiere night and so many other non-actors were out of stage with them as well.

After several almost synched bows, the curtain was finally lowered again and for good this time. Roman was scrambling back to find Virgil to make things okay again and he had thought that he would need to chase him down as Virgil tended to bolt when he was uncomfortable.

But Roman was surprised to see that he was standing in the same spot, anxiously pulling on his sweater paws. Roman rushed back over but this time he didn’t reach out to touch him. He was too afraid that Virgil might flinch away again.

“Why would you not come along?” Roman asked and he realized he was almost shouting, which might be due to the loud ringing in his ears after hearing the deafening applause. He cleared his throat and tried to speak in a more normal tone. “I just mean… it’s your baby. Your story. You should be able to enjoy the credit as well.”

 Virgil shook his head but he looked less mad and more amused.

“I have social anxiety, Roman. I don’t want to stand on a stage in front of hundreds of people who look at me.”

They were so different people and Roman didn’t know how to conquer those differences without anyone of them getting hurt. Roman felt so bad.

“I… I don’t know what I was thinking,” he said, speaking so fast that his words were muddling together. “I just wanted to celebrate with you, your know? We’ve been working on this for over a month and tonight were finally the premiere night. One of the best things is standing in the spotlight and seeing the fruit of all your hard work. Well, it is for me at least. I know now that it isn’t for you.”

“Hey,” Virgil said and reached out to catch Roman’s hands which he was flailing around as his speech’s speed seemed to just increase and increase.

Roman stopped and he suddenly became very aware of his rapid breathing and how close he was standing to Virgil. His eye shadow was smeared around the lower part of his eyes like usual and it really brought out the color in his eyes. Roman’s breath stuttered a little.

“You don’t have to worry,” Virgil assured him.

“Of course, I have to worry!” Roman argued and then plowed on before Virgil could get another word in. “Not because you’re fragile or that you can’t handle it. I know very well that you are fully capable of handling yourself. You know how to pick yourself up the floor and you can stand you ground. You can do all that. I know but I still care about you. I hate that I keep saying the wrong thing around you and that we can never have a conversation without me screwing up and making you mad at me. I just want you so desperately to like me and I have been trying my hardest to bond with you from the very moment we met. The more I’ve got to know you, however little at a time, I’ve just become more enamored and it’s torture because I can’t do any of the things I would usually do if I had a crush on someone. I can’t do any of it because you’re you and you deserve more than cheesy pick-up lines and you-“

Roman was so caught up in his ramble that he hardly felt that Virgil dropped his hands and instead pulled Roman closer by grabbing on to his patchwork hoodie. Virgil grabbed quickly but he closed the distance between them at a slower pace, allowing Roman to react and pull away if he wanted.

He would never pull away from Virgil. It took his brain a moment to catch up that this was happening and he also had time to wonder if he was dreaming or hallucinating but Virgil’s eyes were sure as the distance became smaller and smaller and as Virgil’s eyes fell shut, Roman’s did the same.

Their lips meet tentatively for the first second but that soft press of their mouths against each other was heaven sent. Still, it didn’t take long for Roman to act on all the intensity and the desire that he had kept at bay for weeks on end. He had dreamed of this moment with Virgil for such a long time and he had almost been certain that they would never be able to get to this point.

Virgil met Roman with the same intensity and in the moment it truly felt like they were the only people in the world. Virgil’s hands tightened in the fabric of Roman’s hoodie and Roman’s hands moved forward to wrap around the poet’s waist. He pulled him close like he had wanted to do for so long and Virgil melted into his embrace.

Suddenly, Roman felt like he couldn’t breathe and he had to pull away as much as it pained him. He kept Virgil close though and when he opened his eyes, Virgil was already staring back at him.

Roman felt his breath being lost for an entirely different reason that being physically out of breath.

“You…. I…. We….” Roman couldn’t get any proper words out. Every sentence he could think of seemed to too empty to describe the moment.

“You’re an idiot,” Virgil breathed against his lips and Roman saw how slowly his eyes blinked and his lashes softly touched his skin. Roman could definitely get used to insults spoken like that.

“Why?”

“You wouldn’t shut up,” Virgil replied with a glint in his eyes and a smirk on his lips.

This got Roman’s mouth kick-started.

“I do not need to be shut u-“

Before he could get the last word out, Virgil had moved forwards to touch their lips together, soft and carefully this time. Roman kept his eyes open and watched in wonderment the amusement present in Virgil’s whole face.

“Yes, you do. Of course, you’re cliché enough that it works too.”

Roman wanted to argue again but he was a little more preoccupied with the feel of Virgil’s body under his hand and the way he was looking at him without any ounce of the hostility or guardedness that usually resided in his expression.

“Did you really just kiss me to shut me up?” he asked in a shaking voice. “It’s very mean to play with my emotions like-“

“I wouldn’t have kissed you if I didn’t like you,” Virgil said as he interrupted Roman once again. Usually, Roman detested being interrupted but he didn’t mind so much if it was because Virgil wanted to offer him reassurances.

“You guys are the most adorable ever,” someone said and both of them suddenly realized that they were still standing within view of the entire cast and crew who watched them with fond expressions.

Roman had completely forgot about them in the heat of the moment and it seemed that Virgil had done the same.

Virgil groaned and leaned forward to hide his face in Roman’s shoulder and the actor’s heart sung. He wanted to be Virgil’s place of refuge so bad and now he was literally leaning on him for support.

They might be two very different people but maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing. Maybe it meant that they were able to challenge each other in the best way possible. But if anything could conquer their differences then it would have to be love and Roman felt that blooming in his chest very much as he held onto Virgil but still laughed along with his theater family wholeheartedly.

This was the beginning of something great. Roman could feel it without a doubt. Virgil would no doubt make fun of him for it but Roman believed in destiny and even more so now that he got to wrap his hands around Virgil, hear the lingering applause from the audience and see the smiles of their friends enjoying his happiness.

Many years later, when Roman would be an established and acclaimed Broadway performer, he would think back to his time at The Old Timber and playing the role of Andrew in _Something I Can Control_.  It had not only launched his career, it had also given him the man that would become his husband and it had showed Roman he could love someone as deeply as he loved performing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Reblog on tumblr](http://secretlywritingstories.tumblr.com/post/176667366657/can-differences-be-conquered-sanders-sides-au) (thank you!)
> 
> It's been too flipping long but I hope some of you wonderful readers stuck around. Sorry for literally two month's wait. I got wrapped up in other things and I didn't want to rush the ending. Ending stories is always hard for me so they tend to take a bit more contemplation and they always drag on longer than I initially thought, hence why this final chapter is the longest of the bunch at almost 10k. Again, sorry for the wait but I hope you liked this story. I know nothing really about performing or musicals but I hope I didn't make too many errors along the way.
> 
> Thank you to all the people who left me lovely comments while I was posting it. You helped keep me motivated and connected to the story. And Merry Christmas to all of you if you're reading it as it goes up! Or Happy Holidays if you celebrate something else. Or if you don't celebrate anything, I hope you have a great Sunday.


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